by Ruth Harris
No. Non. Nein. Nyet. No effin way.
And, in case you haven’t suffered enough: لا (That’s Arabic for “not right for us.”)
And it’s not just you.
If you’re a writer, you will be rejected.
And you will be dissed. Period. Comes with the territory. (Sorry about that.)
- Kathryn Stockett ’s The Help (on the New York Times bestseller list for over 100 weeks, with sales of several million copies) received 60 rejections.
- Stephen King’s Carrie was turned down 30 times before Doubleday took a chance.
- Joseph Heller’s Catch-22: “Apparently the author intends it to be funny.”
- John Grisham’s, A Time to Kill (1.5 million copies sold) received 28 rejections.
- Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (Chicken Soup for the Soul) received 134 rejections.
- One publisher to another about John Le Carré’s The Spy Who Came In From The Cold: “You’re welcome to le Carré—he hasn’t got any future.”
- Nabakov’s Lolita: “Nauseating…I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.”
- Robert Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance received 121 rejections before it was published.
- Melville’s Moby-Dick was turned down by multiple publishers. Among the rejections: “Does it have to be a whale?”
- Ernest Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises was bounced back with: “Tedious and offensive.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby received this gem: “You’d have a decent book if you’d get rid of that Gatsby character.”
- Gone With The Wind? Margaret Mitchell’s classic was turned down 38 times before it was published
All of this proving yet again that William Goldman was right: “No one knows anything.”
Even if you think you’re ready for it, rejection still hurts. Really hurts.
- You feel attacked and assaulted.
- You want to crawl into a hole and hide.
- And weep. (Even though you know there’s no crying in publishing.)
- Curse, yell, scream and scare the &*%## out of the dog, the cat, and the neighbors.
- Threaten vile, unspeakable revenge against the stupid, moronic, idiotic editor / agent who didn’t have the brains or taste to see your genius.
- You hit the booze.
- Raid the chocolate stash.
- Fire up some weed.
You’ll do anything you can think of to ease the pain.
Why? What’s going on?
Why do we feel demolished and so utterly awful?
What is there about rejection that hurls us into despair?
Or full meltdown mode?
It’s not just lousy luck. Or bad juju.
There’s a reason.
A Matter of Life and Death.
According to a study of exclusion (rejection) published in 2003, MRI scans show that rejection results in increased activities in two significant areas of the brain—the anterior cingulate (ACC) and the right ventral prefrontal cortex.
In a vastly simplified explanation, the cingulate cortex is an area of cortex associated with emotional responses. Located behind the forehead and eyes, the prefrontal cortex is associated with thinking about emotions and with self-control.
Psychologists theorize that the pain of being rejected may have evolved because of the importance of social bonds (ie acceptance) required for survival. In other words, exclusion from the group is registered by our most basic neural circuits as, literally, a matter of life and death.
Naomi I. Eisenberger, a UCLA Ph.D. candidate in social psychology and the study’s lead author, said. “There’s something about exclusion from others that is perceived as being as harmful to our survival as something that can physically hurt us, and our body automatically knows this.”
The bottom line is that over the last decade, neuroscientists have largely come to believe that physical pain and social pain are processed by the brain in the same way. No wonder rejection hurts.
Healing the Hurt of Rejection
Still, we’re writers, and even though we know rejection is part of the gig, we feel the pain, but there are effective ways to heal the hurt.
Some of them may surprise you. They surprised me.
1) Tylenol reduces the emotional pain caused by rejection. (Seriously.)
In a study testing the hypothesis that rejection mimics physical pain, researchers gave some participants acetaminophen (Tylenol) before asking them to recall a painful rejection experience.
The people who took the Tylenol reported significantly less emotional pain than subjects who received a placebo.
So, surprisingly, it turns out that hitting the medicine chest rather than the vino is a much better approach.
2) Rejection destabilizes our “Need to Belong” but we can fight back.
Because our survival depends on it, we all have a fundamental need to belong to a group. When we get rejected, this need becomes destabilized and the disconnection we feel adds to our emotional pain.
Reconnecting with those who love us, or reaching out to members of groups to which we feel strong affinity and who value and accept us, has been found to soothe emotional pain after a rejection.
IOW, other writers who know exactly what you’re going through because they’ve been there themselves. Your author buddies are your best mode of resistance and most effective way of hauling yourself out of the ditch and feeling good again. Which is one of the reasons networking is so important.
3) Practice makes (almost) perfect.
A Gallup poll found that smokers have tried to quit an average of 3.6 times before they succeeded.
Tiger Woods failed over and over before his triumphant win at The Masters.
I doubt even Escoffier produced a delicious, light and airy soufflé on his first try.
Each time we try something and fail, we figure out what works—and what doesn’t. Rejection works the same way
As with any goal, assume you’ll experience setbacks and failures (lucky us!) before you reach success.
4) Laugh your pain away.
