5 common mental traps: how to ID them, how to fight back
by Ruth Harris
Last week Anne wrote about scams and scammers — the enemies out there ready to pounce on unwary writers.
This week I want to follow up with some words about the enemies within — the traps writers set for themselves.
Traps surround us.
- In golf, beware the sand traps.
- Lobster traps in Maine.
- Bear traps in the woods.
- In horror novels and movies, watch out for the trap door.
- Mice must shun the mouse trap.
- The plant world contributes with the venus fly trap.
Then there are the other kind of traps, mental traps, the ones writers often deal with. Psychologists call them mind traps — specifically, the irrational thought patterns that cause us to feel like victims, helpless, stuck and powerless.
According to psychotherapist, Bryan E. Robinson, PhD, when we’re under stress, it’s easy to get swept away by negative thought patterns that over personalize and distort the actual event. Invisible but powerful, these dangerous traps lurk within us, ready to spring when we’re at our most vulnerable.
Dr. Robinson observes that what you say to yourself under stress pops up so automatically and with such lightning speed that we don’t even notice. Instead, we conclude that the external event — the rejection, the one-star review, the disappointing launch — is to blame for our distress.
To add to the destructive consequences, the stress that caused the trap to spring in the first place is kept alive by our own bleak conclusions — a double whammy that prevents us from escaping and moving forward.
We feel we’ll never get published, never find an agent, never figure out where the plot went off the rails. We cry, we scream, we give up. Our outlook is pessimistic — and getting worse.
We need to rescue ourselves, but how can we when we feel trapped?
1. The all-or-none trap.
Writer X opens his/her mail and finds another rejection slip. Writer X groans/sighs/curses and a familiar script immediately unfolds in his/her mind.
“This is the fifth agent/publisher that rejected my book. I’ll never find an agent/publisher. I might as well give up.”
Sinking deeper into the clutches of the mind trap, the negative self-talk spools on. “Those agents/publishers are right. I can’t write. My book stinks. I’m a no-talent nobody.”
- Writer X reacts by having a drink. Or three.
- Demolishes a box of chocolates.
- Inhales a bag of potato chips.
- Digs out the stash.
- Snarls at his/her partner, friend, boss, colleague, editor.
- Barks at the dog.
- Hisses at the cat.
Finally, ensnared even deeper by lethal coils of his/her own self-created trap, Writer X throws up his/her hands in defeat, and ditches his/her manuscript where it sits gathering cyber dust on his/her computer — a depressing reminder of crushed hopes and dreams.
The clues.
Listen for words like always, all, everybody, either-or, nobody, never, or none. They are clues that you have been trapped by all-or-none thinking.
The Rx.
Really? Only five?
What about Harry Potter? According to Siri, there were 12 rejections before J. K. Rowling found a publisher.
Or what about the time Stephen King was so dejected, he threw the manuscript of Carrie into the trash?
From “rubbish and dull” to “unsaleable and unpublishable,” here are the brutal rejection letters received by some of the world’s all-time bestselling books and authors.
“Yeah, but they’re successful,” retorts the trapped writer.
They weren’t in the beginning, were they?, reality reminds him/her. They didn’t give up, did they?
See what you’re doing to yourself?
You’re hurt, you’re angry, and, imprisoned, you’ve reduced your opportunities to zero.
Maybe the sixth or fourteenth agent/publisher will be the one that makes all the difference, but Writer X will never know. Contemplate my post here about rejection for some realistic perspective (and some black humor) from the editor’s POV.
2. The catastrophe trap.
You’ve just gotten a one-star review on your new mystery and your mood sinks lower than the Mariannas Trench.
“Everyone hates my book. I’m a no-talent loser who’s never going to succeed. That reviewer is right. I might as well give up.”
Say what?
Clue.
You’ve forecast the worst possible outcome based on a single review?
Based on what? One review? As Johnny Mac used to say, “You cannot be serious.”
You’ve fallen right into another sure tip-off to the presence of a mind trap: catastrophic forecasting based on scanty evidence.
Rx.
What about the four 5-star reivews and four 4-star reviews? Don’t they count?
- Maybe that reviewer was just having a bad day and would hate Shakespeare’s sonnets.
- Or maybe that reviewer loves sweet romance and your hard-boiled mystery is set on the mean streets of Palm Beach.
