Unsupportive friends and family can make us feel separated from the world.
by Anne R. Allen
I’m always amazed at how many people I know — friends who would go out of their way to help me physically — cannot say one supportive thing about my writing. Some even ask for one of my books and then never mention it again. Others make fun of the fact I’m a writer. “Yeah, but what do you do for a living?”
When I tell them I’ve written a blogpost about a subject that interests them, they make elaborate excuses for not reading it. Or they say “I’m not a blogger” as if that prevents them from reading online content.
Even after three bestsellers, a highly successful blog, and multiple awards. I have a lot of unsupportive friends who don’t acknowledge that I’m a writer. And I’ve discovered I’m not alone.
It turns out a whole lot of people can’t deal with having creatives for friends.
Facebook Poll: Most Writers Have Unsupportive Friends and Family
A couple of weeks ago, I saw a post in a writing group on Facebook. A writer complained her family weren’t supportive of her writing dream and asked if members had the support of people in their lives.
About a third of respondents said yes, most people in their lives give them emotional support.
But the majority had surprisingly negative responses. Here are some:
- Not much. My wife hasn’t kicked me out of the house for writing, but otherwise, she doesn’t.
- Short answer: No. Long answer: They keep telling me that I should live in the “real world”
- No and they’ve helped destroy any chance of me writing.
- Yes and no
- My mother does. My ex. Not really.
- HELL NO!
- It’s generally ignored. So…better than them actively discouraging me.
- No, I support them.
- I don’t ask them. I never have.
- NOPE, my son lets me bounce ideas off him, but no one reads my work.
- Not really.
- At least the ones who thought I was crazy shut up when I got my second USA Today Bestseller.
Why are People so Unsupportive of Creatives?
There are a number of reasons people don’t support our writing dreams. Some involve a genuine desire to protect us. They know writing for publication is a tough, dangerous path, and want to save us from pain.
I think some are afraid of seeing themselves in our writing — either as a fictional character or a direct portrayal in memoir. They also may fear knowing too much about you — information that might necessitate guilt.
But most of the negativity comes from their own blocked creativity. I believe every person is born creative, but modern life marginalizes creative activity. Most people have to squelch their own creative urges in order to function in an industrial society. So they tend to feel hostile toward people who remain unsquelched.
How many people have told you they’d write a book too, “if they had the time”? Those people can be super-negative about your work because they so desperately want to write but can’t allow themselves to put in the time.
Yes, writing takes a lot of time, and that’s probably another source of the negativity. The time you carve out for writing is time you might otherwise spend with family and friends. Those people don’t want to encourage you to do something that will take you away from them.
The Financial Aspect
We need to face the obvious financial impact of choosing the writing life and how that makes our friends and family feel. The average working writer doesn’t make huge amounts of money. And when we’re starting our careers, we probably have no income from our writing at all.
Friends and family don’t want to have to support us financially. And we shouldn’t expect them to. Most writers have day jobs. But if you’re quitting or cutting back on a good-paying job to pursue writing dreams, family may be hurt by the cut in income. If they’re resentful of your loss of income, they may become very negative about your writing.
It’s Okay to Ask for Emotional Support
Sometimes you can get loved ones to be more encouraging if you simply talk to them and explain how important their support is to you. They may not know what to say, or they may not realize how much you need the occasional encouraging word..
But others simply can’t or won’t provide support..
That means you need to wear some psychic armor when you’re around them, or their negativity can derail your dreams.
Here are some non-supportive types who can sabotage your career plans.
Crazymakers and Poisonous Playmates
Creativity guru Julia Cameron described these people as “storm centers…long on problems but short on solutions.”
They are the drama queens, emotional vampires, and control freaks who crave your full- time attention and can’t stand for you to focus on anything but them.
Writers are magnets for these people because we tend to be good listeners.
- You tell your Poisonous Playmate your writing schedule, but she’ll always “forget,” and show up at exactly the time your story is on a roll. She’ll insist on going out for coffee so she can tell you something urgent. Except when you get to the coffee shop, she’s forgotten what she wanted to talk about and wants you to go to a movie afterward.
- Have a deadline for a difficult article? That’s the moment a Crazymaker spouse will stomp into your office and confess the affair he had four years ago when you were on a relationship break.
- Got an agent waiting for a rewrite? That’s the week Mrs. Crazymaker calls to beg you to babysit her sick child because she can’t take off work. After all, she has a REAL job.
Crazymakers and Poisonous Playmates need to be center stage, 24/7. And you’re the audience. Don’t buy a ticket.
Dream Smashers
These are the know-it-alls who specialize in discouragement. They’ve given up on their own dreams and want you to do the same. (Don’t confuse these with the people who genuinely want to keep you from being scammed.)
- They’re full of statistics showing the odds against getting published.
- They’ll send links to articles with dire warnings about carpal tunnel syndrome and back injuries due to long sessions at the keyboard.
- They have an unending supply of stories about suicide and depression in writers.
Encourage them to write their own books.
Groucho Marxists
The Groucho Marxist manifesto is, to paraphrase the great Julius Henry Marx: “I do not care to read a book by a person who would accept me as a friend.”
Groucho Marxists are your family members and buddies who assume your work is terrible because it was written by somebody they know.
I’m not talking about those helpful beta readers who comb through your unpublished manuscript looking for flaws to be fixed before you submit.
These are the folks who feel compelled to ridicule and belittle your work, whether they’ve read it or not. No amount of success will convince them you’re any good.
