Feeling like you’re not a real writer? Fight self-doubt with these books.
by Janet Boyer
What are the true enemies of writers—those monsters that haunt, harangue and harass?
After twenty years of writing—the last decade spent as a traditionally-published non-fiction author and Amazon.com Hall of Fame Reviewer—I’ve chased down those #*@#$!% fiends and took names.
Turns out that there are only two, if you can believe it.
Yeah, I know. And here we thought we were dealing with Legion…
Without further ado, meet…Comparison and Perfectionism.
(Oh wait. You’re already BFFs! That second “F” being “Frenemies”, of course.)
Now, procrastination likes to borrow masks and play boogeyman (or lull us to sleep), but he’s just a lackey—a symptom, really—of those two main monsters.
Here’s the real kicker:
Those monsters? They are us.
What keeps you from feeling like a real writer:
Both comparison and perfectionism are narratives—stories we tell ourselves about our writing (or even our “brand”)—that involve words like “should”, “must”, “always”, “never” and “best”.
Humans are control freaks. And writers? Arguably, doubly so.
So we try to control our “optics” (how we appear to the world):
- Clout (how much influence we have—often confused with followers, “likes” and retweets).
- Marketability (visibility and productivity).
- Profitability (sales).
If we become particularly neurotic, we may lash out at other writers in envy—wondering why they get all the attention and success. (Or, at least, hold some pretty profanity-laced imaginary conversations with them—or their fans—in our heads).
And dealing with internet trolls, stalkers and haters on top of it all?
Good Lord, no wonder many of us are emotional wrecks!
Although there are many wonderful writing craft books out there [looks at her bulging shelves and counts over 100 of them]—not many focus on primarily the emotional aspects of writing.
Fear. Disappointment. Jealousy. Loneliness. Discouragement. Frustration. Anxiety. Confusion. Existential angst. Anger. Sadness. Despair.
Not including physical/medical causes, those feelings tend to coalesce from what’s between our ears—i.e., the unexamined thoughts, assumptions, mandates and judgments we hold (often without realizing they’re fueling our emotions).
The good news? There are some high-quality books on creativity out there—many, writer-centric—that focus on commiserating about dark times, identifying the root of painful emotions, cultivating resilience, persevering with your craft, inviting uplifting states of being, forcing life to mean and recognizing what’s really important to us (NB: it’s not the same for everyone).
Here are the books that helped me the most. I hope you find them as the equivalent of a hot cup of tea. Or a soft pillow, a bracing splash of cold water, or, like The Hermit’s lantern, a brightly-burning flame that will lead you back to your truest, most empowered Self.
Rather than giving mini-overviews of each book—they would probably sound pretty similar, anyway, since my Top 10 address parallel themes—I’ll share highlighted passages from my own copies.
1. Writing Past Dark: Envy, Fear, Distraction, and Other Dilemmas in the Writer’s Life by Bonnie Friedman
Envy is a con-man, a tugger at your sleeve, a knocker at your door. Let me in for a moment, it says, for just one moment of your time.
It claims to tell the truth; it craves attention. The more you listen to it, the more you believe what it says. The more thoroughly you believe, the more you think you must listen. You must get the info on who is out there, how young the competition is, where they’ve been reviewed, what they’ve won, and what that means about you.
The antidote to envy is one’s own work. Always one’s own work. Not the thinking about it. Not the assessing of it. But the doing of it. The answers you want can only come from the work itself. It drives the spooks away
2. The Van Gogh Blues: The Creative Person’s Path Through Depression by Eric Maisel, Ph.D.
You are what you think. Meaning-making is impossible if your thoughts lead you about by the nose, if you have no way to dispute your negative thoughts, and if you can’t penetrate the real thoughts and feelings behind your customary expressions.
Train yourself to:
- Hear what you’re thinking.
- Confront your negative thoughts and to replace them with self-friendlier ones.
- Look behind your words to discover what you actually mean.
As with the other tasks I’m describing, this is a lot to ask. But asking anything less of yourself is a recipe for enduring depression.
3. The Artist’s Way Every Day: A Year of Creative Living by Julia Cameron
Festivity breeds creativity. Rigidity breeds despair. When your high spirits are straitjacketed in the name of virtue or discipline, the vital and youthful spark in us that enjoys adventure and is game for invention begins to flicker like a flame in a draft.