A classic study by psychologist Elliot Aronson revealed that your imperfections actually increase your attractiveness. Which is why self-deprecation is so charming.
Rather than thinking of rejections as shameful, polish them up with some humor (definitely including black humor), and show them off.
People will only think you’re stronger and, according to Dr. Aronson, more attractive. (I don’t know about sexier.)
5) Profit from “good” rejections.
Some rejections, like the deflating anonymous rejection slip, are useless and should end up in the trash where they belong.
Other rejections offer help, and, sometimes, literally, life-changing help. Stephen King got a rejection that led to his 10% rule and, in the process, changed the course of his entire career.
A well-thought-out rejection that offers constructive criticism can point you in the right direction. What happened to Stephen King can happen to you. Rejections like that deserve a thank you note and maybe a bottle (or two) of Dom Perignon.
6) Consider Billy Joel’s “Songs In The Attic.”
Brian Koppelman, the co-creator and showrunner of TV’s “Billions,” tweets sage advice about rejection.
“Here’s a fun thing to do if you are an artist or anyone, really, dealing with rejection. Listen to Billy Joel’s album ‘Songs In The Attic,’ a record of songs that failed commercially. He put it out after he became successful. Even if you are not a fan, you will know all the songs.”
7) What, exactly, does No mean?
Consider the litany of rejections at the top of this post. Do those insults and setbacks mean that John Grisham and Stephen King—and a thousand others you’ve heard of and admire—never got published?
Do they mean that JG and SK are still collecting rejections?
Or do they mean that rejection is temporary?
Isn’t it possible No means Not Now?
Or Not Yet?
As JG and SK—and a thousand others—will tell you, today’s No definitely does not mean tomorrow’s Get Lost.
No is temporary, open to revision, often a speed bump along the way.
Pssst. Wanna know a secret?
Books get rejected for lots of reasons. Many have nothing to do with the quality of the book.
Every editor (including me) I ever knew opens every new submission hoping, wishing, praying that this one will be The One.
The one that will make us look good, the one that gets us a promotion, a raise, a bigger bonus.
We do not go to work every day hoping to be disappointed. Or looking forward to being let down. No way. We want to be thrilled. Turned on. Delighted.
We want to share the news. To yell, shout our great find to our bosses,our sales department, our colleagues, the world.
We want to love your book!
Don’t think so? Think this is lot of BS? Well, duh. Think about it for a minute!
Why else would we be editors????? (Or agents.) We’re editors (or agents) because we love books and love to read. We are not sullen grouches out to make writers miserable.
Come on. Get a grip.
Then resubmit. 🙂
***
by Ruth Harris (@RuthHarrisBooks) May 26, 2019
What about you, scriveners? How do you deal with rejection? Has it got easier to deal with over the years? Have you ever had a rejection so devastating that you stopped writing? (I have. Once it lasted a whole year 🙁 …Anne)
This week on my book blog, I have a post about the Rule of Three: The Secret to Good Storytelling.
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Tylenol? Wow! To say that’s unbelievable would be an understatement.
You’ve missed a few famous authors, but as an editor, I might have rejected some of the books you listed. This post illustrates that creativity is in the eye of the beholder. Editors have biases and preferences that preclude their acceptance of many works.
Kathy—Yeah. Tylenol blew me away, too, but why not worth a try in moments of duress?
Editors are usually well aware of their own biases and it’s not at all unusual for an editor to ask a colleague for a second read as a double-check. It’s done all the time.
Fabulous points Ruth- that one about the Tylenol, like Ms. Steinemann I’m shaking my head over that one (and will almost certainly try it after the next failed job interview).
Pity the giants who came before us, and really had no choice but to submit and get rejected. Today of course, anyone can “make it” by the yardstick of publishing one’s tale. So the ground shifts a small but important bit, and now success or failure is around how well you market yourself, your platform and whether readers like you. It’s another place where you can throw yourself at it with all your heart and soul. I think most would agree about the numbers, the “what” of it that makes success. But when? How long do you wait before judging that you have, in fact, been rejected? Maybe indies really only reject themselves. OK, that is definitely too deep a thought for me…
Will—Yeah. Tylenol! Who knew? Report back, OK?
Excellent point about the importance of marketing altho even back in the day, it was pretty normal for authors to hire PR people to get the word out. Publisher marketing staffs are pretty thin. If a Big Name came out on the same list your book did, marketing efforts would focus on Big Name’s book, so essential for lesser authors to fend for themselves.
Ruth, great words of wisdom.
May I add a suggestion? When I first started writing seriously 30+ years ago, I attended a workshop given by novelist David Cates. He offered advice to help writers turn rejection on its head. Instead of crying over them, he suggested to set a *goal* of collecting 100 rejections. Every rejection put you closer to your goal.