- You get a story published. Groucho can’t be bothered to read it. But he’s always bringing you stories by other writers in your genre, “so you can see how a REAL writer does it.”
- You get your big call from that agent. Groucho will try to convince you she’s a scammer. Why would a real agent represent a nobody like you? (But do check them out at Writer Beware, just in case.)
- You sign with a publisher. Groucho thinks he’s heard a rumor the company is about to go under. Look how desperate they must be if they’d publish your book.
- Your book is climbing up the bestseller list. One book keeps selling just ahead of you. Groucho will read your rival’s book and praise it to the skies. But he’ll never read yours.
These people are highly competitive and feel your success will make you “better than them.” Remind them of their own skills and accomplishments and reassure them that any writing success you achieve won’t change your relationship.
How To Keep Your Creativity Alive in a Negative Environment.
So what do we do? How can a writer keep going in spite of the indifference of unsupportive friends and family?
Pretend You’re a Spy
Sometimes I find it helps to pretend I have a job I can’t talk about. Like an undercover cop or a spy — or even a serial killer. (After all, weren’t you up late last night killing that nasty Aunt Hermione that all the heirs wanted out of the way?)
Or hey, I can pretend I’m James Bond or an international jewel thief and have an exciting secret life these people don’t know about. That explains why they never ask. 🙂
It sounds silly, but sometimes it works. And who knows? Maybe their interest will be piqued when they sense you have a secret life you’re hiding from them.
Act Professional and Erect Boundaries
If you’re serious about your work, the people who really care about you will eventually learn to treat your work with respect even if they don’t care to read it.
It helps if you treat your writing space as your professional office where you go to work at a certain time every day, Let people know that time is sacred. Erect strong boundaries and be fierce in defending them.
Delete Toxic Relationships
It’s hard enough to live with the constant rejection we have to deal with in this industry, so when you’re attacked in your personal life, it’s tough to hang on. If you do find you’re surrounded by Groucho Marxists, Crazymakers and Dream Smashers, it may be necessary to detach for the sake of your mental health. .
If someone in your life is actively sabotaging your work and dreams, you may have to stop taking their phone calls. Let them find an audience elsewhere. I know a successful indie author who recently left a marriage where he had to endure daily negativity about his work.
Most writers don’t have to be that drastic. But I had to let a number of people fade from my life when my career started to take off. I was either going to be the “good listener” for the rest of my life, or have a writing career. I chose the career.
And you may be doing them a favor. One of the super-negative Groucho Marxists in my life took up writing herself after I stopped being available to listen.
Meet Other Writers
However, the most important thing is to find some friends who DO understand your “secret life.” Your best source of support will probably be other writers.
This is one time when social media can actually aid in keeping mentally healthy. Online writers’ groups can be a great source of support. Just make sure you choose the right one. If you see any hint of negativity or snark, don’t go there.
An online group I recommend wholeheartedly is the Insecure Writers Support Group. It’s free to join and they’re great people who can help with all aspects of becoming a published author.
Writers Conferences and in-person meetings and groups can be wonderful for meeting writers. My in-person writing critique group has been a major source of strength for decades. I don’t know where I’d be without them. When the rest of my life is in upheaval, there they are, every other Wednesday, with a chapter or story and critique to share.
I think it’s vitally important for us — at any stage of a writing career — to seek out a supportive group of fellow writers. The group doesn’t have to critique or share work. You just need to have each other’s backs and be sympathetic to the ups and downs of this industry. We are very lucky in my area to have the wonderful SLO Nightwriters. Their monthly lectures (I hope soon to be in person again) are a great place for new writers to network.
Look for local chapters of writers’ organizations in your genre, like Sisters in Crime, RWA, and SCWBI as well as state and regional writing clubs. Sometimes your local library can help you find a writing group..
Develop “Rhino Hide”
We need to learn to take indifference in stride. Mostly people don’t care about our dreams one way or the other. So we should stop expecting them to change. I remember the dentist partner of a writer once said. “I don’t expect her to look at pictures of the crown I put in today. Why should I want to look at her writing?”
We have to stop hoping they’ll develop an interest. It’s never going to happen. The problem of dealing with unsupportive friends and family is on us.
As Ruth Harris wrote here a few years ago, a writer needs to develop a “rhino hide” to get through it all. We’re in a tough business, and we have to learn to be tough, too.
by Anne R. Allen (@annerallen) July 4, 2021
What about you, scriveners? Do you have unsupportive friends and family? Or are you one of the lucky ones? Do you seek out other writers when you need encouragement? Do you have any stories of painful discouragement from friends or family?
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Good stuff, Anne.
As for me, I’m one of the fortunate ones.Nobody goes out of his/her way to rain on my writing parade. A few even ask occasionally howdy writing is coming along. I’m also very fortunate to have bumbled into finding a couple very supportive critique groups, the encouraging community of the SCBWI (Society of Children’s Book Writers & Illustrators), & I’m over the moon about the support & encouragement I get through my Highlights Foundation community.
CS–Supportive people ARE out there, aren’t they? The important thing is to keep networking until you find strong, positive groups
Excellent and reassuring post, Anne, that will help lots of writers who don’t appreciate being dissed or ignored. Thanks.
Only one person in my family *ever* said a single word to me about my writing. Including about my NYT bestsellers, 25 international editions, and book club selections and that was my late brother who informed me when I gave him a copy of a newly-published book: “I’d never read any of the shit you write.”
Thanks, bro. No one else ever said a word—nothing, zip, zero, zilch—so their radio silence could be viewed as an improvement over brother, dear.
