by Anne R. Allen
In her 1990 book The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron warns creatives about crazymakers, the people who have no respect for your work and dominate your time with endless drama.
But crazymakers aren’t the only people who can hurt your chances of having a successful creative career. There are a lot of toxic people out there who can work against you as you try to get your ideas onto the page and create and publish your stories. They can make you feel guilty for taking time to write, and show no empathy when you’re hurt by rejections and nasty reviews, although they always expect empathy from you.
They can also discombobulate your life and rob you of your health. You may fear the loneliness of losing these “friends.” But remember you have your characters and creativity to keep you company as you heal and make room for new, better friends.
How Toxic People Can Make you Sick
Toxic people cause stress. And stress literally makes you sick.
Stress elevates blood pressure and suppresses your immune system, which leaves you open to all sorts of diseases, from the common cold to Covid. It causes acute gastrointestinal illnesses in many and exacerbates symptoms of most autoimmune diseases. It can give you migraines and cause depression.
It can also make you fat. Stress increases cortisol, which causes you to put on belly fat.
And stress can actually cause brain damage. Cortisol can damage the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain that allows us to focus and organize ideas.
Those crazymakers and other toxic people aren’t just causing damage to your literary dreams. They can actually kill you.
Toxic People Prey on “Good Listeners”
Writers are interested in what makes people tick. So our first instinct is to listen to somebody, rather than punch them in the face. (Also, we usually prefer conflict on the page, rather than in the real world.)
Unfortunately, toxic people single out “good listeners,” and use self-pity as a weapon.
I’ve been going through this myself. A door-to-door solicitor for a women’s shelter has been making my life hell. I made the mistake of listening to her troubles while I wrote a check. Then she started appearing monthly, getting more and more demanding.
At first, she asked for my books, which I figured would help at the shelter. But then she wanted purses, shoes, and last week, she demanded I give her a lamp while she filled her pockets with the contents of my fruit bowl.
I didn’t give her the lamp, but her shocking behavior immobilized me as she sauntered out with my week’s supply of fruit. The average 2-year old would behave better. But I know she’ll be back for more.
Unfortunately, I’m terrified of confrontation now that I’m in a wheelchair and can’t fight or flee. But I must fight. I did a bit of research, and there’s no shelter. I’ve been an idiot. She’s been scamming me all along. I need to lock her out and tell her the gravy train has left the station.
It’s what all writers need to do with the toxic people in our lives.
Here are ten types who can stall your career and threaten your health.
Ten Types of Toxic People
1) Pity Partiers
A well-know author told me early in my career that the most dangerous words a writer can hear are, “you are my only friend.” Those words mean you are being targeted by a perpetual victim who’s so in love with their own pain that they’ve driven away anybody who has ever been kind to them. They want to dominate your time, your physical space, and your mind. My “women’s shelter” scammer was manipulating me with her ongoing pity party.
These people are like sharks, constantly seeking out new prey. They can suck the energy out of any room in three seconds. They can’t be alone, so they demand you spend 24/7 listening to them whine. Often because they’ve been fired and evicted and need to live on your couch for a year or two. Oh, and they need money for beer…
2) Bad News Bears
These toxic people wallow in negativity, and want to make sure you do too. If you’re doing a happy dance because you got a request for a full manuscript from your dream agent, they’ll pull out their phone to show you a photo of atrocities in Ukraine. Get a great review on Amazon? They’ll tell you about oppressed women in Afghanistan. Have a great 5000-word writing day? You’ll hear about child slaves working 18-hour days in Chinese factories.
These people will never fail to bring down the mood and leave you feeling miserable and somehow guilty for everything.
3) Judge Judys
These people are good, righteous protectors of the environment, patriotism, social justice, and weird writing rules — and you’re not. They can be counted on to tell you that nobody’s reading that kind of book anymore and you should be writing about something worthwhile.
If they read anything you’ve written, they’ll clobber you with “rules.” They’ll say they’ve read you should write what you know — and um, how many dragons have you met? Plus, you should never use a preposition to end a sentence with or write the word “was.” And there’s an adverb on page 126!
4) Bugle Boys
They’re forever tooting their own horns and bragging about how much better they are at everything than you are. Usually, they’re tooting so loud they can’t hear a word you say.
They blabber constantly about their wondrous achievements and those of their “friends in high places.” You serve only one purpose in their lives: audience. And they can’t see your face over their imaginary footlights, so it’s hard for them to even pretend to care about you.