Creativity responds to nourishment and warmth.
If we are forbidden to be childlike—told perhaps that is “childish” or “selfish”—if we are urged to be too sensible, we react as gifted students do to an authoritarian teacher—we refuse to learn and grow. Our considerable energy is channeled into resistance and over time solidified into a hard-to-penetrate shell of feigned indifference.
The universe is alive with energy. It is fertile, abundant, even raucous—so are we. Most of us are high-spirited, humorous, even pranksterish with the least encouragement. What is lack for so many of us is precisely the least encouragement.
4. Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity by Hugh MacLeod
If you can accept the pain, it cannot hurt you. The pain of making the necessary sacrifices always hurts more than you think it’s going to. I know. It sucks.
That being said, doing something seriously creative is one of the most amazing experiences one can have, in this or any other lifetime. If you can pull it off, it’s worth it.
Even if you don’t end up pulling it off, you’ll learn many incredible, magical, valuable things. It’s not doing it—when you know full well you had the opportunity—that hurts far more than any failure.
5. Chapter After Chapter: Discover the Dedication and Focus You Need to Write the Book of Your Dreams by Heather Sellers
From writing my memoir, I learned everything has to be about two things. Along the way, I learned that having too many writing projects at once is not appealing to the muse; it’s slutty, and she has Standards.
Writing a book is exactly like love. You don’t hold back. You give it everything you have. If it doesn’t work out, you’re heartbroken, but you move forward and start again anyway. You have to.
6. Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative by Austin Kleon
Keep a praise file. Life is a lonely business, often filled with discouragement and rejection. Yes, validation is for parking, but it’s still a tremendous boost when people say nice things about our work.
Occasionally, I have the good fortune to have something take off online, and for a week or two, I’ll be swimming in Tweets and nice e-mails from people discovering my work. It’s pretty wonderful. And disorienting. And a major high. But I always know that high will taper off, and a few weeks down the road I will have a dark day when I want to quit, when I wonder why the heck I even bother with this stuff.
That’s why I put every really nice e-mail I get in a special folder. (Nasty e-mails get deleted immediately). When those dark days roll around and I need a boost, I open that folder and read through a couple e-mails. Then I get back to work.
Try it: Instead of keeping a rejection file, keep a praise file. Use it sparingly—don’t get lost in past glory—but keep it around for when you need the lift.
7. Life Without Envy: Ego Management for Creative People by Camille DeAngelis
If we don’t acknowledge what we feel—if we don’t process it in a similar manner to an invoice we receive in the mail—those feelings with take up residence inside us.
Your envy and frustration become part of your fabric of muscle and bone and tendon. You carry your disappointment in your blood. It courses through you and keeps your stuck…We can’t do anything about other people’s rage and sorrow, but we owe it to ourselves—not to mention our family and colleagues—to deal with our shit, to see it and let it go…
These stores of stale and unproductive energy accumulate over a lifetime, so releasing them is going to take a while too. You have to be patient with yourself
8. You’ve Got a Book in You: A Stress-Free Guide to Writing the Book of Your Dreams by Elizabeth Sims
Remember you are more than your head. Be sure to pay attention to your feelings as you go. Maybe some fear is coming up, maybe some anger about what you’re writing. Whatever emotions come, never resist them. Allow them to be. Notice them, and neither suppress them nor go drama queen about them.
As you write, ask yourself: How am I feeling now? Is my belly nice and loose, is my breath coming freely? Are my neck and shoulders loose? Am I having fun? Have I smiled in the last few minutes? Have I smiled at all since I started doing this? Am I taking myself too seriously?
9. Writing from the Inside Out: Transforming Your Psychological Blocks to Release the Writer Within by Dennis Palumbo
I would argue that, painful as it seems, it’s actually easier to endure feelings of inferiority than to challenge yourself to grow as an artist.
In fact, in my own life, when I’m tempted to devalue my work in comparison to others’, I’ve learned to see it as a red flag, a kind of warning beacon alerting me to look back at myself and see where I might feel stuck, unmotivated, uninspired. Invariably, if I explore my working process honestly, I’ll find that comparing myself to others was triggered by a lack of excitement or commitment to what I was working on.
10. Toxic Criticism by Eric Maisel, Ph.D.
Self-criticism is a mental mistake rooted in the way that the mind readily turns mere problematic information—such as that you are speaking at a certain high-decibel level—into self-chastisement: that you are speaking too loudly.