No wonder I’m drawn to rhinos. 😉
Ruth–There’s the unsupportive, and then there’s…the truly toxic. How awful to have to deal with that from your own family. But you learned to grow that rhino hide and keep going–to the NYT bestseller list.
It’s terrible what so many writers have to endure. I’m blessed family members and close friends support me. I do believe a lot of it comes from envy that those people can’t come up with something creative and have to bash those who do just to make themselves feel better.
Alex–I agree. Squelched creativity can explode in a lot of angry, unpleasant ways. We have to ignore these people or escape from them.
Thank you for mentioning this normally silenced topic. Thank you also for the great motivation, in these times a lot of writers and authors will appreciate thankfully. Happy Independence Day! Best wishes for a beautiful week! xx Michael
Michael–You’re right that a lot of writers don’t talk about the problem. That’s why many feel alone. But we can get support from each other.
Yep – Rhino Hide is essential in this crazy biz. Perhaps more like titanium armour plating that protects the cockpit on an A-10 Warthog air-to-ground fighter jet. And top it off with self-sealing fuel tanks needed to keep on flyin’ over occupied Goodreads territory.
I gotta say, Anne (and Ruth, who’s been particularly flattering to me lately on some of the other blogs – much, much appreciated!) that my immediate family – wife, daughter, and son – have been solid supporters since the day I first pressed the self-pub button. But what’s been interesting lately is how many from the police fraternity have reached out to me, wanting to be my friend. Word on the cop street must be I’m gonna be the next Joseph Wambaugh or something.
Ha! In their blue-lined dreams! However, ole Rhino Hide here gonna keep on typin’ away. Enjoy your day!
Garry–That’s what we need: Titanium Warthog armor! That’s very cool that your fellow police officers are supporting you. That’s the kind of networking that can really sell books. 🙂
Brava Anne! I’m old enough to have some snapback in my rhino-hide, and I do not suffer negative nabobs willingly. Kind of fun watching their faces when the riot act is read.
But I’ve been very fortunate to have a supportive family, even those who don’t really “get” the genre. I was only in e-books back in 2013 when my sainted Mom heard I’d written a book and demanded to see it. I helped a sister living in the same town print it all out and bring it to her- never expected to hear about it again. My Mom has Alzheimer’s and back then we were seeing it set in. She never read any fantasy book in her entire life.
She calls me to say she’s started reading it and my heart just stopped. But she gave me a gift then. She said “It’s all about honor, isn’t it?” I practically wept, and assured her that was exactly right.
Will–How marvelous that your mom could relate to your book and understand its theme! Even though she was starting to lose brain control. A wonderful gift.
But yeah, we’ve got to fight those Negative Nabobs!! 🙂
Thank you for this article, Anne. As Ruth wrote, it’s reassuring.
I’ve spent too much time dreaming about having the same type of support that that author received or longing to have a certain type of support from this particular person. However, when I stop to consider the support I’ve received I realize how truly blessed I’ve been.
Leanne–I think you’ve hit on part of the problem. If we have a specific kind of support in mind, or we want praise from a certain person, we’re probably going to be disappointed. So we need to temper our expectations. But the support is out there. I’m glad you’ve been able to find it.
When I first started writing, my husband was super-supportive (as he still is today) but the rest of the family thought it was “sweet” that I “had a hobby.” I stopped even mentioning it until I got published, which gained me a modicum of respect. The biggest turning point was when they accompanied me to a fair I go to every year. Readers ran up to my booth all excited to get my latest book and take a photo with me (authors are like rockstars in Small Town, USA). Since that day, no one in the family ever questioned my writing again. Quite the opposite. Now they’re waiting for me to buy them all lake houses. I told them it’ll be a long wait. LOL
Sue–You’ve brought up the other side of what most families think about writers. It’s either “you’ll never make a penny.” or “you’re so rich, you should buy me a house.” It’s pretty nice to have them see you surrounded by fans, though. And finally get support. As long as they don’t keep bugging you about that lake house. 🙂
Hi, Anne
Interesting post.
I’ve run into some of these–but from from other writers!
It was when I was on Absolute Write. I would see Dream Crushers everywhere. One writer in particular couldn’t get anything but form rejections. So when another writer popped up wanting to try something he’d seen in a best-selling novel, pushing his skills to the next level, this writer would tell him, “Big name writer can get away with that. You can’t. Don’t even bother to try.” In hindsight, he probably wanted to keep everyone where he was, unsuccessful
Linda–It’s true that writers can be pretty awful to each other in some groups. Absolute Write was one of the worst places that way. It was full of Debby Downers and Negative Nellies. That’s the kind of group we have to avoid at all costs. A loser who wants other people to lose is pure poison to a beginning writer.
My mother, on holding my first hardcover in her hands: “it looks just like a REAL book…”
My mother, on the kind of stuff I write: “Why don’t you write the stuff that people really want to read instead of that fantasy stuff… you know… real life… like Danielle Steel…”
…yeah. Been there. Suffered that. Eaten all the T shirts in frustration.
Alma–{Virtual hug} So sorry your mom was so clueless. It’s amazing how often I hear similar stories. Lots of writers eating T-shirts 🙂 Love that image! But we write anyway. Because that’s who we are.
In my dotage I’ve learned not to rely on others. It leads to a rather solitary life, but I’m fine with that. It’s odd that I’ve found more support from strangers on the internet than from friends and family. It’s also funny that most think it’s “nice” that I’ve taken up writing in my later years, comparing it to knitting or needlepoint. I write because I love it, and that’s all that counts.