5) Voldemorts
These are the Trolls and the Mean Girls — people who thrive on other people’s pain. They’re the toxic people who write 100 one-star Goodreads reviews daily about books they’ve never read, just because they can.
You can count on them to say something cruel about your work, then blame you for whatever pain they’re causing you.
6) Pop-Psychos
They seem to care, and always ask empathetic questions about your life. But they squirrel away your personal data so they can weaponize it later with their “Dr. Phil” knowledge of psychology. They love to diagnose you with dire mental illnesses to prove you aren’t capable of taking care of yourself.
If you want some private writing time, it’s because you have Borderline disorder and you’re punishing the world for your parents’ divorce. If you’re feeling down after a rejection or bad review, it’s because you’re Bipolar — and you shouldn’t eat that chocolate because chocolate made you break out before your high school prom, remember?
7) Princesses
They’re entitled. To everything. Especially whatever you have. And they’ll whine until they get it. Being with them makes you feel battered and alone, because they don’t see or hear you. You’re just a generic servant or lady-in-waiting.
Speaking of waiting — these toxic people are always an hour late to meet you in a restaurant, then send everything back and make the server cry. They love to put you in positions where you have to spend money you can’t afford. And somehow, they always forget their wallet. And their credit cards are mysteriously denied. Princesses can be of any gender, but they have one thing in common — their scorn for people who are kind to them.
8) Gossip Girls
These people always know the worst about everybody in your life. They discuss their failings at length, urging you to drop all your friends. Meanwhile, they stalk you on social media and “like” the people who’ve been nasty to you.
When you’re working desperately to finish those edits, they’re on social media, dropping weird hints about what’s “wrong” with you, and spreading distorted versions of your worst moments and rejection woes.
By the time they’re finished, your friends are all sure you’re Satan incarnate and/or ready for the looney bin.
9) Control Freaks
These toxic people didn’t get the memo about the 13th Amendment. They want to own everybody in their orbit. Say a few kind words to them and you are their property. They demand to know what you’re doing every minute of your life and stage temper tantrums if you spend time with other friends.
They say they care about your writing, and ask to read each chapter as you finish the rough draft. But it’s only to find out what’s going on inside your head, where they feel they should reign supreme. They are sure your hero, the Duke, is really a stand-in for that flirty Dave in accounting, and the beautiful Lady Rosamond is really that barista they’re sure has a secret crush on you.
They’ll say your writing is embarrassingly awful, so they have to rewrite everything according to the writing rules they learned in third grade.
10) Crazymakers
These are the drama queens and agents of chaos that Julia Cameron wrote about. They always have to be center stage. Meanwhile, they stomp all over your boundaries and expect you to drop everything to cater to their needs.
They may have accidentally run over your foot with their car, but the only thing that matters is that they have a painful hangnail. Nothing that happens to you is of any interest, and you’re so selfish to mention your foot is broken and you need to go to the ER. They have a hangnail!!
So How Do We Deal with Toxic People?
Save yourself. Just go. Don’t try to reason with them or diagnose them at this point. If they are dominating your life and keeping you from your writing goals, first get them out of your life.
Make your escape. They can feel sorry for themselves without you, and they’ll always find new prey.
Okay, but what if they’re family members? A boss? Or, heaven forfend, a spouse?
This is when you have to build strong, firm psychological boundaries. That may take the help of a trained counsellor. You need to “Quiet Quit” them in your mind.
Trying to placate or change toxic people will only make things worse. Make a plan to channel all the energy you’ve been putting into pleasing them into your writing instead. Work hard at staying positive and being grateful for the good things in your life.
And you can always kill them off in your next book…
Remember you can’t help anybody if you’re dead, and these people are threatening your life.
by Anne R. Allen (@annerallen) September 18, 2022
***
What about you, scriveners? Have you ever dealt with toxic people like these? Are they still part of your life? If you got rid of them, how did you do it? Did you feel better afterward? Do you have any other toxic types to add to the list?
BOOK OF THE WEEK
No Place Like Home: Camilla Randall Comedy-Mystery #4
(But it can be read as a stand-alone)
Wealthy Doria Windsor is suddenly homeless and accused of a murder she didn’t commit. But Camilla, with the help of a brave trio of homeless people, the adorable Mr. X, and a little dog named Toto, is determined to unmask the real killer and discover the dark secrets of Doria’s deceased “financial wizard” husband before Doria is killed herself.
And NO PLACE LIKE HOME IS ALSO AN AUDIOBOOK!!
Nearly 8 hours of hilarious entertainment!
