Clueless comments are guaranteed to drive a writer crazy
by Ruth Harris
Anne and Ruth are proud to host the first public release of the groundbreaking study devised and conducted by the eminent neuroscientist, Einstein Fitzhemingway, MD, PhD, PfffT, and DuH.
Peer reviewed under the auspices of the prestigious research institute, VonShtupp, Dummkopf, Putz und Hassenpfeffer, the results of Dr. Fitzhemingway’s work are being shared here to advise friends, family and beleaguered therapists overwhelmed by swarms of dejected, depressed and despairing writers who just can’t take it any more.
They are begging for help, hope and healing.
Because —
1) Interruptions.
“You were just sitting there, and I didn’t see you typing so I thought it might be a good time to ask you about which brand of dog food I should get for Taffy.”
You snarl an expletive-enhanced reply.
Clueless questioner highly offended.
You get out of bed on the wrong side this morning?
What’s the big deal?
I only asked a quick question.
Question takes a few seconds to ask.
Writer needs twenty minutes (at least) to get back into the flow. If s/he can even recapture the crucial moment when his/her concentration was blasted to smithereens.
Nora Roberts is said to have instructed that she is to be interrupted only in case of blood or fire.
But do the clueless pay attention to Nora Roberts?
2) You spend how much on ad/promo?
Go ahead, explain the favorable ROI.
Point out that the day you stop advertising/promoting is the day your sales fall through the Marianas Trench.
Or disappear into a black hole in a faraway galaxy.
Doesn’t matter.
Makes no difference to the clueless.
Save your breath.
Those who do not wish to understand will not understand.
Ever.
3) Time lag.
You still haven’t finished Brilliant Title?
“You started Brilliant Title three weeks ago. I can read a book in three days. What’s taking you so long?”
4) Edits, editors and revisions.
What do you need an editor for?
Why can’t you write your book by yourself? It’s your idea isn’t it?
You’re paying your editor how much?
For what?
Your editor said pacing/info dumps/characterization are an issue.
That editor said the beginning/the ending/the middle need work?
What do you care what your editor said?
What do they know?
You’ve hired a copy editor?
I thought you already had an editor?
What does a copy editor do? Exactly?
Sounds like you fell for a con job.
You’re wasting your money/time/energy.
5) Have I read anything you’ve written?
You reply (with a clenched smile), “I hope so.”
And, if you’re in a particularly benign mood, you add: “And I hope you enjoyed it.”
You think, “How the eff would I know?”
6) Radio Silence from Clueless Friends.
You have a Grade A agent.
A highly regarded editor.
A big 5 publisher.
Your reviews are fabulous.
The book is chosen by a popular book club
And it tops the NYT and Amazon lists.
You get —
Congratulations? Nope.
Good for you? Nope.
A pat on the back. Forget it.
Roses and champagne? Ha.
More likely —
Gee, what happened? I always thought you were such a loser.
Wow. Now that you’re rich, could you pay my mortgage?
Buy me the lake house I’ve always wanted?
Pay my kid’s tuition at that ritzy private school?
Invite me to those fancy parties you go to?
Introduce me to your celebrity friends?
Compared to these buzz killers, Radio Silence from your nearest & dearest is a delightful reward to be sought after and cherished.
7) TV blues.
When are you going to be on Oprah?
You’re not?
I thought authors went on Oprah.
8) You write it. They hate it.
They know you write romance/scifi/thrillers.
It says so right on the cover.
But can they read?
Do they read?
Do they care?
Or notice?
Of course not.
More like—
“I hate romance/scifi/thrillers. I only read Literary Fiction,” they say, as they ask for a free copy.
9) The 50/50 split.
Ha effin’ Ha.
“I’ve got a great idea for a book. You’ll write it, and we’ll split the money fifty/fifty.
You say: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I don’t collaborate/too busy/suggest they write it themselves and keep all the money.”
You think: “Here are directions to the Bermuda Triangle. Don’t have a good trip.”
10) The amateur shrinks make a diagnosis.
You write a twisty, scary horror/mystery/suspense.
“Only someone mentally ill would think of that.”
I recall someone once asking Ira Levin’s wife (he wrote Rosemary’s Baby) if being married to a writer was exciting/creepy/scary.
Her reply (accompanied by a yawn): “It’s like living with a dentist.”
11) When are you going to get a real job?
You haven’t noticed the new Mercedes in my driveway?
12) Why don’t you write like Danielle Steel/Stephen King/John Grisham?