Brenda–Isn’t maturity grand? I’ve got to the point in my own life where I no longer have Fear of Missing Out, but instead have Fear of Not Enough Alone Time. I’m grateful not to have any big July 4th events this weekend, so I have a whole three days to try to untangle the plot mess I’ve made of my WIP.
An important post, Anne. It makes me realize how incredibly fortunate I’ve been to find a supportive writing community where we all celebrate each other’s successes and dry each other’s tears over setbacks. Occasionally, a little green-eyed monster pops his head up but that’s surprisingly rare.
“Writers are magnets for these people because we tend to be good listeners.”
How true that is! People who do trouble-dumps on me provide great ideas for conflict and turmoil in my stories, as long as I don’t get tangled up with them personally. When their fangs aim for my neck, I suddenly remember an important appointment and run away…fast!
BTW, love the term Groucho Marxist.
Debbie–I suppose we partly bring the trouble-dumps (great phrase!) on ourselves because we’re genuinely interested in stories. But as you say, some trouble-dumpers are emotional vampires who can destroy not only our writing careers but our health and well-being. Sometimes people need to be surgically removed from our lives.
Great post, Anne. Writing definitely serves up lots of opportunities to practice healthy boundaries and fierce self-care. I feel very lucky to have found a great circle of writing friends. And my dog is totally fine with my writing–as long as I take the correct numbers of breaks for walks and play time. 🙂
Christine–Good point: if you want a friend who will always be supportive, get a dog. 🙂 Otherwise, maintain healthy boundaries.
Wow, I really coulda used this post about 20 years ago. I thought it was just me, just my writing, just my family. Thing is, once you get a few reviews from strangers – people who don’t love you – it means everything in the world. They aren’t just trying to be nice, mean, vindictive, or any other motive for writing reviews (well, most of them, but that’s a completely different subject). 🙂
JoAnn–It’s true! An unsolicited rave review from a stranger is the best reward a writer can get. No baggage or hidden agendas–just a satisfied reader.
Anne, your post reminds me of why most of my friends now are fellow writers. I’ve gradually dropped those old friends who don’t support me as a writer. Looking back, I now realize that they weren’t really friends at all. Because friends should support each other in their dreams. I was lucky that my late husband was a huge supporter. But oh, the joy of having fellow writers in your life! I can’t repeat that enough, and you have said it all so well.
Melodie–I’ve found that too. I recently looked back at friends who have faded from my life and realized they all had one thing in common. They weren’t supportive when I was struggling to establish my career. They ignored my work or were openly hostile about it. You were lucky to have such a supportive spouse, but we all need writer friends, too.
Great post, Anne. I need it. Usually I enjoy writing so much that I simply don’t care about being ignored by all except those who in writers’ groups I frequented (more or less). I tend to get significant praise from those folks. But lately it’s been bothering me that friends and family don’t seem interested in my stuff, even when it’s published (ie, self-).
My first spouse was a painter, who had no interest in my writing, though she craved my critiques of her work. I was 90+% supportive, and she deserved it. But she had no interest in reading my short stories and novels. Actually, she didn’t read anything, even road signs. I hope she has survived.
My second spouse is a fine musician and a hard-working sociologists. I read and critique her articles and books, which she seems to greatly appreciate. She’s never read anything of mine, just wants me to read chapters to her, during which she almost invariably falls asleep. I’ve been tempted over the 20+ years to look for a third wife, but I don’t want to strike out; besides other things are good with us.
I’m at an age when my rhino-hide is wearing thin. So I guess my way to resolve this is just to return to enjoying the writing and cease thinking about the other stuff. What say you?
Steve–Great to hear from you! No, don’t look for a third wife. I think the fact she falls asleep when you read is sweet. It’s like you’re reading a favorite bedtime story and your work makes her feel relaxed and safe.
Love the line about the wife who didn’t read anything–including road signs. 🙂 I had a spouse like that. Always thought road signs were for somebody else. He claimed fiction was a waste of time and said he preferred nonfiction. But he couldn’t even read the morning paper.
I’m selective about who I share my writing dreams with and this post has confirmed that I’ve made the right move.
Naomi–I agree. Only share with people who are capable of supporting your dreams.
Hi Anne, I have a few people in my life who support me. One of them is you. Thanks for this post. I’ve have formed a strong hide over the years. NOTHING will stop me from writing. Beth
Beth–That’s what we all have in common. We’ll keep writing no matter what anybody says. But still, we’d like them to say nice things.
.Great article, Anne. This line resonates for me “the people who really care about you will eventually learn to treat your work with respect even if they don’t care to read it”. We need to distinguish between those who genuinely love us but not our words and the passive-aggressive types who are terrified of the envy we evoke in them. Some of the latter masquerade as the former. I’ve cut them out of my life.
Anne–Sorry your comment went to spam. I have no idea why. You don’t have any links or a dodgy email address. The ways of the spam elves are mysterious.
You are so right that we can’t always tell the good friends who just don’t care to read us from the frenemies who can sabotage our careers. We need to actively cut the latter from our lives.
No worries, yours isn’t the only site where the elves don’t like me. As long as my comment can be rescued, it’s fine.
In a strange way, I was pleased by this post. From what I’ve read online from other authors it seemed that everyone had the support of family except me.
Neither my husband nor my children have ever read any of my books. They don’t even ask about them. My husband thinks of my writing as a hobby. (I’m retired, so I don’t need a ‘real’ job.) The result of this is that he thinks I should be available to do other things, or respond to his questions while writing.