***
Featured image: Painting by Thomas Rowlandson, 1756-1827
Anne—Lethal but accurate. Thank you! My tormentor/energy sucker was a younger brother with unending dramas and demands. Writers MUST heed the warning signs and escape the clutches of these toxic characters you describe so accurately.
Ruth–What a nightmare! I think toxic people are most dangerous when they’re family. Most humans feel obligated to help family members no matter what the cost to ourselves. But at a certain point we have to realize that we can’t help anybody if we’re dead, and these people can be lethal to us.
Oy! I count myself lucky. Either most these sorts avoid me, or they try their shenanigans on me & I don’t notice. May everyone reading this be as fortunate.
CS–If you’re oblivious to their attempts at manipulation, most toxic people will simply move on. There’s always another victim who will be more responsive. That’s why one of the best ways to cut these people from your life is to refuse to react to the “shenanigans.”
Anne, a wonderful list of toxins, with your usual dose of tough love. So sorry for the scammer who passed herself off as helping a woman’s shelter. Taking advantage of your generous nature was plain wrong.
So many times we think of encountering toxic people in person but they leach their poison online, too. Writing buddies, critique groups, even professional marketers can be a toxic “type.” It’s amazing how cavalier and manipulative people can be online when they think they have a victim in sight, even if they don’t actually use that phraseology to themselves.
Due diligence and the mindset of being our own best advocate keeps them at arm’s length. It’s hard, especially if you were raised to be very polite or are a natural people pleaser. But essential for good mental and physical health.
Carmen–Great point! Not all dangerously toxic people are in “meatspace”. Online “friends” can be just as dangerous. I’ve heard horror stories about cruel critiquers and toxic beta readers. And when you hire somebody, like a marketer or editor, who ends up being toxic, you can be seriously hurt emotionally as well as financially.
I have been very lucky with the people I’ve met online, in my critique group and others, but there are those out there , I know.
Not so easy when it’s real people, though. Especially family. My family don’t read my books, and my spouse actually doesn’t like me writing. He’s not stopping me, though. I keep on in spite of him!
In all fairness, none of them behave in the toxic ways you describe. Ignoring the fact I write is what happens.
But I do have one old school friend who reads all my books as soon as they are published.
V. M. Those old school friends and other supporters help a lot, don’t they?
Anne, have you considered contacting the police? She’s committed fraud–acquiring goods under false pretenses. Or is that more conflict than you want to bother with? But I can savor the scene of you allowing her another “I want!” conversation, and then the police knock on the door…and just by chance her pitch has been recorded…
Like CS Perryess, I haven’t had to deal with almost any of these as a writer. As an in-law, yes. Some of my wife’s family could be that way. Fortunately, we moved away from them over twenty years ago and they can’t do all that over the phone.
Thank you again for an empathic post.
I second the idea of contacting the police Not so much for you as you’ve finally figured her out. But for the other people she is scamming. There’s no telling how many people she’s victimizing and that kind of behavior could escalate to much, much worse. So you’d be doing a favor not only for the police, but who knows how many other victims.
Fred–A neighbor did contact the sheriff about her, but they said they couldn’t do anything and suggested reporting to the DA’s office. But you need to have lost a lot of money for them to take on a case like this. She’s part of a big, statewide scam that the police know all about, but apparently they can’t do anything. You’re right that it’s much easier to manipulate people in person than over the phone.
You’re correct – you can’t change them because you can’t change crazy.
I used to work with someone on par wit a Bad News Bear. He found fault with everything. He’d criticize what you wrote, what you drew, whatever you drew. I kept wondering what would happen when he had kids and one brought him a badly colored picture…
Alex–You’re right that you can’t fix crazy. Sometimes we let them hang around because we can tell the bad behavior comes from mental illness. But if you’re not a trained mental health professional, you can do more harm than good–especially to yourself. That toxic Bad News guy sounds like he’s a Judge Judy, too. Judgmental people make terrible parents. I hope your “friend” never reproduces.
I’ve unfortunately had WAY too much experience with these kinds of people. It took quite a few years, but I finally got good at cutting anyone who clearly wasn’t good for me out of my life. And that includes relatives. I see absolutely no reason to spend time with people like that for any reason. Life is just too freaking short.
Kieran–Sometimes we have to “surgically” remove these people. It’s not easy. But it’s always worthwhile. As you say, life’s too short.
Thank you for this well-written, helpful article, Anne.
Oh, yes, I have meet and befriend toxic people.