- Or what if that reviewer is a failed writer consumed with jealousy and intent on trashing another writer’s success.
Consider all the possibilities to find your way out of the catastrophe trap.
3. The “Shoulda” trap.
You’ve encountered a plot glitch and you’re driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what the MC/villain does next. No matter how hard you try, every idea goes nowhere. You’ve struck out.
You’re fed up with your manuscript — and with yourself.
“What made me think I could write a mystery? I must have been crazy. I should have tried a romance/scifi/space opera instead.”
You’ve ended up on Nada Street and Zilch Avenue and, in despair, you trash the forty thousand good/terrific/not that bad words you’ve written.
The clue:
Oppressive words like should, ought, must, and have to are deadly third-rail tripwires that cause you to feel ensnared.
The Rx.
Take a break, a walk, have some coffee or a cup of tea. Listen to yourself. Pay careful attention to what you’re thinking. Notice your word choices. Does your interior script tear you down or support you?
Replace oppressive words like shoulda, must and have to with encouraging words that motivate you to review your work in search of another, overlooked possibility or to brainstorm with your buddies for a solution.
4. The blame game.
Your editor points out ways your ending could be strengthened and suggests places where you might consider making revisions.
- Do you calmly reread the ending with your editor’s comments in mind?
- Do you consult your favorite writing books for ideas about how to improve the ending?
- Or do you review Anne’s tips about how to write a satisfying ending.
You don’t?
Instead you blame yourself. “I really screwed up that ending. I’m such a loser. I’ll never be able to write a book anyone wants to read.”
Or how about this?
You make the changes, publish the book and sales are disappointing. Do you blame the editor? “I took his/her advice, but my book didn’t sell. it’s all his/her fault.”
Clue:
You come to a sweeping conclusion on the basis of a single event. Feeling trapped, you blame yourself for writing an ending that could be improved and maybe just needs a few tweaks.
Or else, you blame yourself or someone else for events like sales or reviews outside your (or your editor’s) control.
Rx.
When you catch yourself viewing an isolated event as a never-ending pattern of defeat, consider the alternatives.
- Perhaps the disappointing sales were a result of a cover that didn’t fit the genre.
- Maybe the blurb needs to be rewritten.
- Could be the ending is fine, but the middle of the book is a bit saggy.
- Could the formerly hot genre have sunk in popularity?
- What if Big Star Author in your genre published a blockbuster Number One book at the same time and sales of all the other books in your genre were down?
One disappointment doesn’t mean that everything you do will be disappointing. For writers, almost everything is fixable. We’re creative!
5. The “but” trap.
When good news is bad news. You downplay your accomplishments or discount your ability.
“I won that prize for best historical mystery, but it was a fluke. Besides, it was from a literary magazine no one ever heard of.”
“My book was a bestseller, but it came out in a month when there wasn’t much competition.”
Clue.
There’s usually a “but” in this mind trap that can help you catch yourself when you feel your positive achievements don’t count.
Rx.
When negative thoughts cancel positives, make a point of turning to your positive accomplishments to escape the “but” trap.
The twist ending.
Can you guess what it is?
I couldn’t.
But Dr. Robinson did.
He points out that each one of these traps — which seem so different on the surface — is the result of exactly the same formula: You overstate the threat at the same time that you underestimate your own ability to deal with it.
Seems hard to believe — until you think about it. The bottom line is that you are the one who sets the trap and, to twist the knife, you are the one who gets trapped.
Now that we have effective techniques to see through the devious ways of self-imposed writer traps, put the Rx into action, escape the trap, and enjoy your freedom.
You’ve earned it!
by Ruth Harris (@RuthHarrisBooks) February 23, 2020
***
What about you, scriveners? Have you ever fallen into any of these mental traps? Does your thinking go immediately go to worst case scenarios? How do you get yourself out of your mental traps?
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And don’t fall into the but trap sitting on your butt, either.
One bad review out of dozens means nothing. We just like to focus on that one negative, don’t we?
Alex—Yes, we do! The authors (research psychologists) of “The Power of Bad,” write that it takes FOUR good events to cancel the influence of ONE bad event. Aaaargh.
“You overstate the threat at the same time that you underestimate your own ability to deal with it.” So, so true! This was a great article full of home truths. Thank you.