Because you are built to make this mental mistake, you regularly commit what philosophers call the naturalistic fallacy: you turn an “is” into an “ought”. “I am speaking at XX decibel level” is an “is”, a natural fact. “I am speaking too loudly” is a statement about right and wrong, about what is proper and what is improper.
To move habitually from a fact to a negative self-judgment without noticing that you have cavalierly attacked yourself is the epitome of neurotic self-harm. The truth will set you free. But smacking yourself in the mouth as you tell yourself the truth will only break your teeth.
Honorable Mentions (other books that have been extraordinarily helpful to me on the creative path):
- Loving What Is by Byron Katie
- The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
- Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday
- Why Your Life Sucks (and What You Can Do About It) by Alan Cohen
by Janet Boyer (@JanetBoyer) September 16, 2018
Janet Boyer is the author of Back in Time Tarot and Tarot in Reverse, as well as the co-creator (with her husband, artist Ron Boyer) of the Snowland Deck and the Coffee Tarot. Janet’s third traditionally-published book, Naked Tarot: Sassy, Stripped Down Advice, released into the wild from Dodona Books this week.
The Coffee Tarot Companion Book also launches this month. As a respected, trusted Amazon Hall of Fame Reviewer (there’s only 159 of them), she’s penned over 1,200 reviews, and several articles have been featured in print magazines. A radio co-host (Tarot Insider) and podcaster (Naked Tarot) she’s been a guest on the nationally syndicated radio show Coast to Coast AM with George Noory, Jim Harold’s Paranormal Podcast and other metaphysical programs. She invites you to visit her online at JanetBoyer.com.
What about you, scriveners? Do you ever worry you’re not a real writer? Has discouragement got you blocked? Have you ever read any of these books and found motivation in them? I know that I often turn to The Artist’s Way when I’m going through a bad patch. What’s your favorite motivational writing book?
And here’s more from Anne on When Can You Call Yourself a Real Writer.
BOOK OF THE WEEK
Thanks, Janet.
I haven’t ready any of these books yet. I’ll investigate and add them to my Kindle wish list if I like the view inside previews.
Your most welcome, Kathy! Some are older and may not be on Kindle, though.
Hi Janet! Great insights and terrific list! Thanks. 🙂
I would also add Anne’s excellent post on the link between writer’s block and depression. https://selfpublishingsites.com/2017/07/writers-block-and-depression/
Hi Ruth! Great to see you! Glad you found my post insightful. Thanks!
Excellent list, Janet. I found 3 and 7 especially helpful.
And to add to this list–Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
Leanne, how in the WORLD did I forget Big Magic?! OMG, what an oversight on my part! I think I overlooked it because 1. It’s not shelved among my writing books 2. It’s been a few years since I read it. A huge YES to add to the list. Definitely in my top 3…
Excellent list. I’ll pick up that ninth book. I could use it.
I think perfectionism is my greatest enemy.
Hi Alex! I thought perfectionism plagues MOST of us, for sure. We have to get to the point of “good enough” with our work–or else we’ll never move on to our next project. Best wishes to you on your writing journey!
So. Many. Thoughts. But what a tremendous spirit in this post, thanks so much Janet.
I think in the end the search for motivation and creativity will become us like a suit of armor- which is to say, handcrafted to fit only us. And training, by the way, the hard knocks in the tilt yard and at tourney. Man, I’m on a roll, have to think about what a crusade is in this context…
Sometimes, it sure FEELS like we’re in battle, doesn’t it, Will? But many times, the windmills we’re charging at are…us. :o) Another of Eric Maisel’s books that is helpful is Life Purpose Boot Camp: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEIXhxk1wZ0 Because, ultimately, the search for motivation and creativity is the search for meaning, IMO. :o)
Adding one: The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks (that’s a man, by the way).
It’s not a book for writers specifically, but more on things that happen when we hit a certain level of success and sabotage ourselves to bring ourselves back down to where we were.
I’ve heard of Gay and his wife. Very prolific couple int he Self Help field! :o)
Great post. I particularly appreciate book #6 — it’s so hard to figure out what’s thievery & what isn’t, especially in the arts. When it comes to this subject, I can’t quite practice what Woody preached, but I’ve always loved what Woody Guthrie had to say about plagiarism — “He just stole from me, but Hell, I steal from everybody.”
