Launching a writing career is hard–especially with family sabotage.
by Anne R. Allen
Learning to write well is tough. Getting published is tougher. And selling your published books is tougher still.
Nevertheless, we persist. Most writers feel compelled to write, and usually nothing can stop us.
But we can be waylaid, distracted, and seriously discouraged. Some of us can’t write for years because of devastating “creativity wounds” and body-blows to our self-esteem. Misguided and untrained beta readers and critique groups can also kill a writer’s creativity.
Others quit writing after horrific experiences with scam publishing companies and bogus agents. I have written often about the publishing scammers who lie in wait for newbie writers. Do check out my posts on scams, and always check Writer Beware. Scammers can break your heart as well as emptying your bank account.
I’ve also heard from several authors who put their writing on hiatus after sadistic troll attacks derailed a fledgling writing career. (We had some great advice on how to fight online attacks from Chris Syme last week. Attacks like this were the inspiration for my novel So Much for Buckingham, which is on sale this week.)
But sometimes the writer’s most dangerous enemies are closer to home.
Here’s the problem: having a writer in the family can be threatening to loved ones on many levels. Suddenly that WIP gets the attention the family used to enjoy. Children resent not having access to a parent. Old friends feel miffed when you say you’d rather finish up that chapter than go for a beer or catch a movie.
Loved ones may not consciously acknowledge their resentment, but it may slip out in negative comments and actions.
Or they may be 100% genuine in their enthusiasm for your work, but their misconceptions about what it takes to write and how the industry works can push you to making bad decisions.
Loved Ones can Pressure Writers to Launch a Writing Career Too Soon
Even totally supportive family members can sabotage your writing career by pressuring you to publish before you’re ready.
Most publishing professionals agree that the #1 reason for publishing failures is the rush to publish too soon.
And the #1 reason writers publish too soon is pressure from family members who don’t understand the publishing business.
I am amazed how many non-writers think writing a novel is the same as typing. They constantly ask why writing a novel takes so long.
Then they assume a completed first draft is ready to publish.
The latter can be forgiven. Every movie or TV show about a writer, ever, shows them writing “the end” and immediately sending the book off to a publisher.
But as we know, that never happens in real life. Or it shouldn’t.
Unfortunately some family members may be such believers in this delusion that they’ll send the manuscript off to an agent without the writer’s consent. These people (often doting moms) send howlingly clueless queries to agents, thinking the writer is simply afraid to publish. (BTW, no agent will ever accept a query from a third party.)
Do explain the reality of the situation to your family before you have to hide your name tag whenever you meet an agent at a conference.
Condescension and Dismissive Behavior can be as Dangerous as Outright Hostility
A spouse, child, or sibling may say they’re cool with your writing ambitions, and appear to applaud your efforts, but they sabotage you by not respecting your boundaries or making condescending remarks. Maybe they tell themselves they’re “protecting you from disappointment” by nudging you to diminish your goals.
The interrupters are the most infuriating. They say they support your writing, but somehow they don’t treat your writing as “work” so they’ll walk in on you every fifteen minutes for frivolous reasons. Or expect you to chauffeur them during your writing time, or babysit, fix the sink, or cook.
I knew one woman who invariably phoned me between 9 AM and 1 PM–which she knew was my writing time.
She’d ask “whatcha doin’?”
“Writing. It’s 10 AM.” I’d say though gritted teeth.
“I’m not doing anything either,” she’d say.
We did not remain friends.
The belittlers will call your work “scribbling” or laugh about the idea of your “hobby” developing into a writing career. Family members who haven’t read any fiction since their college days may talk as if writing novels is mindless and silly.
Or they’ll make fun of the fact you haven’t made much money yet, even though you’ve placed stories in dozens of journals.
“So are you going to buy a yacht with that big check you got from The Idaho Review?” they’ll ask.
You try to laugh. You’re afraid you’ll be considered a “bad sport” if you don’t take it.
But it’s not funny. You placed a story in a prestigious journal, which is an excellent step up the ladder of publishing success. You deserve congratulations, not derision.
It’s hard enough to live with the constant rejection we have to deal with in this industry. So when you’re disrespected in your personal life, it can feel like a double-whammy.
This stuff can hurt your writing and your health. You might want to show them this post.
Constant Negativity Stifles your Writing Career and Weakens your Health.
Here’s the thing. Negativity is toxic. It’s dangerous to your writing career and hazardous to your health. Research has shown that even a small amount of negative brain activity can lead to a weakened immune system, making you more prone to illness. Negativity compromises the effectiveness of the neurons in the hippocampus — the area of the brain responsible for reasoning and memory.
This means living with a negative person can literally sabotage your writing.
It happened to me this year. I rented my finished garage to an impoverished student with a sob story. For lowered rent, he was supposed to help me with heavy lifting and other things I couldn’t do because of an injury. He turned out to be more like Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights. He trashed the room and hung around all day, utterly useless, constantly making nasty remarks.
When he found me crying after one of my friends died suddenly, he said, “Everybody dies. Get over it.”
When my blogging book hit #1 on Amazon, he said, “I saw you bragging about that on Facebook. You should delete the post. That was just embarrassing.”
I kept reminding myself his opinion meant nothing to me. His lease would be up soon. I’d use his cruel zingers as hilarious dialogue when I skewered him in my next book.
But his negativity was slowly poisoning my life.
I lost all momentum on my new novel. My medical condition got worse. I came down with an endless case of bronchitis. The guy wouldn’t leave. Even after I discovered him stealing the silver, it took the whole neighborhood to finally evict the creep.
Negativity is a toxin. And it’s more powerful than we think.
“Poisonous Playmates” can Threaten your Writing Career
I’d also been dealing with a friend of a friend who professed to be a writer and asked for my help. He said he’d tried a critique group, and it wasn’t for him. He needed the advice of a professional author.
Or so he said. He’d invite me out for coffee on the spur of the moment, insisting it was urgent, then blabber about everything but writing.
Often he’d leave me twiddling my thumbs at the table when he worked the room at the coffeehouse, talking to everybody but me. At first I thought maybe he was extraordinarily shy about discussing his work.
But pretty soon I realized there was no work. This guy had never written more than a few unfinished stories. Writing was on his agenda for “someday.”
So why was he so eager to take up my time, only to waste it? Finally it dawned on me: The guy is what Creativity guru Julia Cameron calls a “Poisonous Playmate.”