Polite reply as you show them ads from the global press filled with accolades: “Reviewers in Europe, the United States and Asia have praised my style.”
What you really think: “And why don’t you get your **** out of your ***?”
13) Clueless Wannabes.
They are the pilot fish and blood suckers with literary stars in their eyes who wannabe — drumroll — A Writer!
They come to you with gauzy fantasies about “inspiration” and visions of overnight fame and instant riches.
And they have a thousand questions.
But.
They pay no attention to your answers.
And do not want to actually sit down and write.
They do not want to master craft.
And are uninterested in learning how to tell a story.
Create believable characters?
Write compelling narrative?
Master the art of dialogue?
Learn how to start a book, end a book?
How to start a chapter, how to end a chapter?
Even though you tell them that once they know all that and have a solid foundation in the nuts and bolts of craft, they can then add all the genius they want?
Nah.
Too much work.
Takes too long.
Boring.
Not that they ever say that.
Their inactions speak louder than words.
And waste your time.
The last frontier.
With support from generous new funding from the Chicken Or The Egg Institute, Dr. Fitzhemingway perseveres with his research into the single unanswered question in his survey that continues to elude the efforts of the world’s most accomplished scholars and scientists.
“Where do you get your ideas?”
Nuclear Science.
Honestly, after reading this you might think writing a book sounds as hard as nuclear science.
Because maybe it is?
by Ruth Harris (@RuthHarrisBooks) November 27, 2022
***
What about you, scriveners, did you run into any of these clueless comments over the holiday? How do you respond to clueless comments about your chosen profession? For more on how to deal with the misconceptions of non-writers, check out Anne’s posts “Clueless Advice People Give Writers.” and “How Well-Intentioned Loved Ones Can Sabotage Your Writing.“
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A great list although I challenge you to try explaining to your family why ‘yes, it was necessary to spend $1000 on that set of rare books for research’ and ‘no, I would not find them in the library’. 🤣
I know that resounding silence well. Although reading it and not liking it just because they dislike that genre is worse.
Next person who asks for a free book, I’m going to ask if they go to work for free. Can you imagine asking an orthodontist for free braces?
People who think books should be free, but knitting patterns are justified to be $20 a piece. Lost a friend over that one.
Hey Ruth & Anne,
Well, you’ve given me a heap of reasons to feel grateful. Somehow I’ve avoided almost everyone of these, but I’m with you — they sure sound irritating.
Re: #6 Now I have Freddie Mercury’s radio ga ga radio goo goo radio blah blah earwormed in my head. Thanks a lot, Ruth, and a good Sunday to you and Anne.
Ha, I love this! I may not have a book published but I can completely relate to most of these as a short story writer. Especially the ones about the lack of response from friends (well, I blame mostly Facebook friends).
Hilarious. Please tell Dr. Einstein Fitzhemingway that I’d like to be one of the subjects for his next research project. I may have a few experiences to add to his list.
Library? What’s a library? 😉
And don’t forget: Dentists do NOT take insurance. Blech. 🙁
Jeez! Thanks DD. (I guess) I didn’t know this. 🙁
Garry—Don’t forget yackety yack and blabbity blab. Yikes!
Nicole—They’re just giving you book prepub practice!
Kay—Please, do share! Dr. EF is tireless in his endeavors. A true gentleman and devoted scholar.
Too funny and too true. I’ve written 70 books, mostly romance, and there’s always some twat who wants to tell me how to do it right. Mostly men who doesn’t read anything and absolutely not romance🙄
Oh, this is just so funny! It made my day. My family: “You’re writing another book? What’s it about?” Me: “What the heck do you care? You don’t read any of them.” Husband: “We used to go out and celebrate on the day your books were published”. Me: “I know, right? Now none of you gives a crap.”
LOL Ruth, I loved this. So much truth. It still stuns me how most friends and family show no interest in our writing, and have no idea what it means to interrupt a writer. 🙂
Hi, Ruth
Too, true. My addition is for the pantsers in the crowd. I’ve written since I was eight. I just wrote the story like I would read one. Well meaning non-writers would cock their heads like a dog trying to figure the human out, then lecture me that an outline would make things much better.
But it’s much worse if you get around beginning writers. Many think that the only way to write a novel is to start with an outline. They pressure pantsers to “get with the program” and think we’re doing writing wrong (oddly while saying how you do it doesn’t matter). I’m sure every pantser here has run into crazy comments!