Now and then I re-read The 10x Solution by Grant Cardone, just for a similar kick in the pants. We all need reminders–I do, at any rate–to get out of our own heads and recognize we have the power to get things done despite that cranky inner voice.
Carmen—Couldn’t agree more! Overstating the threat while underestimating our ability to deal with it seemed to me to nail the bottom line of why we can be so harsh with ourselves. Like you, I need to be reminded over and over again. Slow learners, I guess. ;-(
Argh! Been there. Done that. Who’s fallen into these mind traps? This girl! “irrational thought patterns…[feeling] helpless, stuck and powerless.” *raises hand* I got a 100% on this, lady. Five out of five.
Fantastic, and much-needed, article Ruth. Thanks for this! ????
Sarah—Thanks! *Why* do we do this to ourselves???? It all seems so, so familiar—to me and to just about every writer I know. Blech.
I don’t know. I’ve been asking that question for years. I love that you’ve included “RX” because, mostly, I’m just talking about it and commiserating. We need your RX. 🙂
This is great, particularly that link to the list of rejected bestsellers! I have definitely been “Writer X” stressing about a rejection or two. But now I look at rejections as a badge of honor. Rejections are evidence that I am out there taking risks, going for my goals, and learning what works and what doesn’t.
Jen—Yay! for you. Such a great way to deal with all the inevitable rejections, lousy reviews and other BS writers have to deal with. Thanks for sharing such a positive way of thinking/reacting.
My trap: I’ve been in this writing game for nine years–10 in October. I have had short stories and a short novel published but have yet to achieve the type of success I know I’m capable of. Nine years of almost. I might as well give up.
Solution: Last Friday I was in a large bookstore. A book leapt off the shelf and into my hands. Flipping pages, I found a peep talk and read it like it was addressed to me. The author had been in the game for 10 years without being published–until she made it big. Her advice: Don’t stand still. Keep writing, keep submitting, keep going until you achieve the result you want.
In the end it’s all up to us.
Thank you for this article, Ruth.
Leanne—Whoever said “keep on keeping on” was so right! We writers just basically just have to persist—takes lots of fortitude! Which, fortunately, we all possess!
Fabulous stuff, and I always love it when all the problems turn out to be the same thing.
Don’t forget that sometimes even when things appear to be going well, you still get that itchy feeling in your spine, and suddenly you think of Admiral Akbar in Star Wars (You know, the fish-guy with the swerving chair who yells “It’s a trap!”).
Hard astern! That’s no time to underestimate yourself either.
Thanks Ruth!
William—Thanks for the kind words! Amazing, isn’t it!, that all these traps turn out to be the same? Recognizing that, though, gives us quite a bit of power. We just have to remember to use it! 😉
Hey Anne & Ruth — How true, how true. Writers are pretty darned good at self destruction, aren’t we? And at falling into what you refer to as The “but” trap. Brings back that moment in the PeeWee Herman movie, when he & an able young woman are sitting in the mouth of a cement dinosaur & she disses her own abilities. PeeWee’s response: “Everyone I know has a big but.”
CS—We’re good at self-destruction because we get so much negative incoming. Sometimes it feels like we’re all a bunch of masochists! Forget talent. What we need is persistence (aka stubbornness) until we break down the barriers—inner and outer!
Ugh. We writers can be downright brutal on ourselves, can’t we? The same self-deprecation attacks other creatives, as well… singers, songwriters, artists, illustrators, etc. But I’m a big believer in karma. What we put out into the world we get back threefold. Negativity begets negativity. Positivity begets positivity. Which is why whenever I hear that dreadful voice, I slide on the headphones. Try drowning out that voice with this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIXLlWW5pbI Works every time!
Sue—Major thanks for the reminder and the link. Music therapy works!
Oh, the one about the rejection letters and what they “mean” is ALL me. But as someone above said: “Don’t stand still. Keep writing, keep submitting, keep going until you achieve the result you want”, couldn’t be more true. I am not where I want to be … yet.
Patricia—Thanks for reminding us of one of the most important words: “yet.”
Surviving—and succeeding—is all about persisting and “yet” makes all the difference.