These are frustrated creatives who don’t have the discipline to make their own art, so they keep other people from creating. They are the drama queens, emotional vampires, and control freaks who crave your full-time attention and can’t stand for you to focus on art instead of them.
Writers are magnets for these people because we tend to be good listeners.
We need to erect strict boundaries and protect ourselves from their sabotage.
Those Friends Who Won’t Read Your Book
Then there are the friends and family who act supportive until you finally make it and publish that book. They may even ask for an autographed copy (which they often expect to be free.) But they never manage to get around to reading it.
Even if you’re well known, many friends and family members will refuse to read a word you write.
Recently a relative asked me to recommend a good mystery—something lighthearted and fun—like Janet Evanovich. I reminded her that I happen to write mysteries rather like that, but she immediately changed the subject. She made it clear she’d rather read a Klingon phone book than anything that came from my pen.
Sometimes family and friends fear they’ll see themselves in your work, but mostly they fear they’ll hate it and they won’t know what to say. They don’t think it can be any good if you wrote it.
My name for these people is “Groucho Marxists.” The Groucho Marxist manifesto is, to paraphrase the great Julius Henry Marx:
“I do not care to read a book by a person who would accept me as a friend.”
Groucho Marxists assume your work is terrible because it was written by somebody they know. No amount of success will convince them you’re any good.
I heard an interview with a famous film maker recently who said his father steadfastly refuses to see any of his films. You could tell he was sad about it and said he didn’t know why. But it seemed obvious to me that the dad was a Groucho Marxist.
How To Keep Your Creativity Alive in a Hostile Environment.
So what do we do? As you can see, we can find our creativity blocked by this stuff at any stage of a writing career. I thought I was enough of a pro that some medical setbacks and a couple of Donnie Downers couldn’t stop my productivity.
But I was dead wrong. For the first time in 25 years, the well went dry.
So what do you do if you’re fighting major negativity?
I’m not sure I would have made it through this tough time without this blog. Our commenters here have become friends. And newbies always have something helpful to offer as well. I love the positive energy you bring.
Also my in-person writing group has been a major source of strength during this time.
I think it’s vitally important for us—at any stage of a writing career—to seek out a supportive group of fellow writers. This can be online or in person. The group doesn’t have to critique or share work. You just need to have each others’ backs and be sympathetic to the ups and downs of this industry.
An online group I recommend wholeheartedly is the Insecure Writers Support Group. It’s free to join and they’re great people who can help with all aspects of becoming a published author.
As Ruth Harris wrote here a few years ago, a writer needs to develop a “rhino hide” to get through the horrors of submissions and reviews, but when you’re a fledgling writer—or one dealing with toxic negativity—you also need a little help from your friends.
by Anne R. Allen (@annerallen) September 22, 2019
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What about you, scriveners? Have you run into negativity from family or friends? Have you felt pushed to publish by people who don’t understand what it takes to launch a writing career?
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That kid was a jerk all right. Probably one of those people who knows he’s a failure and resents anyone around him who succeeds since it makes him look bad.
I know what you mean by family and friends who won’t read our books. Some claim genre the reason, but I think your reason is true for many.
The IWSG is all about support! Thanks for mentioning it.
Alex–The IWSG is a godsend for so many writers who can’t get the support they need at home. Thanks so much for maintaining such a nurturing organization for writers!
Yeah, that kid suffers from terminal jerkitude. He’ll always fail, because that’s what he aims for.
Excellent post, Anne. I also think some of those family members who refuse to read your books are motivated by jealousy and insecurity–afraid their position in the pecking order will be threatened if they’re forced to concede their child or sibling or parent or spouse is surprisingly talented–more talented than they are!
Your new mystery looks intriguing!
Jodie–Ooooh. You’re onto something there. The family pecking order. The quiet one who’s never been #1 suddenly publishes a book and people realize they have something to say. The former #1 is going to be jealous.
I feel for you wholeheartedly. Although at the moment, I’m writing non-fiction (planning on writing fantasy), I’ve had several gauntlets thrown at me as well. One ‘supporter’ I mentore even took me to court because I refused to create a Limited company with him to promote my book. Crikey. That was a blow to the intenstines that delayed the book being published by two years. I am still trying to psychologically recover from that attack.
And yes, it’s another pychological blow when no one in the family reads your books. You remain a ‘Mum’ but without the acknowledgment of being a person capable of writing a book.
Janine–Oh, how awful! A protege turns on you. That’s one of the nastiest kinds of betrayal (Just look at ‘All About Eve.”) That’s the kind of toxic human who can derail you for years. Good for you to keep writing, and best of luck with the fantasy project!
It certainly took every smithering of joy in completing it. But it’s published. My fantasy fiction ideas? In the pipeline. I’ve still to edit the last two non-fictions. Then I can start… 🙂 Whoopee!
Anne—Great post! Apart from the usual BS writers have to deal with, incoming from so-called friends and toxic family adds to the obstacles. As the old song by Jerry Butler goes: only the strong survive.
Ruth–The old song is true. Thanks much for the link. Only the strong survive. We need to get our strength from somewhere, and sometimes our fellow writers can help.
Ruth, well that’s totally weird. Yesterday your link went to Jerry Butler’s “Only the Strong Survive” but the elves have changed it to a song by Betty Swan. I’d better see what I can do…
Thanks! Elves have a naughty tendency to do as they please no matter what *we* want.
Anne, you nailed this one for me. I just returned to my hotel in Sao Paolo, Brazil where I was attempting to market my book to some of the bookstores in this city and read your blog.
Wow! The “Poisonous Playmate” happens to be an in-law who called me up acknowledging I published a book but never congratulating me and never saying he read it. But he managed to tell me about all his plans to write a book about a serial killer. My wife intervened with a gesture to cut off the phone call, then lectured me that I had no boundaries. Yes, I tend to listen.
I do wonder whether some of my own siblings and in-laws have read or will ever read my first book. To date, nothing but “crickets.” I believe there is some jealousy at work. Still, you can’t help but entertain some negative thoughts…we’re human.
I have to remind myself I cannot control what other people say, do or feel.
Thanks once more for convincing me I’m not alone.