Natalie—Clueless *and* arrogant? You hit the jackpot! Sending sympathies…
Patricia—I admire your restraint. Congratulations! To you. NOT to them.
Seriously, what do people use for brains? (Don’t answer)
DG—Not only do they have no idea but they’re not interested in learning. Hopeless.
Linda Maye—I’m also a pantser. Not that I tell *them* cuz ignorance (theirs) is bliss (mine.)
Sorry you’ve had to put up with this. Where do they think the “good stuff” comes from?
Ruth, hilarious!!! My dream was always to earn advanced degrees in PfffT and DuH.
Here’s #14: “Lend me your book on Friday, I’ll read it over the weekend, and give it back on Monday.” Used and unsaleable.
Head slap. Not mine…the clueless person’s.
Debbie—OMG I forgot this one! Although I stopped lending books YEARS ago for just that reason. I inform them that bookstores exist where people can actually BUY books. Or that a library is nearby for those who plead poverty as they flaunt their Vuitton bag.
Great blog Ruth! Entertaining, funny, witty…I can certainly relate. Thanks for sharing with us.
Kenneth—thanks! Appreciate being appreciated! 🙂
Such fun! And I love the added one about lending books – I’ve made it a rule never to give away books to people who ask for them. It has always backfired. Basically I’ve found that people believe something is worth what they’ve paid for it. Full stop.
Great ones. 1and 6 resonate especially. I’m always getting interrupted.
6. My family don’t read my books. Husband rarely reads novels, and then only novels by such as Victor Hugo and Benjamin Disraeli.
My son doesn’t read novels.
My daughter reads novels but says she doesn’t like the genres I write in.
My sister only reads the local newspaper and the occasional magazine. ‘I don’t have time to read novels.’
Brother-in-law only reads technical stuff.
His wife is a prolific reader, but doesn’t read my books, even though she reads one of my genres.
A case of familiarity breeds contempt (or indifference).
I do have one friend from my school days who reads all my books, and reviews them, though. Thank you Pamela.
Melodie—D’accord! Full stop. 😉
Hahahaha! Nailed it, Ruth!
I write with headphones on, music blaring, so when my husband wants to interrupt for “just a sec,” he paces in front of my desk like a caged tiger at the circus. My response is always the same, “Someone better be dead.” 😉
V.M.Sang—Every writer here feels your pain. Unfortunately.
What *is* wrong with these people?
Ditto to the thank you for Pamela. We all need (at least) one Pamela in our lives to rescue us from complete frustration and despair. Yay, Pamela! 🙂
Sue—LOL! He better watch out cuz next time someone *will* be dead. One way to put an end to the pacing. ha ha
Mine hovers. Drives me nuts.
Someone did actually once suggest number 9) “The 50/50 split” to me, verbatim as it’s written in the post. I was so stunned I suffered from l’esprit d’escalier, but later read the perfect retort: “Sounds great! You write a full chapter plan and detailed descriptions of all the principal characters – around 10,000 words should do it – then let’s discuss your great idea!”
Julian—Absolutely brilliant!
Truly, l’esprit d’escalier is the writer’s super power. 🙂
Hilarious, well done, Ruth, I really had a laugh – all this needed to be said, wow, feel much better now! I’m not the only one then with friends and family who don’t read my stuff! Though, truth be told, my husband does but he’s a foreigner; English is a second language for him so he can comment on the plot, the characters’ foibles and such but not the language…But I guess I shouldn’t complain, at least I have ONE reader in the family!
Hi Claude! Amazing, isn’t it, how universal these experiences are for writers? We must be intimidating for them to be so intent on diminishing us in any way they can.
Cherish your ONE reader. I’m sure you do! He’s a treasure. 🙂
Glad you liked my comment, Ruth, just as I LOVED your article!
And usually when a person starts of off with the phrase “…a quick question…”, it usually isn’t. 🤔
I really enjoyed this piece thanks. Just wished to add, “if you sell all these books why are you not on the TV? Now that is Irony (lol- for those of you Americans that just don’t get it)
You got that right! LOL :
Amen! Every other quiz TV programme features one or more people who are writing a book or have just finished writing a book, never having done so before. Good luck to us all!
Those would be funnier if they weren’t so true!
Oh, I love this, Ruth. Just the other day a friend told me that he had a great idea for a book and so I asked him why he wasn’t writing it. No, he’s too busy, implying that the only reason I write is because I don’t have a life!
Superb answer – worthy of theft!