by Tara Sparling
Introduction:
Ever wonder what it would be like to live with a well-known fictional character stereotype? At Christmas? Well, wonder no more, and count your blessings that you don’t…
It’s December the Somethingth. You come home from a long day at work. You were supposed to buy Christmas gifts, but the traffic was awful and you didn’t make it to the store before it closed.
All you want is a stiff drink and an hour online in order to finish the shopping you now know you should never have left home to do in the first place.
The antique Victorian street lamp illuminating your driveway casts soft light on the dusting of snow, which is inexplicable, given that it’s positively balmy outside. You stumble over something at your doorstep and it yelps. You look down, startled.
It’s a small, scruffy looking dog. He looks back at you. The expression on his furry face somehow manages to convey that you have something to learn about life, that the lesson will have to be learned before Christmas is over, and that he’s going to help you learn it.
YOU: I’m betting you have something to do with my housemate.
A voice trills merrily behind you. It is UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [walking up the driveway and singing gaily] Ding Dong, merrily on high!
YOU: Oh, here we go.
***
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Hey Roomie! Whatcha doing, standing out here in the cold with Wenceslas?
YOU: As I keep saying, it is categorically not cold. Is this yours? When did you get a dog? And you seriously named him Wenceslas?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [picking up the dog and nuzzling into his neck] It’s Wenny for short. Isn’t he the cutest? How could I resist this bundle of woof! It’s fate that we found each other at Christmas!
DOG: [wags his tail obligingly before cocking his head to the side] Woof.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: He’ll be no trouble, I promise. He is definitely not going to pee in your shoes, chew your computer power cable, or knock over the Christmas tree.
YOU: Wow. That’s quite specific, and yet I’m somehow not reassured at all. [unlocking the door] Where’ve you been?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Oh, I just had the LOVELIEST day! I bought every Christmas gift on my list. Well, all except the quirky one I need for my one-dimensional slave driver boss who hates Christmas. Then before I left the mall, I stopped off for a mug of cocoa. I got talking to the old lady next to me. She told me her entire life story for no reason at all. I think she’s lonely. So I invited her for an impromptu eleven-course feast tonight. You don’t mind, do you?
YOU: My gut feeling is that I don’t really have a choice here.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [suddenly producing fourteen bags of Christmas shopping, full to the brim with perfectly wrapped gifts, all of which are exactly square or rectangular shapes] Don’t you just LOVE Christmas??
YOU: You work a minimum wage yet somehow simultaneously stressful job. How you find both the time and money you spend on Christmas I’ll never know.
***
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Then after I met the old lady, you won’t believe who I met – my old boyfriend! The one I left behind when I came to the big city.
YOU: Let me guess. The one that got away.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: As IF. I was the one who got away. I’m far too busy and ambitious to think about lame exes who stay in small towns, instead of achieving something amazing.
YOU: Like adopting dogs, or inviting crazy old ladies for dinner without consulting the people you live with?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [blissfully ignoring you] So you wouldn’t believe it – Chuck and me nearly got into an argument.
YOU: You haven’t seen each other in years. What could you possibly have had to argue about?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Well, He and I both wanted the last limited edition snow angel in the store We both reached for it at the same time, and—
YOU: [settling in for the long haul at the kitchen table, sighing. The dog hops up on the bench beside you and puts his paw on your knee.] Let me guess. Your eyes met, and then narrowed, and you wrestled for the snow angel, which he won, but then you both realised who the other one was, and…
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Oh my Lord, how did you know?
YOU: Never mind. Go on.
DOG: Woof.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Anyway, it was quite funny, actually, and we ended up laughing about it. We’re meeting for a drink later this week. But it’s totally platonic, because I’m not interested in him, because you know, small town, etc. Even though he’s unfeasibly good-looking. Plus he hates Christmas.
YOU: Great. I’ll get my wedding suit dry-cleaned.
***
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Anyhow, then I paid a visit to all the stores I went to as a child with my folks. [hangs her head and stares bleakly into the middle distance] Before they died. When I was seven. On Christmas Eve.
YOU: Bingo! You know, for someone who’s had so many terrible things happen to her at this time of the year, not least your parents dying tragically of turkey poisoning, for the life of me I can’t understand why you’re so nuts about Christmas.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: But it’s the season of goodwill and peace! To all men! And women, because as a sidebar, I am 17% feminist.