Ken
Ken–OMG, you’re in Brazil marketing your Camino book? That’s fantastic. The poisonous in-law, not so much. You’ll run into a lot of those. “Oh, you wrote a book? I’m planning to write a book, too. It’s about the time I….” Hit the snooze button.
One thing I use to try to stop them is to look alarmed and say. “Don’t talk your book! Never talk your book! That’s one of the basic rules of writing..”
And yeah. You’re in good company. Like every writer who ever lived. We can’t control what others do. If family isn’t interested in you work, find people who are.
I haven’t experienced this and hopefully I won’t. My family is very respectful of my writing time. I seem to get the “Oh you wrote a book so have I. Can you give me your publisher information or read my first draft” from friends and acquaintances. There are certain people that cannot celebrate you without inserting themselves and their own abilities & talents. I find it quite rude & believe it borders on jealousy. They figure it MUST be easy if YOU did it!
Kirstie–“They figure it must be easy if you did it.” Genius. I never looked at it that way. But you’re so right.
One way to politely avoid reading manuscripts of wannabes is to point out there would be copyright issues. Say you’ve been advised to avoid reading unpublished work so you don’t get sued if you unintentionally write a similar story. That is true, and sound advice.
Great advice Anne, thank you!
One of the great sadnesses in my life is the fact that my mother is one of these well-intentioned saboteurs. She worked in the publishing industry before she married my father, and has never once accepted my desire to write fiction, much less read any of it. Over the years she’s done everything she can think of to discourage me from continuing. She could have given me so much useful advice about the industry, but all she’s ever wanted to do is stop me from writing, because she’s convinced I must be bad at it and therefore will be hurt by the inevitable rejection.
Imogen–That’s tragic. It sounds as if your mom has a major unfulfilled ambition to write and since she’s kept herself from achieving her dream, she’s going to do it to you too as an extension of herself. That issue might need some help from a therapist. Sounds as if your mom has some serious issues. My heart goes out to you.
This post was so great I stopped feeling negative about my writing for a whole ten minutes there, Anne. It’s in my diary to read again on the hour for the next week…
Tara–Ten minutes is good. Longer would be better. Maybe repeated reads could extend to a couple of hours you could use to write one of your spectacular humor pieces. You’re a great writer.
Hey Anne,
This is great. In your post you note, “I am amazed how many non-writers think writing a novel is the same as typing. They constantly ask why writing a novel takes so long.” Eve more surprising to me are how many WRITERS seem to think that by typing a draft they’ve finished something the whole world should see. Some writers seem to think this even after being engaged in the enterprise of writing for years.
May you find only supportive family members & friends!
CS–Oh, deliver us from those self-published first drafts! I think a lot of writers publish those first drafts because they want to be able to tell off all those skeptical family members and say “I’m a published author.” But that can backfire, bigtime, if it’s not a polished, finished manuscript.
By the time I finish the last parts of my books, the first parts are probably on draft #20.
Ugh. So glad you got that jerk out of your house. I learned a long time ago that negative people have no place in my life. I have no problem turning my back on them. Family who interrupts me? That’s my biggest hurdle. My husband famously states he “never bothers me” while I’m working, yet he’s the first person to hover over my desk at the worst possible moment. Rather than argue about it, I play a YouTube video that not-so-subtly makes my point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIqq9GusbSQ All writers should have this bookmarked. It’s very effective! 🙂
Sue–Thanks for including that link to The Shining! Haha. Anybody who sees that will think twice about interrupting a writer. God, Nicholson was good in that. Shelley Duvall too.
I’m consciously working on getting rid of the negative stuff in my life now. I think I’m getting better at it.
OMG! What a horrible piece of work you had to deal with. And how dare he steal from you and not leave?? So glad you’re rid of him.
What a brilliant post, Anne, thank you. I’m lucky with my boys, they’ve always been wonderfully supportive, even when they were little, they respected mummy’s writing time. Even my (now ex-) husband was supportive. My sisters, not so much. Pretty much as you described in your post, not respectful, belittling my efforts, wanting to read my work then rubbishing it… Even my friends who were supportive all through the WiP process ‘lost interest’ when I actually started publishing. I try not to let it get to me but its hard when they rave about the books of their other friends. I do have one very good friend who constantly cheers me on and I’m grateful for that 🙂
I’m limiting my time on twitter now and focussing on writing because that’s one thing I do know how to do 🙂 I keep meaning to check out the Insecure Writers Support Group especially as I haven’t found any support ‘in the flesh’ so to speak.
Here’s to all us writers finding the great support we deserve!
Joy–I think my Lodger from Hell thought every female was supposed to be his mother–somebody to criticize and live off of at the same time Stuck permanently at age 13.
Oh, don’t you hate it when they rave about books by other friends but don’t even mention yours? That’s tough.
But one supportive friend who reminds you of your self-worth is worth hundreds of those.
The IWSG is great. They have a blog and a FB group and you can participate when and if you want.
‘But one supportive friend who reminds you of your self-worth is worth hundreds of those.’ Or a single effusive stranger who wrote a review calling you incredible.
But it is a sere and howling plain of pain.
Oh my, Anne, I hadn’t realized you were having so many difficulties, including health problems and in particular that awful jerk in your home. Happy to hear you got him out and that you’re free now to recover. And write!
But I must say it sounds like you’ve got a novel all laid out here. Quite a plot, complete with the whining jerk stuck in your house, and stealing too! Fascinating theme for a novel too, the negativity we writers face in our daily lives…The novel you’ve got on sale this week, So Much for Buckingham, is one of my favorites, I really really enjoyed it. But now I’m looking forward to your next one!
Cheers!
Claude–Sometimes life is so much more preposterous than fiction. I’d have to tone that guy down to make him believable in a novel. But I’m sure he’ll make it into my fiction once I process my anger and disappointment.
Thanks much for the plug for So Much for Buckingham! That was one of my favorite novels to write.
So Much for Buckingham is probably my favorite book, one of the best you ever wrote in my humble view!
And no, it wasn’t a “plug”, I really, really enjoyed the read and I’m not at all surprised it was one of your favorite novels to write. Your pleasure in writing it comes through to the reader and it was a pleasure to read it!
And as I said, can’t wait to see that thug in one of your next novels! And maybe something a little more autobiographical for a change, based more directly on your experience as a harrassed writer stalked by that guy?