He has never read any of my books. Mind you, he doesn’t read fiction anyway. He has a strange idea that ‘anything can happen in fiction’ whether or not it makes sense! I can’t get him to see that’s untrue.
I have some friends who ask about my writing, but they are those I see rarely. One old school friend has read several of my books, but as I only ‘speak’ to her on Facebook, I get little feedback. None of my other friends mention anything about my books.
I have many online writer friends who keep me sane.
Vivienne–I think online writer friends are what keep most of us going. I was surprised too, when I saw how many writers get no support at home. It does help to know it pretty much goes with the territory.
It’s amazing how many men won’t read fiction. I’m not sure why that is, but certainly an awful lot of men I know feel they only have time for nonfiction. They say it’s because they want to “learn something.” As if fiction doesn’t have plenty of insight and life lessons.
I’ve read fiction since I learned to read (about 65 years, now) and I can assure all those misguided men that they can learn much more from fiction than non-fiction. Sure, they might not learn details of a former senator’s childhood, but they’ll learn lots about science, metallurgy, astronomy, physics, horticulture, etc. Heck, reading Michael Crichton’s fiction alone will expose them to facts about viruses, paleontology, nanotechnology, computer science, and basic medical facts.
Plus insights and life lessons.
Sobering blog. I suspect this may have something to do with one of the 7 deadly sins–Envy. You know me–one book, nothing to crow about so I was surprised to encounter a few strange (no pun intended) things when it was published. One relative would not accept the book saying, “Sorry, I’ve not walked the Camino.” Another began group texting other relatives about other books relating to the Camino (but no mention of my book). BTW, these are both very creative people. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed by those who support and love me (book or not)–shortly before he died my father sent me a greeting card saying he was very proud of me for writing a book and calling me his “author son.” And a ‘West Wing’ actor once said he thought the book was “special.” I will often default to that feedback when I sense any type of negativity.
Kenneth–Oh, my. Sending around recommendations for rival books. That’s low. I don’t much like it when friends and relatives recommend other comedy-mystery writers to me, but to the whole family–that might get a prize.
But hearing such wonderful praise from your dad, and “President Bartlett”–that makes up for a lot of clueless (and yes, envious) relatives.
Great post, Anne. This really does make me feel less alone. No one in my immediate family reads my books but they don’t read books period! So, I’ve learned not to expect them to read mine either. I do think it’s kinda mean and rude and I say so. They just laugh and support me in the sense that they know when I’m writing and when I’m editing, so they know I “do” write books. My 2 sisters are 100% supportive and read all my books and love them. And as JoAnn said, reviews make me feel happy because those people don’t want anything but to tell me their feelings about my work. That means something.
One of my close relatives read one of my books and said it wasn’t really the type of book she likes. Even though she and I read the same genres. Go figure! RUDE!
Patricia–I think we need to cherish the people like your sisters who do support you 100% and wear some psychic armor around the rest I have no idea why they find it so hard to find something to like about our books, but they never will. 🙁
Fantastic post. I wrote a blog last month that addresses this in part.
“Even though every knowledgeable person tells you that your friends and family aren’t going to be your best readers, most of us don’t listen. ‘I’m different. My book is different. My family and friends are different!’
“They aren’t.”
Thanks for all you do.
Mike–Great to see you here! Yeah, you put it very well. They aren’t. Just aren’t. And we can’t change them.
Oh, yeah. From my ex who couldn’t stand the thought that a story meant more to him to family members who think I should reconsider the genre I write in
Traci–Suggestions we change genres seems to be a common theme here. Certainly people have told me I should write in this or that genre if I ever want to make money. I try to tell them you can’t write what you don’t read, but they don’t hear it.
One of my writing friends was thrilled to win an award so she could show her mother – a mother who kept telling her her books were terrible. She says that now, when her mom starts being negative, she points to her award and the conversation stops. Not supportive, but it’s something.
Kate–Awards should sway the Debbie Downers but often they don’t. Of course an award may also work as a handy weapon. 🙂
Wow, this is shocking. I had no idea this was a normal thing for writers to face from family and friends…although I’ve certainly faced it myself. I’m a writer who needs to keep to a routine in order keep up momentum and to stay focused. I’ve been accused of being unflexible and unsocial (I am neither) when I’m just trying to get my job done, the same as everyone else.
I now say: “I’ve got to go to work ” instead of “I’ve got to write.” It seems to be more accepted by more people. I don’t offer any further explanation. I also fight back when I need to and have learned to say ‘no’ to unwanted interruptions with a lot less guilt then I used to feel. There’s something to be said about getting older! ????
Linda–I was surprised too. That informal Facebook poll really brought it home: non supportive friends and family are normal. If you have somebody in your corner, cheering you on, cherish them. You’re one of the lucky ones.
Great post. I now feel less alone. I’m retired but would go mad after a career in writing just having coffee and gossiping. I have to write or I go into a decline. People here think I’m a dilettanti who pretends to write and that’s after earning a living that way and being trad published in the past. Cos I’m indie I’m not a proper writer and even my book group only look at books recommended in the Sunday papers. At one time I had to get a friend on board to persuade the DH to stop nagging me to stop this nonsense as it was taking me away from him. “You are in the same room, but you are not here.” It helped when we flew to the US to get an award but no one ever askes me about my books. All my friends are now other writers on line.
Lucinda–I’m glad this post helped. I wish I’d known earlier in my career that this general indifference comes with the territory. As far as partners who feel entitled to take your writing time, it’s funny how they don’t mind if you spend that time at an office job or working for a charity. What bothers them is they can see you not paying attention to them. Maybe establishing a room or a closet or a she-shed as your “work space” might help.