YOU: That doesn’t make you well-rounded. And just for the record, neither does a thin backstory about a tragic childhood.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [Opening the refrigerator, which is full to the brim with seasonal food and drink] I’m not tragic! I just really believe in Christmas. You know?
YOU: I know.
DOG: Woof.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER removes three dishes from the refrigerator and puts them on the table, which for some reason is fully set with five places, festive decorations, and fine crystal you don’t remember either of you owning. Despite your best intentions, your mouth starts watering.
***
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Christmas isn’t the only thing I believe in.
YOU: Ok, I’ll bite. What else do you believe in?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: I also believe in saving the planet for future generations. Especially around Christmas, when there’s so much plastic stuff around. It’s why I’ve started a neighbourhood campaign to give only upcycled or recycled gifts this year. Like the range of seasonal dog collars I just designed. They’re made out of plastic bottles and car tyres, in a completely sustainable method which in no way creates any further pollution.
YOU: Of course it doesn’t.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: I know my collars are going to be noticed by the rich and aloof yet somehow ageless lady next door who loves dogs, but also hates Christmas. With her backing, I can start my own range of sustainable Christmas dog collars and export them all over the world. And then, once I make enough money, I’m going to promote my new campaign of adopting a lonely elderly person from your neighbourhood for Christmas. Like whatever her name is I met today, who’s coming for dinner.
YOU: Stop. Just stop.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Stop what?
YOU: In the last five minutes, from nowhere, you suddenly indicated an interest in environmentalism, community activism and care for the elderly. It’s too much.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: What do you mean, too much?
YOU: Underwritten Christmas characters are only allowed to have one purpose or goal. Not two. I mean, you can seek both love and a job, which is okay. But you can’t seek to further your career AND achieve a noble cause AND find love. It’s not the done thing.
***
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: But I’m totally well-rounded! I can like more than one thing!
YOU: Liking things doesn’t actually give you a personality, though.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Does too!
YOU: No, it doesn’t. I mean, why are you so bland? Like, is there any depth to you at all? For instance, why are you never even slightly unhappy or rude to people, other than during the exact anniversary of your parents’ death?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: It’s such a tough day for me.
YOU: But don’t you think about your folks the entire rest of the year?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: What can I say? I’m into doing things by the calendar.
YOU: And what do you really think about your boss? Why don’t you hate him like every other employee in his company?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: I can see the loneliness inside him. Plus, he’s kind of hot, and I’m really only there to provide a contrast to his constant negativity. Oh, and so that he can eventually see the error of his ways.
DOG: [looking at you intently] Woof.
YOU: But he fired you last week for bringing him a gingerbread man with his coffee. And as I keep telling you, you don’t have any character traits!
***
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Yes I do. I love Christmas, remember? And my parents are dead.
YOU: For the last time, THOSE ARE NOT CHARACTER TRAITS!! They are clichés!!
The dog barks and looks at you reproachfully. You realise with a sinking feeling that there’s a moral to this story, and you’re going to be it.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [wrapping a piece of tinsel around your neck and hanging a Christmas tree bauble from your ear] Let’s not fight. I do forget sometimes that you hate Christmas, and here’s me, chattering on about it like there’s no tomorrow! Well, no January, anyway.
YOU: But I don’t hate Christmas. I just don’t really think about it that much.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: Don’t worry. They all do in the end.
The doorbell rings. The chime somehow manages to be both “Hark The Herald Angels Sing” and “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, together at the one time.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: That’ll be the old lady! Will you take the turkey, the nut roast, and the goose out of the oven while I open the door?
YOU: You’re kidding. When did you get the time to cook all this?
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER has already left the kitchen. The oven is jammed with picture-perfect roasts. You start to remove them one by one. New voices filter through from the hallway. A child’s voice pipes above the rest before pattering tiny feet run through to the kitchen and come to an abrupt halt in front of you.
UNDERWRITTEN CHRISTMAS CHARACTER: [re-entering the kitchen] Our guest has arrived! And isn’t she just the sweetest – she brought a poor orphan she met on her way here to join our merry party!
You raise your eyes from the child to check out the kidnapper in your midst – and get the shock of your life.
YOU: Grandma??
DOG: [Delightedly dancing backwards on his hind legs] Woof.
THE END
by Tara Sparling (@TaraSparling) December 15, 2019
What about you, scriveners? Have you encountered an underwritten Christmas character? Do you think readers find underdeveloped characters soothing in some way? Do you think other holidays lend themselves to underwritten characters?