Claude–I didn’t use “plug” in a pejorative sense. Just another way of saying “shout-out”–which I much appreciate. I don’t know if autobiography is my thing, but I do use my personal experiences a lot in my books. Sherwood Ltd. is the closest to autobiography. I really did live in a 19th cent. warehouse with a bunch of pornographers on the banks of the River Trent. And it really did flood. There weren’t any poisoners involved, but a lot of the rest is true. 🙂 “Peter Sherwood” really did disappear from his yacht and his body was never found.
I had that issue early on with the naysayers. But I did get the last laugh when I was traditionally published. In my acknowledgement section, I wrote the following: “Finally, to all the naysayers who said I couldn’t string more than two words together without screwing up: I managed to string more than two words together without screwing up.”
Beyond that, everyone has been pretty good to me when it comes to writing. They discovered way early on that to stay on my good side, they don’t bother me when I’m writing, which when I go to my den, usually that is what I go there for to begin with.
GB–Haha. Love your acknowledgement! Publishing well is the best revenge!
Great article! I thought I was the only one with a toxic family who kicked down everything I did. Unfortunately, I had to “divorce” most of them, but it’s a good price to pay to keep my sanity. My 2 little blogs ain’t much, but they are mine, and they are a good way to practice writing and get feedback from people who are not eager to see me fail. I hope to write a book someday, but for now, baby steps will do.
Missi–I had to remove some toxic people from my life before I could get my career going, so I can relate. I was afraid that meant being alone. But then I discovered that “alone” was just another way of saying, “ready to write.” That’s how I finally got the momentum. Best of luck in your publishing journey. Maintaining two blogs is a great start!
Good piece, Anne. First, that kid is one massive tool. I going to borrow him and do some serious torture before I slowly kill him off in my WIP. Second, I can really relate to the family & friend thing. The only real notice and support I get is from my wife of 36 years who I dearly love. But, sometimes even she can annoyingly break my concentration. Let me tell you what happened the other day…
I usually do creative writing in a nearby university library. But now that the students are back in class for the fall semester, space is at a premium. I don’t think it’s fair for a free-loading old white guy like me to steal space when they’re paying for it. So, I decided to do more drafting at home. Problem is, my wife has an equal right to our house and she loves her radio talk shows which are terribly distracting.
So we reached a compromise. We bought a nice pair of Bluetooth headphones. Problem solved, you’d think. Rita can listen to CKNW and play Words With Friends while I type out first-run material. For five minutes it went great, Then she got up and opened a frickin bag of Cheezies and started crunching away 🙂
Garry–Feel free to punish my Lodger from Hell in any work of fiction! I think the real villain may be his mom, who brought him up to think that older women are a combo of punching bag and ATM machine.
Amazing how we can hear the crunch of a delicious snack over almost any noise-cancelling device! 🙂
Finding the right place to write can be a big deal for so many writers. I hope you can find a snack-free zone that will work for you.
What a terrific blog, Anne. Thank you so much for writing this. It helps to know that we are not alone in our writing experiences. Thanks again for being such a gem. And a great writer!
Kay–Thanks so much for saying so. 🙂 I’m glad to see this post is helping so many writers.
For me, it is the grief over losing my wife has derailed me in writing and just about everything else while also doing a major number on my health. I could deal with the other stuff and move on back in the day. Not this.
That’s understandable Kevin. Here’s wishing you peaceful days ahead.
Kevin–I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. People who tell you to write through your grief are ignorant about what it is to be truly in a state of grief. Yes, some writers use their pain to write, but most don’t. We all grieve in a different way, but trying to work when your life has just been ripped apart is usually an exercise in futility. Take care of yourself. Binge watch Netflix. Walk. Sleep. Whatever you need to do to get through this time. My heart goes out to you!
Congratulations on your new book and on making it through your dry spell, Anne. Wishing you many more years of happy writing.
Leanne–Many thanks! You’re one of the supportive writers in the writing community who’s always got a helpful word for your fellow scribes.
Thanks, Anne. There’s the old saying of never being accepted in your home town. I didn’t expect much support based on my blogging experience. Very few friends paid any attention to that. My readers were all elsewhere. My writing world and real world were 2 different places. After I’d been writing for some time, I began to be surprised that they started to overlap. But family is much the same. It’s the in-laws that will ask about the writing.
David, I’ve heard that expression so often I thought I’d look it up, and lo and behold it’s direct from the Bible. Luke 4:24 “And he said, Verily I say unto you, No prophet is accepted in his own country.”
I think it may be good that we’re usually forced to go out of our “country” to find respect and validation. Otherwise we might spend a lifetime just telling stories to the family at Thanksgiving. Glad to hear your fan base is starting to overlap with the family.
I can’t imagine having a negative, nasty downer like your renter. Glad he’s out!
I used to absorb and internalize criticism and negative advice from people who apparently thought they were being helpful, or maybe they just felt like criticizing. I wondered what was wrong with me and if I should quit writing altogether.
Then, I got breast cancer. The illness made me look with absolute clarity at the baseline of my existence and decide what’s important to my health and happiness. Staying positive is crucial when going through cancer treatments, and I decided to shed toxic people from my life and stay away from negative situations that brought me down. And I wrote more during eight months of chemotherapy than I ever had before, because writing makes me happy.
Today, I’m cancer-free, and while I don’t run away from conflict, I continue to have no tolerance for people who try to bring me down. Looking my mortality in the face made me decide what is important in life and what should be ignored and brushed off. I’m also in a couple of great writer groups who lift each other up. I will definitely check out the IWSG to help with self-doubt that can creep up when least expected.
Thank you for a great post!
Pam–That renter was a prize all right. Obviously had some mental health issues.
You’re right that a life-threatening illness is a wake-up call for weeding the negative out of your life. You pretty much have to strip down to the essentials, physically and emotionally. You have to pick and choose among social interactions and work projects. A lot falls by the wayside, but it sure helps you set priorities.
Congrats on being cancer free!
Thank you so much for mentioning the friends and family who simply won’t read your book… I feel slightly better knowing I’m not alone.
Gabriele–Not only are you not alone, but I think the writer whose family reads their work avidly is a rarity.