Great post, Anne. I just joined SLO Nightwriters. I’m in San Diego so it will be as a distant member and my first joining a group. I’m retired and finished a debut book that’s in the self-publishing process. Not for the faint hearted. Historical fiction is a hard sell to agents/publishers from an unknown author. So, support from friends & family. A lot of them say they want to read the book. And they will. I was fortunate to have sons & a daughter-in-law who hands-on helped. A historian, an avid historical fiction reader and a marketing mogul. They think of me as a writer. Maybe because I treat writing as a second career after being a nurse practitioner. Like I already accomplished something in my life. And I’m in my 80s, still going strong. The matriarch better be supported with whatever she does right? I like you writing style and will check out your books. ???????? Christine
Christine–SLO Nightwriters is a great organization. Right now they have Zoom meetings, so you can participate virtually. There are some good organizations in San Diego too. I know RWA has a number of chapters. Not all historical novels are romances of course, but it’s a great organization for networking. Congrats on embracing writing as your second career!
Thank you, Anne. ????????
Your advice is excellent. If there are people in your life who don’t understand why you write, and try to ruin it for you, they are not people you want to keep around you.
My sister has a friend who found out I was writing books. He’s very successful at what he does and thought that writing was a waste of time. He said most writer’s don’t make money doing it. I, quite literally, laughed when I looked at him and said, “I write because I can’t not write.” When I explained that I did it for the love of writing and not to make a fortune, he didn’t know what to say.
Other than that one Grinch that tried to steal BookMass, I’ve been quite blessed.
My sister helped me edit my first book, even though she hates editing. My family buys a copy of every book I publish. My best friend helps me by checking spelling and grammar. We take turns reading a chapter out loud so that I can hear how it sounds — the best way to make changes that are needed. After all, some day I might be able to afford to have it as an audio book. ????
Florida–It’s great that you’ve been able to enlist your family as beta readers and critiquers. You definitely want to read your book out loud, whether or not it will some day be an audiobook. It’s a great way to catch glitches, repetitions and wooden dialogue. This is one of the most useful aspects of a critique group.
Your “Grinch” friend didn’t understand the creative mind. A nice comeback might have been “I don’t lead a greed-based life.” 🙂
Sometimes the best comeback is one that doesn’t include the other person’s failings — though I have to admit that I often throw zingers out at people. This guy has helped my sister in a multitude of ways, so I was easy on him. ????
Fabulous article Anne. I felt like you wrote it for me, lol. You had me at the title. 🙂 What is it with writers and friends that don’t read? I remember the lack of enthusiasm from my family, and I wound up doing a family ‘housecleaning’ in time anyway. I can honestly say, online friendships with other writers, and groups and community are a godsend for us all. 🙂 x
Debby–The ones that don’t read are disappointing enough, but what’s worse is the ones who do–and read your genre. But won’t read you. I have a cousin who actually asked me to recommend a “good, fun mystery”. I started wo say, well, um, I happen to have written ten of them…” and she just turned away. Otherwise a very kind person. It’s hard to fathom. Without online writer friends, I’m not sure how we’d cope.
Sometimes I think it’s embarrassment in case they didn’t like them.
I can’t say that I’ve had this experience, but I have had people who said they would be glad to read my work and didn’t follow through. It occurred to me that maybe they just didn’t think it was any good and we’re afraid to hurt my feelings, but that wasn’t the case. I’ve decided it’s not fair to ask friends as that puts them in an awkward position. I don’t understand it though. If I tell someone I’m going to do something, I follow through on that promise.
Pete–I suppose people may intend to read our books, but a mysterious barrier keeps them from doing so. That barrier might be a fear that the book won’t be any good. Or maybe fear that it will. In other words, either envy or Groucho Marxism seems to keep them from following through.
What a great post, Anne!. Congratulations! (From a writer…) It is rather strange how some folk ‘glaze over’ if you tell them you’re a writer. A few folk in the past have asked, after being introduced: “What do you do?” And their look on being told – at times – can be anything from incredulous to dismissive; mostly the latter. Even my middle brother, bless him, – I have had nine books published – said, on reading some of my blogs and books recently: “You’re a bloomin’ good writer, you know!” That was honey to my ears, but and not many of my other relatives have said much….Genuine compliments do give encouragement as it took many years to feel even comfortable saying that I wrote books now and then. I really appreciative my ‘on line’ friends – of which there are many – and nearly all are most helpful. You must have heard Sally Cronin’s name mentioned more than once. She’s ace at encouraging and giving you her time and publicity…Cheers!.
Joy–Sally Cronin is a treasure, isn’t she? Her reviews and spotlights are a boon to all writers and readers. I was so happy when she featured my Author Blog book. She has established a supportive, safe community for authors.
Those bits of praise from family and friends are so encouraging, especially since they’re usually rare.
Oh gosh! I thought I was the only one whose family ignored me and whose brother did nothing but put downs, ably assisted by his wife. My nieces are more interested though, now they’ve realised I do mean it. As for friends… well, I finally dumped the poisonous one. But then I discovered others who tried and liked – and bought!
Jemima–Not only are you not the only one, you’re typical–as you’ll see from the comments here. And I think we all have had to get rid of a “poisonous” friend in order to get our careers going. But that makes people like your nieces and reading friends even more wonderful.