Tara Sparling writes fiction and screenplays. Originally from the west of Ireland, she now lives in Dublin. Her blog explores bestselling book statistics and trends, as well as literary and mathematical humour.
She also blogs about traditional vs. self-publishing, marketing tips, bizarre success stories, and spectacular failures. She has won blog awards for being new, bookish and funny. Her fiction has also been shortlisted in several national competitions. Besides her blog, she can be found hiding (poorly) behind @TaraSparling on Twitter.
Read Tara’s award-winning blog! It’s hilarious.
Tara—Delightful! Many thanks for the good cheer and, to you, Merry Christmas!
Thanks, Ruth, and many happy returns! May all the characters in your Christmas be well-rounded and amusing…
Uh oh. I think you may have plagiarized a Lifetime movie. Several, in fact. ;
Oh noooo!!! And I thought you’d all think it was so original, and fresh Liz!
But hey – you caught me. I was a fool to think that just because Christmas comes only once a year, that you’d all forget about last year’s clichés… 🙂
Every cliché captured perfectly. This is why I never watch Christmas shows except for Scrooge and old cartoons.
I hope there’s room for more old classics in your Christmas too, missimontana. I’m a sucker for It’s A Wonderful Life myself. The true originals never get old.
Hallmark will be pounding down your door with an option! And why didn’t I think of sustainable dog collars, dang. Great fun, Tara, as always. Merry Excess to you! (And yes, I’m going to copyright that)
As long as I get to choose who plays Grandma, Melodie, I’ll give Hallmark whatever they want! And very excessive merriness to you in return. From me and the sustainable dogs.
I have SO MISSED this level of comic genius! And here you are hiding out on Anne’s site, an early Christmas present for me, taroo toolay!
I will say, it seems “You” is catching on though. Five or six of these encounters and I sense the ability to hit the change-up now. Almost participating! I see you, Ms. Sparling, no flies on me. Especially at Christmas, they’re more underfoot now…
You found me, Will! Although I wasn’t hiding. I was watching Christmas movies 28 hours a day as research for this post. The other 6 hours I spent trawling through everything you’ve ever written, in order to create your character as ‘You’…. 🙂
That was wonderful! I love the ending. Merry Christmas anyway… 🙂
And a very merry Christmas to you too Johanne. From me AND Grandma.
Great story 🙂
I’m a book reviewer, and was thrilled to receive my first-even unsolicited hardcover review copy in the mail a few weeks ago (I live in New Zealand, so my review copies are usually requested via NetGalley).
Guess what?
The main character is an underwritten cliche (solo mother who hates Christmas so moves to a town that has Christmas in the town tagline). I loathed her before I was even halfway though the back cover copy (and reading the first chapter did not change my mind). I think the book has All the Cliches. It’s probably angling for a movie deal with Hallmark.
*ever.
How is it that the typo only ever shows up after I hit post?
Oh dear, Iola, sounds disappointing… although I often think that the best stories can still use all the clichés, but just happen to do it in such clever ways that we simply don’t notice! I really hope you got a bit more Christmas sparkle in your reading material since!
OMG, I love this post. Bravo! 😀
And like others said, this is why I don’t watch the vast majority of Christmas movies. Underdeveloped characters irritate me.
Thanks, Lydia! I think underdeveloped characters annoy everyone, except themselves. They’d have to have a certain depth to be believably annoyed.
So flippin’ funny! Last one I watched while folding a mountain of laundry. The main character was a middle school science teacher mourning the end of her last romance (that cheating scoundrel!). She lived in a McMansion with a guest house that she inherited from her dead parents who were…wait for it….a cop and a teacher. Oh, and they had time and resources to found an annual Christmas charity. And there was cute kid and a puppy.
Wow, Dominique, that’s such an excellent representation of real life, isn’t it? I know Christmas is supposed to have a certain magic, but there should be at least some limitations!!
When I saw the house, my first thought was that Dear Old Dad was on the take. Which might actually make an interesting story…
So true! Certainly suggests possibilities, which the undeveloped characters just don’t…
Thank you for the fun read. I was giggling all my way through it. 😀
I think summer holidays lend themselves to underwritten characters as well.
Oooh… now there’s an idea, Topaz! I might just look into that… thank you and happy Christmas!