Thanks for such an important post, Anne. The comments show how many of us think we’re the only writers dealing with toxic families and friends. My sister boasted she read my short stories (in major women’s magazines) in line at the checkout. She thought this was perfectly reasonable. I shared with online writer friends who were appalled at her insensitivity and assured me it wasn’t ok. I told her of their reactions and next time I had a story out, she couldn’t wait to tell me she’d bought the magazine. Wow. Then our mother complained I was interviewed in too many “expensive” magazines. So I should maybe just stop? And other sister asked why I didn’t write like Stephen King. At least they didn’t live in my garage, stealing my silver. I’m grateful for small mercies. Thanks again.
Valerie–If somebody bought your magazine, that’ was a big plus. I guess you can’t expect more. Sigh. Yes, I’ve been told I should write more like so and so…when they never read a word, so didn’t know what I write.
There are excellent points and helpful suggestions in this article; I have had these experiences and have defenses against this kind of sapping negativity.
I want to ADD one other point of view around the expectation that family members will read your writing. Do you ask to read their work reports? Go see what they built? Do you buy your cousin’s Herbal Blends? Our writing is our work; is it really right attitude to expect family and friends to buy, read, and critique our work? Maybe – if we are providing the same attention to the work they are doing. This may be about reciprocity.
Along the same lines, I remember a story about a young actor winning an Emmy and returning home to find the front table full of family members’ awards: bowling and archery trophies, ribbons from competitions… anything the rest of the family had achieved. I think about this story a lot. This may be about humility.
Lolawilcox I agree we shouldn’t foist our work on famiy or friends, but the comments to me were volunteered. I hadn’t askd them to read my published work, still don’t. But when older sister, a senior nurse, had a small piece in a medical newsletter I made sure to read it, and to watch a TV news item about her hospital. It seemed respectful to me. But evidently only one-way.
Iola–I always preach the golden rule. and if you’re not supporting them, you shouldn’t expect them to support you. But as Valerie says, this is often a one-way street.
It’s especially hard when they read your genre and ask for a recommendation but don’t think you’re even worth considering.
You would think the ones closest to us would be who supported us when we most need it
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be quite the opposite.
When it comes to my family, they seem more interested in talking about themselves than actually caring what’s going on in anyone else’s life. And if I do get their attention, they put my work down and find a way to turn the conversation back to their life.
You can’t pick and choose who supports you and who doesn’t. And you can’t always eliminate them from your life.
Sometimes, you just have to believe in yourself and ignore the rest.
Great post!
Renea–You can’t choose your family. You can love them, but choose not to spend the majority of your time with them, if they are too self-involved and immature to have a reciprocal relationship. Sometimes you have to just believe in your characters and know they’re right there when you meet the page in the morning, and that’s enough.
Wow, you touched on some spot on points I can attest to Anne, lol. The ‘friends’ that not only don’t read our books, but I was gobsmacked to learn that the majority of people in my life didn’t read books! Confirmation I was born a blacksheep. 🙂
Debbie–You bring up a great point. If your friends don’t read books on a regular basis, they sure aren’t going to be interested in reading yours. I know so many people who only read nonfiction because “I like to learn something when I read.” Sigh.
Being a black sheep means you stand out. Standing out is what creatives do. 🙂
So I’ve found out, lol. 🙂
Anne, thanks for your candid comments about this puzzling downer factor. As always, you’ve captured one of the oddest features of our craft. I’ve discovered that the quietest group of friends/relatives, is comprised by folks who don’t read…at all…and they don’t want to admit it. But I do have my out-and-out detractors. One close friend of mine says she can’t read my books because she hears my voice in them. Whose voice was she expecting, I want to ask her. And why doesn’t she realize this comment isn’t the kind of support a friend gives? Geesh! Thanks for getting my blood roiling 🙂
Rolynn–As Debbie Kaye mentioned above, there are a surprising number of people who simply don’t read. Thanks for pointing out that they try to hide that, and their shame may be why they lash out at us.
That friend who doesn’t want to read your work because she hears your voice gives me some insight. If they hear you, they’re imagining you in the story. Then they think of their friend going through all this pain we put our protagonists through, and maybe that makes them anxious. I never thought of that. Not that it makes her comment easier to take, but I think it helps understand where it’s coming from.
Thanks for this positive take on why my friend is bothered by my author voice. I always prefer to take the high road when it comes to motivations of people…thanks for steering me that way. And Anne, I am so impressed by your thoughtful and thorough answers to so many commenters. You have hit a mother lode of emotion here, and you are responding so kindly and carefully. Bless your heart! Hope to see you soon on the Central Coast. Mara Purl is doing a book signing with me in October…we both have releases. Congrats on your own!
Rolyn–Many thanks! Yes, I’m not surprised so many authors relate. These problems seem to be pretty universal.
Mara Purl is so gracious, isn’t she? She and I–with three other authors–will be doing some dramatic readings from our work at the SLO NIghtwriters meeting on October 8th. Maybe we’ll see you there?
My ex-husband encouraged me to write. And then was horrified when I wrote fantasy and science fiction. He is a lit snob; if I wasn’t aiming to be the next William Faulkner, in his mind it was all a huge, embarrassing waste of time. Despite the fact that I sold short stories to well regarded magazines, and got mentions in years-best anthologies, he prevented me from attending conferences and took to mocking me openly. Every time a truly bad SciFi movie came on TV, he’d say, “Isn’t that the kind of stuff you write?” He sabotaged my writing time and made fun of what I read. I quit writing for fifteen years because he made it so unbearable – except for fanfiction, which I snuck out of the house to write, and hid from him as carefully as if I’d been having a love affair. I even lied about it, covering up my 15-minute sessions scribbling in purse-sized notebooks in a booth at the gas station with excuses about terrible traffic. I didn’t realize quite how deeply he had driven my true self into hiding until, at some point after he finally walked out, I rearranged my bookshelves and my teenage daughter was shocked by my collection of space opera. “I’ve always owned these,” I said. “I’ve never seen these books,” she said. Of course she hasn’t, I realized. The living room bookshelves were all full of her dad’s carefully curated first editions of snob-approved writers. My shameful genre books were tucked into a bookcase behind the bedroom door. And my stories, when I finally began to recover, and started working on then again, were in a file on my computer that he had named: Jennifer’s silly stories.
But I am writing now, again. I finished my first novel earlier this year: a 111,000 word space opera with octopus aliens as the bad guys. And it feels. So. Good.