Thanks for the reminders of self-made traps we all fall into. They follow us around like bad omens, and the enemy is hard to escape because the enemy is us. I try to keep my expectations in check as much as possible. Maybe because my dreams at 70 are much different than my dreams at 30. I didn’t expect to get published, but I got a contract. I don’t expect 5 star reviews, but will cherish the 1 I just might get. Will I keep writing? Yes. Will I get rejections? Yes. But it’s better than knitting booties and playing bridge one day a week.
Brenda—Thanks for contributing such a helpful perspective. Of course you’ll get rejections. Everyone does. It’s what we do with them and how we react that makes *all* the difference!
My trap is number 6: Imposter syndrome. “My last book was my funniest, according to the reviews. I will never be able to write anything as good again.” Wow, how I wish I could get around this trap and not fall into it TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
Melodie—You’re also in the all-or-none trap #1. The clue is the word “never.” The escape is reminding yourself that you did it once. No reason you can’t (and won’t) do it again. And again! 🙂
Thank you, Ruth. Sadly the traps never go away although I hope we get better at finding our way around them. Though speaking at a conference in New Zealand, I was asked how you handle revision requests. I suggested throwing yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, sticking pins in your editor doll, then getting up and doing the worlk. During the break several people asked me where they could buy an editor doll.
Valerie—LOL After they asked about buying an editor doll (and the pins to go with it), did they ask about how to analyze the revision requests? Seems like those writers think editors are dictators. As a former editor, I can guarantee you they (we) are not.
I totally agree, Ruth. But it’s hard to be objective when someone tells you your baby has issues. I did explain some ways to deal with revision requests, starting with letting a day or so (at least) pass beforfe tackling them.
Hmm… I smell a business opportunity. Time to make some editor dolls.
Janet—Good thinking! You should also sell the pins to go along with them! A matched set?
Five great points, Ruth. I think each contribute to the “I’ll-do-it-tomorrow” trap which Alex has the right Rx for – butt in seat, fingers on keys, and keep going. Thanks for all you and Anne do to help stabilize us mentally-ill writers 🙂
Garry—thanks! Definitely butt in chair but *not* mentally ill. We’re vulnerable. That’s part of who we are and what we do. It’s our strength. Maybe even our super power!
We’re all in this together – the super power of support 🙂
Definitely needed this one today! Thank you so much! This post was wonderful!
Lani—So happy to hear the post came at just the right time for you! Anne and I share our own experiences in the hopes of helping other writers. Thanks so much for the kind words.
Barking at the dog, hissing at the cat, and manuscript collecting cyber dust. Do you have a camera focused on my desk, Ruth?
Thanks for an uplifting article.
gbvoss—Drat! How did you find my camera?????
I really needed this post – today and every day. I’ve found that when I’m at my most discouraged, a good night’s sleep works wonders. I usually wake up the next morning with a much better outlook, ready to plant butt in chair and get to it.
Janet—Glad to hear the post is helpful. I’m with you 1000%. A good night’s sleep is *almost* magic,, isn’t it? 🙂
These are so easy to fall into! As a teacher, I’ve coached kids through these for years – but coaching myself through them is a whole different game! Thanks for the reminders & tips!!!
As a former English teacher, I knew I could write. But editors didn’t think I could write good enough. I’d had rejections of short stories, poetry, and my fantasy novel and I told myself I wasn’t good enough. But before I threw in the towel, I decided to try one more thing. I took a class with Long Ridge Writers Group and was lucky enough to have Mary Rosenblum (RIP, Mary) as my tutor. Shortly after the class was finished, I sold a poem and a short story to Page and Spine. I now have four books published and lots of short stories in several markets.
I’m still not making any money on the novels, though. But I keep writing.
Fred–A good teacher can make all the difference, can’t they? So glad to hear you found one.
These are very insightful and perfectly presented! Thank you! I appreciate you sharing this.
Anthony–Thanks for stopping by!
This is the time where an author needs to take a step back and breath. We get so caught up in this crazy writing world that it’s easy to forget that we are not alone. As always, excellent stuff. Thanks!!!
Bryan—Thanks for the kind words. Glad to hear the post resonated with you!
Now that we’re dealing with a double whammy (publishing stress + Covid 19) we must more than ever take care of ourselves, physically *and* mentally.
I like to reward myself with my favorite ice cream for each rejection slip. Hope I’m not writing poorly just to get at the reward… Hmm…
Katherine—chocolate chip, vanilla fudge, or caramel creme? Hmmm…careful, girl! 😉