Loving empathy and support weaving through your post, Anne. Thank you. <3
Jane–I did write this to support all those authors who don’t know this negativity comes with the job description. All those FB people who answered the poll–I wanted to tell them it’s okay and we have each other. I decided to do it here on my blog rather than ramble too long in a FB comment.
Great article, Anne. I am sure that a lot of it resonates with many writers, including me.
Even when I think that I have finally found the time and space, as soon as I get my mind into gear and I have written the first few words of the first sentence, I get, “I know that you’re busy, but when you have time, could you . . . ?”
Little does the speaker realise that she has just blown my creativity engine to pieces and that it is going to take me half an hour to put it back together.
Lance–Those people who think they can interrupt us “for just a minute” and we can go right back where we were have never tried to write. I wish there were a way to show them how hard it is to get into “the zone” where the words flow–and how destructive it is to interrupt that flow. But alas, they may never get it.
It takes a writer to understand.
Thanks. Your response was my soothing therapy.
Anne, great post! Loved it. When I published my first book and got the author’s copies I ran to my best friend to show her the book I was so excited and happy. She turned her nose up and said, “Oh that is NOTHING! I’ve already written three books, they are just still in my head.” ( I am not joking) My blood ran cold I don’t remember being able to breath and I quietly put the paperback back in my purse. I don’t think I was this shocked when my first husband laughed in my face when I told him he could either get help with his addiction or we were getting divorced! This was such a huge slap in the face! However- I laugh about it now and no ma’am we are no longer BFF’s! Don’t need that toxicity in my life. My biggest fan now happens to be my daughter! She is crafting her first novel at the tender age of 18 and it’s GOOD! I can’t wait for her to get it all on paper so I can help her navigate publishing and cheer her on!
Alan– “I’ve written 3 books in my head.” That says it all. Your former BFF was expressing an almost comical case of envy. Usually they say. “I’d write a book too, if I only had the time.” I think the key to all this is the old saying that everybody has a novel in them. Everybody THINKS they have a novel in them. But most of them can’t actually, you know, write. So when you write an actual real-world book, it triggers some toxic envy. Congrats on having an offspring who likes your work–and is actually writing that novel she has in her instead of stewing in envy.
This is really sad–my husband is a huge supporter of mine, and I try to be an encourager to other people (in writing and in life generally). Just…wow. I’m all about lifting people up in healthy ways, and encouraging each other to improve in writing, etc. Lots to think about…
Peregrine–What a fabulous name! I’ve been watching the Modern Miss Fisher Mysteries about Peregrine Fisher. 🙂 We judge other people by ourselves, which means if we’re supportive, we assume other people will be too. But turns out we’re often wrong. Alas.
Thank you! Here’s to wishing we all get the support we so deeply need.
Great article, Anne. I am sure that a lot of it resonates with many writers, including me.
Dam–I’m glad you find it useful!
I’ve been lucky for the most part. Those friends and family who actually know about my writing–I’m as yet unpublished–are either supportive or indifferent, which I can handle.
There’s only been one actively UNsupportive acquaintance. But he is a Crazymaker Poinsonous Playmate in all respects. When I have refused his attempts at a romantic or sexual relationship, he dumps a load of BS on anything he thinks will hurt–going so far as to tell me the way I live my life (not dating, staying home) is WRONG.
His last attempt was a shot at my writing. Now, to my knowledge he’s never read ANY of my work though I did tell him some things when I still thought he was a friend.
He took one incident I had told him about, dumped a dumptruck load of manure on top to support his negative opinion that my writing was ‘just too unrealistic”. It went in one ear and out the other. Anyone who’s stupid enough to make up a bunch of things like that is not someone I’ll take serious. Besides, joke’s on him. The incident happened ‘off camera’, being a part of a character’s history to support her attitudes and decisions in the present.
But other friends, including one who is a published author herself, have been very supportive and encouraging. So I ignore the negative, embrace the positive, and just keep on writing.
Thanks for the post, it’s another positive feather in my support repertoire and I will be trying some of your suggestions.
Gina–Sometimes I think writing helps weed out the really toxic people in our lives. Your “friend” sounds like a malignant narcissist. Anything that’s not about you actively worshiping him is “wrong.” I’ve known a few. It wasn’t until I started limiting my social time so I could write that I saw them for their nasty, negative selves. Good riddance.
It’s wonderful you have published authors to help you along the way. They’re the ones who can make all the difference.
I had to smile at your description of crazymakers. I had an ex who never read any of my books while we were married (though he wrote some negative reviews after the divorce, still without having read the books). He went to great lengths to interrupt my writing flow several times a day. He was used to being the centre of attention and especially didn’t like it when my first books started getting traditionally published.
Family and friends still seem rather reluctant. I get the impression that they don’t want to be put in a position where they have to give an opinion, in case it turns out to be less than stellar.
Jaq–He sounds like a classic crazymaker. They tend to be narcissists who can’t stand it when your attention is on anything but them. But I think you’re absolutely right that a lot of people who won’t read your work are simply afraid they won’t like it. They don’t want to have to lie, so they just don’t put themselves in that position.
I’m late to responding, but your blog spoke to me. After decades in business and in higher education, I am pursuing my dream to write fiction just for fun. I’ve been shocked and disappointed in the lack of support. Those closest to me don’t actively support my work because they don’t think of me as a fiction writer (though they do know I’m a good general writer). I did not understand why until I read your post. One friend who read my first three chapters said, “I don’t think of you as an F-bomber who writes sex scenes.” That made me laugh, as people like to put you in a box and don’t want to see another side of you.
I wonder if I would have received the same response if I had pursued another creative hobby?