J.A.–Oh, your story just makes me want to cry! But it has a happy ending. Congrats on finishing your novel. I do hope you’ve connected with the brilliant Alex Cavenaugh and his Insecure Writers Support Group. He writes classic space Sci-Fi, too.
I’m not a shrink, but I’m willing to bet at some time in his stunted life, your ex aspired to be a Faulkner, Hemingway, or an Updike. But he was too afraid of his own high standards. So he suppressed his own creativity. So he had to suppress yours. But what a creepy way of doing it.
Vonnegut, Asimov, Margaret Atwood and OMG Mary Shelley and Jules Verne and H. G. Wells…and all those great authors were nobodies to him? Just hacks. Nobody will remember them, right?
Genre snobs are so ignorant. I know it had to be painful, but you are well rid of his toxic snobbery. (Too funny. I just wrote snoboobery by mistake.)
I like Snoboobery. I’m going to keep that one, it could come in handy.
I had not considered that maybe he had repressed ambitions of his own. You may be on to something there. As for Vonnegut and the rest, well, if it’s GOOD, it’s not actually science fiction, don’tcha know? It can either be “literature” or “science fiction,” but it can’t be both.
Vonnegut had a sharp-tongued thing or two to say about that, in the end…
We’ll have to add “snoboobery” to our dictionaries. Sometimes there’s wisdom in typos. Lots of snoboobery going around. 🙂
Great article Anne! I can identify with negativity. Seems like it’s even difficult to get started writing in the evenings after dealing with negative people at a day job.
Thomas–It’s true that we run into negativity every day and sometimes it’s hard to overcome. Sometimes it works as fodder for the story, but sometimes it just sits on you like a weight that doesn’t allow your muse to escape.
Thanks for another great article! I’m sorry for the wretched experience you went through. It sure makes a difference to have people supporting you! I once had someone ask to beta read my novel and then was horrified about the X number of times I used the word “death.” (Never mind that the antagonist is an assassin.) The beta reader promptly stopped reading and expressed concern over my emotional health.
Yvonne–That’s a hilarious beta reader story! She reads a book about an assassin and then is upset that it’s about…assassinations? And wow, there sure must be a bunch of emotionally unstable writers out there: Grisham, Patterson, Lee Child…we could go on and on. Sounds like that reader doesn’t read much. Sometimes we have to vet our beta readers carefully and make sure they have some experience with our genre.
Yes, vetting my beta readers was definitely the takeaway for me!
What a horrid housemate! I’m glad that was a temporary situation and you got rid of his useless and detrimental self!
For me?
After I finished my first manuscript — my dad remembered he wanted to do something with HIS writing. And got back into it.
I’m happy to be his sounding board, but I had to lay down the law last time he called to brainstorm. “Unless you write down at LEAST one of the last 2 short stories you storyboarded with me on the phone, I can’t be your sounding board.”
Morgan–That’s a bittersweet story. Your dad wanted to bond with you over his “writing” but he didn’t actually write anything. He was doing the classic cafe-sitters mistake: talking away his book. If you talk out your idea, you won’t write it. Sad but true. You did exactly the right thing–you stopped him from talking away his stories and insisted he write them down. Otherwise, the stories would have been lost.
Wow. That guy sounded like a complete jerk.
I can say I haven’t had a ton of negative people in my life in regards to my writing. My mom and father-in-law do buy my books to read (my mom was a little worried because my first book, one of the first things my MC did was kill his parents. LOL!) but I do get down at times when I actually tell family and friends I have a new book out and hear crickets from them.
Patricia–If you have family who have bought and read your books, you’re way ahead of most authors. So consider yourself lucky.
There is the problem that they may think they see themselves in the story. (That’s especially not good when they’re murder victims! ) I’ll be talking about that syndrome later this year.
But finding a family member who wants your newest book? That’s a rare bird indeed.
Anne, judging from the comments, your post has struck a chord with many, myself included.
I often contend with a family attitude that Other People achieve success as a writer, not people from Real Life. Other People are Authors who give interviews and know the literati and are Famous and Succesful. Upstarts like myself who were not born into the Famous Author class are disturbing the force.
Even worse, I’m causing discord by writing about things the family does not approve of, i.e. crime fiction with violence and/or sex scenes. Visiting family after the publication of my first book caused an uproar. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry–52 years old and in charge of a Western Hemisphere-wide CIA intelligence collection program, but getting a lecture on what content I should write and publish.
Sometimes I feel those attitudes like an anchor around my neck. I’m not supposed to reach for too much success as an author. That’s for Other People.
Of course, being of sound mind, the anchor must be cast aside in favor of my own goals. Nobody else will achieve our dreams for us.
As for your lodger, what a dunce of a fellow. Cleverly disguise him and turn him into a character! So sorry you went through a difficult time but can’t wait to see what you turn it into.
Carmen–I have to laugh, even though I realize this is painful for you. But a family that has no trouble with you being and actual, real-life spy thinks it’s dangerous for you to write about people in law enforcement? That’s a special kind of compartmentalizing.
But I do know the “other people” syndrome. The idea that success is for “other people.” (Who are somehow born “other.”) is a widely held belief.
Wonderful insights, as usual.
I am fortunate in that many of my friends and family support my work (and even read it). One of my cousins took the time to recommend that the Toronto Public Library acquire my latest book, with the result that it is now housed in six library branches in the system.
My most negative experience was with a sister-in-law (fortunately, one who I seldom see). We were attending a family function and I was chatting with a couple of my husband’s cousins about my first release. She walked up and broke into the conversation with, “You wrote a book? Who’s the publisher?” When I replied that I had self-published, she turned her back without further comment and walked away.
Phyllis–Can I borrow your cousin? My dad’s family was from Toronto, Maybe we’re distantly related….
But that sister in law gets a prize for worst manners ever. Also complete ignorance. What an idiotic bigot.
I support other family members when they report a success in their chosen field. I listen to their stories of how hard it is.
I don’t get reciprocity.
There is something about writing mainstream fiction covering all facets of life that scares the stuffing out of your closest and dearest. It can really rattle your confidence when they refuse to recommend you to their reading friends, their book club friends.
The quiet older sister who has been sick for thirty years? She can’t possibly have produced anything of value. I have been uppity, accidentally altered the dynamic and the power hierarchy, changed my assigned role?
Didn’t realize they are all so insecure. Change is hard. Possibly the self-awareness necessary to write fiction leaks through their consciousness, and frightens them. But it does hurt to see the support they give other family members’ endeavors.