As a newly declared author I was eager, hungry for support. So hungry that I shared my writing with the toxic. And my work suffer because of it.
It took me (too) many years to realize that the power was mine. I get to decide how much (and if) I share my work and with who.
What helped me was finding my target readers who kindly give me their support.
Leanne–You’re right that it’s all about personal power–and realizing we have it, even though somebody’s been taking it for years. New writers are so open and vulnerable. (And sometimes even old pros.) That’s why I wrote this. We usually have less “psychic armor” than most people, so it’s hard to protect our personal power.
OH Anne! You strike the nerve I believe all writers have… I call these folks passion eaters.
Case in point: I moved to K.C. a decade ago and right away incorporated my daily walks around the old lake down the street. This is how I clear my head, reconnect with ideas, etc. I do not want a companion walking with me. I do not want to talk.
Within the first week some old dude (I’m an old chick) forced a conversation. I politely stated I didn’t talk during my walks. He backed off. But this began a 2-year stalking process, with him ‘showing up’ while I walked, then brought his wife into the attack. They soon were dropping by my house (unannounced/uninvited), forcing a visit, usually when I was writing or editing.
After 2 years of trying to ‘give the hint’, they showed up after I’d been down with a serious injury, demanded a visit though I could barely function, and I told them to please never come by without calling first. They were deeply offended and literally huffed off and never called or came by again! I was overjoyed and soon saw my health restored, my mind clear, and my walks reclaimed.
I want so bad to confront this woman who has scammed you! I have a stout Hickory stick from Lincoln’s old homestead… All my artist friends have trouble with confrontation and I understand. After the old dude experience, and 3 ex-husbands, I don’t mind it anymore… :o)))
Love this post and everyone’s responses to it. Look to autumn and crisp mornings!
Maria
Maria–Isn’t it amazing how some people assume a solitary walker wants company? I used to walk about 5 miles a day, and I ran into this all the time. One guy wanted me to be his “side chick,” and a scrawny woman kept telling me that I would lose weight if I just kept walking, as if I hadn’t been walking for years. One turned out to be sad though. A middle school girl kept following me, day after day. Finally I stopped and asked her where she was going. She told me she walked close to an adult to be safe from boys who had been harassing her. Then I invited her to walk beside me and I learned a lot, even though I would have preferred to walk alone. It sounds as if your stalkers meant well in their own weird way, and couldn’t pick up on any social cues. Sometimes people do this to push their religion on you. I didn’t include the religious fanatics in my list of toxic types, but they can be scary if you don’t keep up strong boundaries. They all take advantage of kind people who are loathe to say “eff off.” That’s certainly what’s been happening with the “pity-party princess” who’s been scamming me.
I think the bulk of people inflicted toxicity pretty much vanished when I stopped doing the chat rooms back in ’09. Chat rooms back then were very toxic places. As for the outside world, I pretty much do not talk about my current projects, but I got better talking about what I have out. As for my family, sadly, my family doesn’t do this thing called “reading”. I am the only serious reader in my family.
Although, my daughter did a rash of reading when she was in an self-imposed medical exile in 2020 (now better and non covid related), she has pointedly stated that she’ll never read any of my current writing, since she can’t reconcile me the writer with me the father.
I have had people criticize my writing (like I write adult movie stuff) but overall, I fly under everyone’s radar these days. I get good advice/critique in my writing group and elsewhere and I’m a happy camper.
GB–The early Internet was a cesspool of bad behavior, wasn’t it? I think it came from the young male gaming community, who were fighting with each other inside the games and then brought that hostility into all online interactions.
Family who aren’t interested in your work are another problem. I don’t think they do it to be unkind. They just don’t want to read your genre. Or they can be like my own dad, who wouldn’t read my work even though he loved mysteries because he was “afraid he wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t know what to say”. Sigh.
I too have a story of a toxic One-Upper and Self-Promoter. I feel so much better since I showed him the path, even though I’m still singed from his exit speech wherein I’m the bad guy.
But, I’m more concerned with your unwelcome visitor. I’m sure you know about security doorbells and cameras that allow you to see and talk with visitors without opening the door. You might tell her there are people who’re interested in meeting her about her charity, then give her the address of the nearest police station.
I hope the sun shines on you tomorrow.
Burton–It sounds like you’ve been targeted by a “Bugle Boy.” So obnoxious. I do have great neighbors on this little cul-de-sac who are aware of this women’s scammy behavior, including two retired cops. She’s already been reported to the Sheriff, but there’s just a tiny fine for unlicensed solicitation, so she’s not scared of them at all. But she might be scared of my neighbors. Once she knows I’m onto her, I think she’ll evaporate.