Ha! Good quote! Steal Like an Artist will definitely help people figure out the difference between theft and re-purposing; ;o)
A great post, thank you Janet. I must read your Naked Tarot, as if my TBR pile wasn’t teetering already. These are issues that, if ignored, can derail the most promising career. In 40 years of writing, I’ve learned that they come up with most books and have to be wrestled to the ground, an ongoing task.Two books I find hugely helpful are Susan Jeffers’ Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and Focusing by Eugene Gendlin, It’s brilliant for helping writers to make creative decisions. I found this book while working on my Diploma in Professional Counselling, not to practice but to deepen my understanding of characters.
Ohhhh, I’ve not heard of those, Valerie! Thanks for sharing. Going to look them both up on Amazon now. You are SO right about writing careers wrecked by discouragement, frustration and depression–if not by drugs, drink or self-destructive behavior, then by abandoning creativity altogether. :o( By the way, NAKED TAROT could really help with creating and fleshing out characters–especially the Court Cards. I have examples from movies and literature for every card to give a snapshot of each’s particular energy. You can read a sample chapter at http://NakedTarot.com
Great post, Janet. I find that being ignored hurts as much as the words, “You still writing that book?” I have learned to say I’m living on a desert island or that I now raise glow worms. Just kidding. But unless I know the person really cares about my work, I keep quiet. Better that way.
Being ignored can be really painful, especially if you put so much time and energy into a book. “Ignored” can be translated into “low sales” or “no reviews”, of course. That’s one reason I listed Loving What Is by Byron Katie (http://TheWork.com) and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: those two books help us in detaching from results–including what others think of us…and our books. Or even if we feel ignored altogether. :o)
Hee, Elizabeth Havey. My agent tells people she’s a kindergarten teacher, figuring nobody wants to sent their child to her for an opinion. And Janet, I LOVE The Four Agreements even if “don’t take anything personally” is very hard to do. Off to check out your link now.
Yeah, the “don’t take anything personally” part is GOLD.
Great suggestions. I already have two of those. Now I need to pick the other eight.
Comparison and Perfectionism better watch out!
Go, ingmarhek, go! :o)
Fantastic post thank you, so much time is wasted on negative thoughts when it could be spent writing. xxx
My pleasure, Adele! You’re so right: winning the head game is over half the battle of being a writer, IMO.
Completely agree on the Artist’s Way. I did that a long time ago now but still return to it and all of Julia Cameron’s books when I feel in need of a bit of gentle advice.
Victoria, the cool thing about The Artist’s Way Every Day is that each of the 365 entries are culled from Julia’s creativity books–beyond just the seminal Artist’s Way. :o)
Excellent list! One of my favorite things about Steal Like An Artist is how it was created by hand drawing first. It’s so easy to get caught up in our computers or pen on paper. But when you literally put your hands on the objects of what you’re creating… freedom around creativity!!
I’ve created some character and world building exercises based on this!
Most of my books are written longhand, Leigh! Yeah, double work typing it on the computer for eventual submission but… There’s just something magical about it. Maybe it employs BOTH sides of the brain?
Great post. Thank you. And, yes, I can SO relate to “comparison” and “perfectionism”. I read constantly and am always comparing my writing to the author I’m reading – and my writing rarely matches the quality of that author. Then I feel crummy about me and my writing – bad juju! And of course, I want my book to be perfect before it goes out to the world and I could edit it forever. Which is ridiculous because you have to stop sometime! Thank you for bringing all this to light and for sharing your thoughts about the books to help us out on our journey.
You’re very welcome, Patricia! You know, as writers (and individuals) we each have different “voices” borne from life experience, region of origin/residence, formal training (or lack thereof) and other variables. At the end of the day, no one can tell a story just like you–with all your glorious quirks, observations and unique word choices–because there’s only ONE Patricia Yager Delagrange! Keep at it–and keep your eyes on your own paper. ;o)
Thank you for this post! I’d add Anne Lamott’s “Bird By Bird”.
This, however, worries me:
‘You are what you think. […] Train yourself to: Confront your negative thoughts and to replace them with self-friendlier ones. […] As with the other tasks I’m describing, this is a lot to ask. But asking anything less of yourself is a recipe for enduring depression.’
