by Melodie Campbell
I’m a crime writer. Hell, I’ll put on my other hat (the one with the pointy top) and say it. I’ve also been a fantasy writer (same pen name, different genre.)
So I know about suspension of disbelief. I’m willing to admit that as an audience, we might agree to ‘suspend belief’ for a little while, at least while reading fantasy.
But cop shows? Enough is enough. Television, you go too far. I did a little poll of crime writer friends and former cops to come up with a few pet peeves. CSI Hoboken, or wherever you are, take note.
Here are some things that drive otherwise fairly normal crime writers (oxymoron alert) crazy:
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Crime scene people in high heels and raw cleavage.
Of all the !@#$%^&* things that television distorts, this is the one that bugs us the most. Ever been on a crime scene? Ever been in a LAB?
For six years, I was Director of Marketing for the Canadian Society of Medical Laboratory Science. I’ve been in a friggin’ lab or two. Take it from me: it ain’t a place for date-night shoes, down-to-there cleavage, and long loose hair. You want my DNA messing with your crime results?
Network producers, stop treating us like ignorant adolescents who need to be sexually charged every single moment. Stop. Just stop. It’s insulting
And on that note:
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Jurors and attorneys and/or the defendant flirt.
I hate this. Not only is it usually abominably sexist (female with gravity-defying cleavage and no brain, because honestly, trying it on during a trial with a full audience of lawyers, cops and jurors doesn’t seem a tad obvious?) but a real judge will toss you out on your keister so fast you’ll dislodge those implants.
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Crime scene techs that do the stuff detectives should be doing.
I know a few cops. As a crime writer, I depend on them to give me the real dirt on how things are done. Turnabout, they can be pretty keen to tell me when writers get things wrong. And believe me, they become somewhat cantankerous about shows where the techs do all the solving and the detectives are sort of window dressing. Especially when the producers don’t even spring for a full dress (note cleavage above.)
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Attorneys (defense or prosecution) who yell at judges about how unfair they are.
THIS NEVER EVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. Mainly, because it’s a really good way to get to spend the night in jail. Secondly, because you’re gonna have to work with that judge again, and that judge will never forget it.
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Loose evidence lying around the courtroom and/or the clerk of court’s office where anyone can stop and get a look at it.
Ditto, evidence that gets swiped from the police station, by someone other than police. Because, ya know, they just let anyone walk all over the place unescorted. Especially above females with gravity-defying cleavage. (Like she wouldn’t have an entourage…)
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Gunshot victims who give their last speech and then die, Kerplunk.
Full disclosure: I was also a hospital director at an inner-city site, with an emerg room that could have been plucked from The Sopranos. People who get hit with a bullet to the heart die, kerplunk. They aren’t hanging around to give their last words. People who get hit in the gut may take several hours to die. It’s not a pretty sight. Take it from me: in the end, they aren’t usually thinking sentimental thoughts.
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Cops that can’t hit a barn door
Okay, this is hands down the pet peeve of every cop I know. Bad guy is cornered, running away, twenty cops firing at him, and not a single bullet scratches the guy. Everybody’s firing pistols like Yosemite Sam in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
Not sure how they do things in the States (I’m in Canada,) but my late husband was the chief engineer on the design of a major police/fire training facility up here in Toronto five years ago. It had state of the art rifle range, plus a simulation building for shootout and bomb squad training.
Our guys and gals know how to hit what they aim at. Enough with the Keystone Cops.
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Heroes that land on their feet and keep running after jumping from a 4-story building.
Listen. I defy you to jump six feet down from a backyard deck without saying Ouch! (or reasonable facsimile) and rolling in agony. Try it sometime. I did last summer.
My personal favourite:
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Where’s the blood spatter?
If you stab someone while they are still living and breathing, there is going to be blood spatter. Usually, that spatter will go all over the stabber. So sorry, producers: your bad guy is not going to walk away immaculate from a crime scene in which he just offed somebody with a steak knife. You won’t need Lassie to find him in a crowd, believe me.
Finally:
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Villains who do their ‘Fat Lady Sings’ pontification.
Why does every villain in TV-town delay killing the good guy so he can tell the soon-to-be-dead schmuck his life story? Or vice versa. I mean, the schmuck is going to be offed in two minutes, right? You’re going to plug him. So why is it important that he know why you hate your mother and the universe in general?
Someday, I am going to write a book/script where a guy gets cornered and before he can say a word, this happens:
<INT. A dark warehouse or some other cliché. >
BLAM.
The smoking gun fell to my side as Snidely dropped to the floor.
“Dudley!” gasped Nell. “You didn’t give him a chance to explain!”
I yawned. “Bor-ing. All these villains go to the same school. You heard one, you’ve heard them all.”