Alice–I’m so sorry! Your experiences seem to illustrate all the discouraging things I’ve outlined here.
And another commenter pointed out the change in hierarchy that happens when you become a successful writer. If you’ve always been the “sick one” or the “quiet one” you’re low in the family pecking order. So it upsets insecure people to see you in a different role–and no longer their inferior.
I think you’re right that it frightens them. But that doesn’t make the hurt any less stressful.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having some problems this year Anne, but glad that you finally managed to get rid of that jerk.
When I told my mother I wanted to write when I left school, she laughed at me and spoke with condescension. Since that day, despite the family knowing that I write and have had some success at it, they never ask me about it. It was the same when I was doing my University studies. For almost eight years, I studied part time while raising a young family, and when I finished there was no word of congratulations; I was told that maybe now I could get myself a job. They would not be able to tell you what I studied, what my degree is in, nor how well I did, nor could they tell you what kind of writing I do. Absolutely no interest shown and yet, I am to hear about their successes.
I agree what some others have said, that there seems to be a pecking order within the family. I’m the youngest one, the ‘quiet one’ and therefore I shouldn’t step out of line. It’s not always easy, but these days I have very little to do with them, as I don’t need that level of negativity in my life. If it wasn’t for having such a supportive husband and finding a great writing community on-line, I would not be thinking of self-publishing.
I’m sorry for such a long comment, but this post has struck a chord with me, along with many others. It’s good to know I’m not alone. 🙂
Debbie–As you can see from this long comment thread, you are not alone. It’s amazing how many families know so little about their siblings and children. I know in large families, the youngest can be ignored, especially if they’re quiet. I know one man whose life was scarred at the age of four when his family, on a road trip, left him at the gas station where they’d stopped for snacks. It took them four hours to get back to him, poor guy.
The truth is that artists never have it easy. People who don’t create resent people who do. I think that’s because we all have creativity in us and people who suppress their own creativity want to suppress it in others.
Luckily, we now live in a global community where we can find kindred spirits everywhere. Still, my heart goes out to you. You’ve had a tough time.
After giving a woman a complimentary copy of my latest novel, her only comments after reading it were: You know, my granddaughter is a wonderful writer and she’s only five. You should read some of her stories, one of them… what was it? Oh yes, blah blah blah. You’d find it fascinating. Honestly, she’s amazing. My book was ‘written off’. So much for saying thank you or a supportive compliment in return.
Veronica–Wow. People often go into that song and dance when they hear I’m a writer. But usually after reading a book they manage to say something before they pitch either their life story or their 5-year old’s “genius” book. (Both of which they want me to publish at my expense and then split the profits 50/50.)
I think at least 50% of people I meet have a genius 5 year old in the family whose books they want published. Poor kids will grow up to be IT people or accountants and dear old auntie will still be going on about their writing genius….
It is amazing how clueless the general public is about the publishing business. And in this case, simple good manners. Sigh. .
Thank you for a very insightful post Anne. Writing and marketing a book is indeed a great lesson in finding out who really celebrates our achievements. It weeds out the toxic “friends.” However, the blogging community is such a wonderful group who champion writers on their journey. I am forever thankful to be one of them.
Watching–I have so many friends who won’t read my books that I’d be pretty friendless in real life if I got rid of them all. But it is my online friends–especially fellow bloggers–who have got me through the rough patches. I agree that the blogging community is very special.
Anne, thanks for the post. None of my immediate family reads for entertainment, so I’m only slightly disappointed that they don’t read my stuff. My biggest regret is that my parents were both deceased before I published, since they were both readers. But I have two long-time friends (since 1969) that had the opportunity to buy one of mine. He, at least, reads fantasy, but they both showed a distinct but tacit disinterest in reading my fantasy novel. I just shrug it off. What else can I do?
Regarding your young jerkweed: Not to sound sexist, but he seems like the kind that would never dare to say that stuff to an adult male. Clods like that don’t have the nerve. But he’s “brave” enough to bully a woman. I’m a nice guy (really!) but comments like that to me would have earned a tirade that might have earned a spot in the obscenity hall of fame. Sometimes a vile response is the only thing that get through to people like that.
Fred–I’ve only got about three friends who regularly read my work. Yeah, you’ve got to learn to live with it.
As far as the “jerkweed”–you’re spot on! He’d been raised by a single mom who waited on him like a little prince–and got his sisters to do the same. He thought a woman was a cross between a punching bag and an ATM machine. I found out later he was in his late 30s and had been living off women for years.
But he was terrified of other men. That’s how I got him out. I got all the guys in the neighborhood–including a parole officer and a retired cop–to come and sit in my living room on the day he was supposed to leave. Just the sound of those booming male voices was enough to get the little jerkweed to pack up his crap and run. 🙂
Anne,
This was a wonderful post and it really put my challenges in perspective. When I travel, I leave my house and my dog in the hands of young apprentices at the UCSC Farm and Garden, and none of them have treated me like your roomer did. And I learned very early to keep my family and my readers separate. My family may read my published works surreptitiously, but I don’t even offer them my drafts any more. My readers are readers. Full stop. Thanks.
Marlene
Marlene–I think strong boundaries between work and family are a good idea. That’s how I do it now, too. And I know my Lodger from Hell was not typical of students at all. I didn’t do my due diligence before I let him move in. I let his sister push me into the setup and he’d bamboozled her too.
Ohh Anne, so glad you had neighbourly support to oust your unwanted tenant. This posts touches on so many sore spots. I have a feeling (truly, she says chuckling) that when someone actually creates and finishes a project, they shine a light. It can be too bright for those who forever talk things to death and never get around to applying action. I hesitated to say that for fear of being judgmental, but the ‘putdowns’ can come from unexpected people, in strange ways too, and yes, if we could only have the hide of a rhino we could keep creating. Creations come from emotional energy, so that’s why we take a hit. All sparkly power to your creative elbow. Hugs Xx
Jane–I love your concept! Yes, when we create, we tap into something bigger than ourselves. Call it the “collective unconscious” or “the muse” or whatever. But it does bring light and insight into the world. Even if nobody seems to appreciate it at the time. (I wrote a piece 10 years ago saying, that in a tongue in cheek way: suggesting there are aliens on another world who are loving our stuff. 🙂 )
As you say, we need to be emotionally open to tap into that creative energy, and people who are emotionally closed stifle their own creative selves. Then they feel the need to pass that stifling and unhappiness along. And their putdowns can be brutal.