This is not how depression works…except the last sentence. Depression uses guilt as one of its tools to flagellate the victim. A depressed brain translates the last sentence as “you’re only depressed because you’re not trying hard enough, it’s your own fault”. I know. From regularly repeated experience. After 15 years of living with reoccurring depression I learned enough to know those thoughts are lies, but when you spend days and days with your mind constantly repeating the same, very short tape you begin to believe them. It took me 13 out of those 15 years to finally stop believing I was only depressed because I was “asking less of myself”.
My depressions have various “levels”. When I am mildly depressed, I’m completely conscious of what is going on and that I just need some time out. When I am more depressed, to the point where I can’t even read, it gets more difficult. At my rock bottom, when I can barely move and a trip to the bathroom takes half an hour of preparing… I can’t challenge my thoughts any more than a person without a leg can run a marathon.
I’m not writing this to upset or chide you, of course! I’ve just been told a countless amount of times to “just think positive”, “stop being depressed”, or “I was once depressed for three days after a breakup, but then I got over it”. So when you write about confronting the thoughts and replacing them with self-friendlier ones no matter how difficult it is… *that* is the real recipe for enduring depression.
It’s the use of the word ‘depression’, which is an illness, not something that can be scolded and pushed aside.
In life and in writing, I feel that we find plenty of ways to validate poor responses or confusion or distractions, like starting to believe the person in the critique group who keeps pushing negative comments. We compare with everyone, and when we compare to reinforce our own doubts, it gets messy.
I appreciate you bringing this up, Bjorn, as self-worth/self-confidence needs to be in place to find the power to believe we can write, we will write, we find fulfillment in writing.
Thanks to Janet and others who have shared supportive books — this is a great list!
Maria D’Marco
Bjorn and Maria–I think it’s important to differentiate between ordinary depression, which we all feel at times, and clinical depression, which is a medical diagnosis.
At this blog, we talk about psychological illnesses at times, but we do not mean to pose as medical professionals. Janet is approaching this as a person who has felt these emotions personally and is sharing some books that have helped her in times of crisis.
But this is not meant to be medical advice. Anybody suffering from clinical depression should seek professional medical help.
Bjorn, you’re totally right when it comes to a clinical diagnosis of depression. I was diagnosed with Major Depression in college and voluntarily admitted myself to a in-hospital treatment center for two weeks of intense therapy. (I flushed the anti-depressants down the toilet when no one was looking). Around 7 years ago, I was diagnose with GAD and take a medication for it. Plus, my minor was in Psychology–and, Dr. Maisel is a licensed, practicing psychologist who specifically treats artists. So, the depression mentioned here isn’t the medical or biochemical one (although those can certainly be exacerbated by self-defeating patterns of thought)–but the existential angsty kind that is related directly to the search for meaning in life…and in one’s art.
Tiger, Dr. Maisel is the last person that would scold a person for feeling down. He’s dedicated his life to helping artists with myriad books, coaching certification programs and a private practice. :o) You need to read the whole book/s to discover what he means; a quote (obviously) doesn’t do his work, or advice, justice.
Anne, you’re absolutely correct: as one who knows the difference between clinical depression and angsty artist depression, I was referring to the latter…which can often be traced to what Positive Psychology calls “Intrusive Thoughts”: https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/intrusive-thoughts The NIH calls them “Reptitive Thoughts”: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2672052/ Anti-anxiety meds can certainly remedy some of this–I can attest to that–but I was referring to those who don’t stop to question the criticisms they receive from others and themselves via recurring, dis-empowering mental loops.
Thank you all for taking the time to comment. Much appreciated!
I used to despair of ever getting published. As a former high school English teacher I knew that I knew how to write! I was ready to give up, though, after nothing but rejections. I took a writing class, learned what I was missing, and got published! I don’t make my living writing, though I’d like to, but I’ve had just enough positive feedback to keep me confident, I really don’t suffer from any of those things except envy, and that’s a “creative envy’…I wish I could come up with wonderful similes like Stephen King.
Fred, that’s wonderful that you’re one of those rare creatures that doesn’t suffer from any negative feelings surrounding writing. :o)
Thank you for the post, Janet! So much great information all in one place. I love Austin Kleon but haven’t read his book yet. I’ll definitely buy it now.
My pleasure, Louanne! If you love Austin Kleon, then you’ll definitely enjoy his first book. :o) (His second one isn’t as good as Steal Like An Artist, IMO).