“Isn’t that against the law?” said Nell, stomping her little foot. “Don’t you have to let the bad guy have his final scene?”
BLAM.
The smoking gun fell to my side as Nell dropped to the floor.
by Melodie Campbell (@MelodieCampbell) May 14, 2023
What about you, scriveners? Have some pet peeves with TV crime writers? Do you like your crime fiction gritty and realistic, or bloodless? Do you know any people who actually wear stiletto heels to work in a lab or police station?
About Melodie Campbell
Melodie Campbell writes capers, heists and mysteries for unsuspecting publishers, who even pay her. Winner of ten awards (she didn’t even steal them) Melodie has 17 books and over 60 short stories, but she got her start writing stand-up. You can catch more of her comedy on www.melodiecampbell.com, or better still, buy her books.
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Amen to point #10 — Villainous pontification makes me nuts, but it seems to be a trope somebody thinks is necessary.
Melodie—Thanks for a great post! I wouldn’t be surprised if the va-va-voom babes with cleavage down-to-here comes from the old pulp paperback covers which featured … you know… va-va-voom babes with cleavage down-to-here?
grin – Ruth, ain’t it the truth! And now, they are simply making the law-enforcers va-va-voom, as well as the old victims and suspects of the old days!
CS, I’m checking my own work to make sure I don’t violate the above pet peeves! Thanks for commenting.
Haven’t watched television since 2019, so I can’t offer my opinion there, but when I did, I long ago learned how to accept everything shown on the small screen is 50 shades of creative fiction. But, I do have a tendency to like my crime fiction firmly anchored in reality, which was the main reason I got so hooked in the Alphabet mysteries of Sue Grafton, and to a lesser degree, period crime series (e.g. post WWI, Medieval, and Victorian). Being anchored in the reality of the given time period allows me to enjoy the book more thoroughly than if I had to read a book or watch a show not anchored in reality.
GB, what an interesting comment! My latest book is my first historical mystery – takes place in 1928. The research I did, or more correctly *had* to do, caused the book to be anchored in reality, that’s for sure. Maybe that’s why I liked it so much in the end. Time will tell if readers think the same. Thanks for Commenting!
Yep, all of these, particularly #1 and #10.
Thanks for commenting, Liz!
I’ve read a fair number of police-leaning mysteries and procedurals and certainly you’ve hit on a great list. Not counting the campy stuff–right, any genre, sometimes you’re TRYING to make people laugh.
My peeve list around fantasy would have to start with “Poof, it Just Works”. Because the writer needs magic stuff to happen, but can’t be bothered to figure out how it gets there.
Will, my first novels were a fantasy trilogy! I worked hard to build a world with magic that had rules. And it was interesting, having to live within the confines of those earlier established rules, in future books! Thanks for this thoughtful comment.
I knew most of those were BS. Cops are excellent shots – it’s part of their job. They do miss, but the bad guy is not going to take down a dozen cops who are all shooting at him.
Thanks for commenting, Alex!
Terrific post Melodie. I’m a former FBI agent, law enforcement officer and PI. I always smile to see our heroes solve the case in less than an hour (including commercial breaks). You and I both know many of these investigations take weeks, months and even years to solve…if they can be solved. I always bring along my ‘leap of faith.’
Smile – yes, I should have mentioned the time issue! DNA results getting back in a few hours…(I’ve been in the forensic labs here, as part of my job) How good to hear your take, Kenneth. I bet I could – we all could – learn a lot from you.
You’re welcome, Melodie!
Melodie, you had me at GRAVITY-DEFYING CLEAVAGE. I’d like to buy you a drink sometime, somewhere. Thanks for making me laugh!
As a gal who loses her Ds in her armpits when she lies down, I’d like to take you up on that!
Points well made! The one about the knives really gets me. I understand it’s TV, but even in movies I’m tired of scenes where someone gets a knife to the gut and they instantly die. Like they’re an inflatable doll (well, okay, some parts might be inflated, but not there). I once read a doctor saying, “If you want to find the guy who just killed someone with a knife, look for a guy out of breath and covered in blood.”
Also, another peeve is when the cops find a bag of some mysterious powder and immediately sample it with their fingertip and go, “Yep, it’s heroin.” (eye-roll emoji)
My pet peeve is how the cops waste so much time interrogating (and tormenting) innocent people while the bad guy carries on with his killing spree. I can’t believe real cops are that inept.
I gave up watching cop shows a long time ago because they all seemed to follow the same pattern. Makes me wonder if they’re all written by AI.
LOVED this, especially the comment about the cops/detectives who can’t hit the broad side of a barn when shooting or conversely, hit everything and everyone they shoot at. I have to laugh@