Loved this post Anne. I write about toxic people lol. I know well of what you speak. And being a ‘listener’ is my specialty that attracts these negative energies. I think most writers are passionate people and have a lot of empathy for others, so we attract those sorts. The trick is to learn how to defend from them, which I’ve written about lately in my spiritual awareness series. Great article. Sharing! <3
Debby–I’ve read some of your blogposts about toxic people. Some of us are magnets for them. And yeah, some of us need help in fighting them off. A good counsellor can help, too.
Great post Anne – it actually took me appearing in USA Today to finally recognize the toxic person in my life for what she really was (NOT my best friend, as presented.) My winning two major awards prompted her to tell me that it was a shame I wasn’t writing novels ‘worthy of me’ – and that was it. I finally saw her for what she was. It made me remove the blinkers and realize that every time I saw her, I felt worse about myself after. How could I let it go on so long?
Melodie–So sorry to hear it. But I fear that kind of behavior is typical. The higher you rise, the more you become a magnet for toxic people. You brought up an important factor: when these people leave the room, you feel battered. If anybody always makes you feel awful, no matter what they say in words, get out of there. They are hurting you on purpose.
Thank you so much for this most reaffirming post. I have been struggling with these toxic types. It was getting to the point when I felt physically ill when I finally gave myself permission to quiet quit (my new favorite term). And then I found myself feeling guilty for reiterating boundaries, and then angry for feeling guilty. I realized, boy, such a tangled web! But now it much more peaceful after cutting those strands. Thank you!
Bobbi–“Peaceful” is a good word to remember when severing ties with toxic people. Some of us hang on because we worry about feeling lonely or bored. Those toxic people provide a lot of excitement in our lives. But it’s not good excitement–it’s chaotic. What we as writers most need is a peaceful atmosphere where we can create. Congrats on cutting those strands.
Aw, Anne, I am so, so sorry this happened to you. {{{hugs}}}
I’ve been called a cold b*tch more than once. Not because I’m cold. It’s because I don’t want negative people around me. I lead with love, but when/if they cut me or mistake my kindness for weakness–boom, I cut them out of my life. Forever. I don’t care if we’ve been friends for 25 years or if we’re family. When I’m done, I’m done. No one gains power over my life but me. I’m sure a PhD would say my ability to close chapters with such finality stems from having to learn survival techniques as a teenager, and they may be right, but it’s just how I’m built.
Sue–I guess that’s something a lot of us fear–being called cold and unsympathetic. But the alternative can amount to enslavement. It’s amazing how many people mistake kindness for weakness. I’m like you–when I decide to 86 somebody from my life, they’re gone. I have no interest in hearing them whine or bully me for one more minute.
Wow. I am stunned by this person who has inveigled herself into your life. She sounds terrible. I can’t understand the type of person that exploits kindness and patience for their own gain. Do they have no ethics or moral compass? It is baffling. I hope this situation can be resolved somehow. Sounds very stress inducing.
Loved this post about toxic people. I want to read more about the Crazymakers.
There’s a book about boundaries which I found eye-opening. You need hard boundaries with toxic people. I do not. I am learning 🙂
https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace
Tanya–Yes, that woman was an over-the-top entitled princess. She thought her sad stories bought her a right to bully me. I wanted to ask her if she had been raised by wolves–or had recently arrived from a planet far, far away. 🙂 But I’m glad I didn’t. Confrontation with a sociopath always makes things worse. They can’t feel shame or guilt. They only know what they want and they’ll do anything to get it.
The Artist’s Way is a classic that’s well worth reading. Not just about crazymakers, but Cameron is eloquent on the subject. The book really opened my eyes when I first read it. I realized I had to sever ties with a bunch of toxic people or I would never have a writing career.
Undoubtedly! 🙂
Good advice, Anne! There are too many of those people out there. I am the kind that is empathetic and sympathetic to everybody, and it does affect my health. I hope you are keeping your door closed to that person and file with your lawyer about her scam. That is awful! Take care. Be aware! I will be too! I will take your advice about putting this type of person in my books and killing them off. Great idea! hugs x
JJ–I did send that woman packing. I happened to have a leg cramp when she showed up so I was in screaming pain. I think I scared her. I’ve just paid in little checks for years. Not enough to be worth paying a lawyer. But I have reported to the DA. Yeah. It’s fun to kill them off in fiction. Very cathartic.