Wishing you lots of sparkly power to ignore them, too.
I can so relate to this post. It is so challenging to continue to believe in ones self when those closest say things like, “Why don’t you try writing for adults, maybe something like Fifty Shades? That made a lot of money.” I have learned to share less,not so much pain.
Keep believing in your unique vision! No one will do it like you!
Laurie–Those people are everywhere, aren’t they? I met a woman at a July 4th party, who when she found out I was an author, immediately went into “advice” mode. Without asking whether I’m with a publisher, or how well my books are selling, she told me I should put naked guys on the covers of all my books, because that’s how you make money in publishing. I asked her how many books she’d published and she walked away. .
At times like that, I remind myself of the Dunning Kruger Effect: People with the least amount of knowledge are always the most confident.
Then I ignore them. I hope you can too.
Believe it or not, this post and the following comments are so comforting. I thought I was the only writer whose friends are almost embarrassed about my writing, or see it as a joke or a waste of time. My other half had an hour long conversation with his brother overseas and they talked about everything including the weather, and not once was my winning a gold medal mentioned. I get interrupted constantly when writing and if I say anything in public re a new book out, the subject is changed immediately. Right now, I’ve dried up completely – possibly the longest spell not writing. Thank heavens for those friends on line, the ones who understand and I must join that group Anne. Thank you.
Lucinda–I wish I could say your experience is uncommon, but as you can see from the comments, it’s rare to find family who do support a writer’s career. I know that hooded glance away from me if I mention a book. Or sometimes there’s actually fear in their eyes. What are they afraid of? I’ll never know. But they certainly act as if I’ve committed some scandalous act that reflects badly on them.
I love it that the PBS series “The Durrells of Corfu” shows Lawrence Durrell’s family making fun of his writing and not taking him seriously even after he’s a bestseller all over the world. That’s one of the most realistic portrayals of the writing life I’ve ever seen. Not that the story is very sympathetic to Lawrence, but at least it’s real.
I hope I can encourage you to keep writing. I finally got started on my new novel after my Annus Horribilis and it feels so great! Put your foot down and tell the family you have new rules. No interruptions when “Novel in Progress” is on the door or something like that. Best of luck!
Thanks for putting it out there, Anne. You’ve sparked a great discussion—zillions of comments!
I find myself imagining a (make believe) scenario of a friend who makes jewelry. Do I buy from her? My responses might range from ‘I don’t wear jewelry’ to ‘It’s not my taste’ to ‘It’s too expensive’ to ‘I’m in a big rush right now’ to ‘I recently bought jewelry elsewhere’ to ‘I’m really on a tight budget’ to ‘I still haven’t forgiven you for stealing my boyfriend in 10th grade.’ These all sound like ‘excuses’ if the jeweler just wants a sale or creative affirmation, but these answers are totally valid. I mean, I could always buy something as a gift…but the point is I won’t necessarily buy a bracelet just because it’s sorta nice and I know the person who made it. And that might be how friends/relations feel about our books…
Maybe it’s expecting a lot for them to pounce on our products. If anything, our society is becoming less interested in each other, and more intrigued with ourselves.
Last spring, I published a book, “Surviving Self-Publishing; or Why Ernest Hemingway Committed Suicide.” I just had to vent! And I knew my sharing could help others on the path. But one of the first comments I got was, “You sounded kinda angry.”
I was, like, “Y’think? You expected the author of THIS book to be happy?”
It’s really, really hard what we’re doing.
Ave–Your analogy kind of works. Only many of these books are given freely. So it’s more like “do you wear the jewelry you’ve been given as a gift or don’t you?” Most people would wear it at least once and tell the jeweler they liked it even if they didn’t. Same with art. Most people will make polite noises. Not so with writing.
Your book sounds fascinating. Maybe if we could all let out a huge cosmic roar of pain we could let go of that anger. But since we write, I think writing is the best way to do that.
I agree. That’s how that book came to be. And I’m not at all frustrated anymore, just cruisin’ down the road now at an even trot.
Sorry, too, I misspelled my own (pen) name, LOL, it’s Ava.
Stay strong, Anne, and keep up the great work!
Ava–Thanks!
If we’re expecting our circle of non-writers to be interested in our writing….fuggeddaboudit.
Spouse, grown kids and relatives all know I have a blog, but none have read anything on it, even though I’ve mentioned how other folks have said they really like the humor.
As for my book-in-progress, they’re convinced I don’t know what I’m doing since I’m obviously wasting time editing my first draft rather than publishing it as is.
Phil–Yup. That’s about the size of it! I love it when friends send me clips of news stories I’ve already covered in my blog. God forbid they should read fresh news on MY blog when they can read if 2 weeks later from some stranger!
And everybody with no experience with writing or publishing knows more than you do. This is a rule. Just ask them. 🙂 Sigh, We have to stop up our ears and keep writing.
Thank you, Thank you! I’m a noob in the writing business (a long-time blogger, now working on books). I’ve been fighting off respiratory infections since early autumn, and had developed very painful knees after healing. My husband responded by telling me I needed to move around more, and to lose weight.
I just visited my doctor, and I now have rheumatoid arthritis. I attribute the sudden onset to both a weakened immune system, and a very critical husband. I am continuing my writing, but am putting aside a certain amount of time to work on reducing negativity in my life.
I hadn’t previously seen the connection between the health issue, negativity, and my writing – which has been stalled since my health problems began.
Right–I feel your pain. Literally. I’m fighting a horrible case of bronchitis and somehow it’s made my arthritis flare up something fierce. This morning my legs just gave way under me. I can’t blame negativity in my life, but I know that would make it worse. It is very hard to heal when you’re surrounded by negative energy. Sending positive vibes your way. Keep writing and hang onto your dreams!
I have a handful of people like that in my life – especially the Groucho Marxists and the “it isn’t done yet?” types. I seem to spot Poisonous Playmates slightly faster these days and put up a defense – these people often seem to come in the “if you wrote my novel idea, you’d have a bestseller” variety.
Tyrean–They can all suck the energy out of you, can’t they? My life seems to consist of about 95% Groucho Marxists. Sigh.