I’ve actually received more support from those who don’t know me as well or from other writers and critique partners who understand the journey. It was a tough lesson to learn, but maybe I should keep my writing to myself.
Thanks so much for speaking for us!
Susan–I used to ask myself that question “Would friends be more supportive if I were making jewelry or painting?” I think they would have been. I think it’s all about that “novel everybody has in them.” They think they could be writers too, if they “just had the time.” Thank goodness for our fellow writers (the ones who actually write.) That’s where we get our strongest support.
Reading through this gave me a little more self-confidence with my craft. My husband’s a horrible supporter with most of my endeavors. Yeah, he reminds me not to give up on my craft, but also cower behind his live streaming income and additional stats (money stats) to put my beginner journey in the mud.
I’m trying not to let that burn me, but I don’t know what else I can do except keep this under serious lock and key and never show him my work. Hell, I write and draw everything of mine, but if it’s not pictures, he’ll remind me “people don’t read books anymore, they favor audio books or videos”. *sits in a corner*
But, thank you very much for writing this. Reading this is helping me through these challenging time (not Covid but being a stay at home mom that’s tired of freelancing on content mill sites, have three toddlers and a baby, and stuck in one hotel room since our home caught fire in January). All I can say is thank you… so thank you ^__^
Eternity–My heart goes out to you! Negativity is slow poison, and your partner is, unfortunately poisoning the artist in you. But here are some things to think about 1) Books have been having some of their most successful sales in memory. Not just audiobooks. 2) You want to create art, not get paid pennies to create useless words. You’re not a starving single mom wanting to buy her next packet of ramen. 3) Creating art isn’t about money. You say he has enough. Then let him rest on his money like Scrooge McDuck. You are doing something that expands your horizons as a human and helps you connect with other people as well as cope with the disasters you’ve been hit with. And someday, that art may make a chunk of change.
Your husband sounds as if he sees no value in living except to make money. That’s his tragedy, not yours. Start writing some true, heartfelt creative nonfiction essays about what it’s like to be a mother of four young children in a one-room rental after losing everything in a fire. Wow. Do you have some grit! Look for magazines that take creative nonfiction. (Try Subscribing to Authors Publish, who have lists of great places to send your stuff.) Don’t tell hubby. If you get an acceptance, you know he’ll ask how much money they pay. Ignore him. Whether you get $2000 or $20, you will know you are a good writer. You can then validate yourself from within, and you don’t need his approval.
And even if you don’t sell your first essays or win any contests, you’ll know you wrote those pieces. You put your creative self into them and you finished them. The artist who did that can thumb her nose at all critics who’ve never written a word.
Writing a book somehow disrupts the dynamic of a person’s relationship, whether with a relative or a friend…And it’s something writers have to learn to live with which this article really helps me in doing…My closest friend (once/still an aspiring writer himself?) has really struggled, it seems, to come to terms with me having a book published and it being well received. I listen patiently to him talking about his every activity, however banal. But if I mention my book to him and the presentations I’ve had, the good feedback etc. he just blanks over…And I don’t want to dislike him for it. He can’t help it; he’s a good human being, like many of the rather ungenerous people described above. Thank you for reminding me of the fact, Anna.
Jonathan–It’s tough to stay friends with people who don’t support your career. But unfortunately the majority don’t. Sometimes you have to put distance between people who endlessly talk about themselves and show no interest in you–even if they are essentially good human beings. Somebody can be a good person but a bad friend. I had a friend like that who took two hours out of every day dumping every detail of her life on me over the phone, but she’d talk over me if I said a word about myself. Finally I had to get my time back and asked her to put her daily information in an email. I never heard from her again. But a couple of years later I saw her on LinkedIn and she’d put as her occupation “writer.” I knew she had recently retired, and I guess she thought she was going to write. It explained her behavior so clearly. She envied me so much, she couldn’t hear anything I had to say. Envy can make people behave badly. (And no, she never published a word. That was nearly 10 years ago.)
I absolutely love and can relate to this blog! Since I came out of the closet to acknowledge being a writer, I have received some “strange” (no pun intended) reactions from a few friends and relatives. It could be they’re not able to relate to “writing” but I think some of it might be jealousy. I’d like to share these two reactions with you and your audience:
1) These are the not so ‘warm and cuddly’ people in your life. When you inform them about your new passion or second career, they come back with a snarky, “So what are your sales?” They never ask about the book itself or even default to, “That’s great” or “I’ll have to check it out.” Lately, my comeback to these people has been, “I’m not sure at the moment, but I’m not so concerned with sales. I’m leaving a legacy for my children and grandchildren.” Watch their reaction (or lack of).
2) Surprisingly, this was from a relative.
ME: You should read my book. It’s about a pilgrimage we did in Spain.
RELATIVE: Why should I? I haven’t made this pilgrimage.
The relative then went on to do the pilgrimage. I circled back when he/she returned.
ME: Now that you’ve done the pilgrimage, you’ll have to read my book.
RELATIVE: Why should I? I’ve already done the pilgrimage.
Say no more.
Ken–Talk about dream-smashers! “How are your sales?” is such a rude question. If our books are bestsellers, we’ll usually say so. But a book doesn’t have to be a bestseller to be worthy of acknowledgement. Funny how when a friend says he made a hole-in-one in golf, nobody asks if he made money on it. And oh, my–that relative sounds like a complete moron. He’s planning to walk the Camino, and doesn’t read what his own relative has to say about walking the Camino? You’d think he’d read it just for the practical information. And afterward, you’d think they’d want to compare experiences.