The secret, of course, is that by sending out repeatedly, a writer sometimes receives an acceptance instead. In my quest to reach 100 rejections, my stories began to be accepted at a rate of about 1 acceptance out of every 10 submissions. I later learned the 1-in-10 ratio is about normal even among veteran writers with many credits.
at about 200 rejections, I finally stopped counting. By then, I’d gained lots of credits as well as much thicker skin.
Debbie—Thanks for the kind words and thanks for passing along the great suggestion from David Cates. Also appreciate that you shared the secret of the constant effort that led to your success. Truly, “never give up” seems to be the key. We just need to find the Someone, Somewhere. 🙂
Another great post, Ruth! It helps to know the science of why rejection feels so bad, because then we can remind ourselves: “This is just a biological reaction to an evolutionary adaptation. My life, and well-being, are NOT threatened by this.” Besides, our work, brand and personality won’t appeal to everyone–and that’s a GOOD thing, because it can mean we have a distinctive style and set of offerings. ????
Janet—Thanks for such a sane perspective! I agree with your to-the-point comment about not appealing to everyone. After all, not *everyone* loves MacDonald’s. Or even Nora Roberts or John Grisham. Just check the reviews. 😉
Eggzackery! ????
Tomorrow’s get lost – funny!
Taking Tylenol really helps? Good to know.
That we need to belong (and why rejection hurts) doesn’t surprise me. God didn’t create us to be solitary – we are social beings.
Fortunately one person’s rejection is a grain of sand compared to all of humanity.
Alex—Good point—we’re social beings—a clear, concise explanation of why rejection hurts. Thanks!
So true. That one grain of sand hurts when it’s in “your” eye. Nada compared to a beach in, oh, say, Tahiti. ;-).
Thanks, Ruth.
Fortunately, before submitting novel-length manuscripts, I submitted dozens and dozens of short stories, to dozens and dozens of magazines. When a piece inevitably got rejected (this was a while ago, so it was all via mailbox), I developed the habit of saying, “Oh look what’s come home!” Then I’d check my list, put it into a new enveloped with a new cover letter, & send it back into the world. Somehow, this habit softened the blow. Now that I’m sending out stories that took years instead of weeks of my heart & soul, it seems my “Oh look what’s come home” routine helped me develop some callouses that help with rejection.
CS—You’ve made a good point about the power of habit. Establishing a routine for dealing with rejection can go a long way in dulling its power. Knowing what to do—and how to do it—new envelope, new cover letter, automates the response. You’re no longer left stranded, feeling lousy and flailing around, wondering what to do next. Excellent suggestion!
Another secret: If you get a personal rejection, you’ll know it’s a personal rejection. It’ll say something specific about the story.
Linda—Thanks for making a good point. A rejection that refers to a specific issue about plot or character can often be helpful and point the author in the right direction. (altho the one about Gatsby is questionable. lol)
Some “personal” rejections can be quite general, tho. The “Not bad, but PUFFY” Stephen King received left it up to him to decide exactly how to reduce the “puffiness.”
About half of the 35 rejections that I’ve received were for submission that for all intents and purposes did not even remotely meet the minimal definition of a decent manuscript. Those bothered the most. By the time I started querying again some six years, I developed a thicker skin, and eventually got traditionally published on my 13th try.
The only time a rejection hurt was when I tried querying a novella in another division at my then current publisher at a previous editor’s recommendation. I received a form rejection e-mail, and shortly thereafter I was unfriended on FB by the editor. I didn’t really ask why because she had allowed me to use a blurb for the book once I got the rights back, but to this day, I still think that both events are connected some particular way.
GB—Yeah, thicker skin is a big plus and we all eventually develop at least a degree.
Weird rejection/unfriending story! Thanks for sharing. Wonder what happened? Altho publishing is full of weird stories. I received a form rejection for Husbands And Lovers WHILE it was on the NYT bestseller list. So, as they say, go know. ~shrugs~
Book rejected while on the NYT list – wow. Best revenge ever, Ruth. At a conference once I was asked what to do about rejection. I said you should throw yourself down on the floor kicking and screaming, stick pins in your editor doll, then get up and get the work out again. In the break several writers asked me where they could buy an editor doll.
valerieparv—awwww! Poor eds. They/we aren’t *really* that bad. Those pins hurt! Ouchie. 🙁
Very helpful, Ruth. Thank you. In fact, I think I’ll print this article and tack to my wall. : )
Leanne—so glad the post helped. Flattered you consider it wall-worthy! 🙂
Wonderful post about rejection, especially, “Isn’t it possible No means Not Now?” As a baseball player I knew that if i failed seven out of ten times, I was a .300 hitter, which was defined as a success.
SK—Thanks for the flattering words. We all fail more than we succeed and, anyway, isn’t a .300 BA in MVP territory? 😉
I’ll tell you what: Rewarding myself for each rejection with a bit of ice cream, is a good way to test my motives and seriousness.
I would never send a cruddy query just so I could get a bit of ice cream eventually, right?
Katharine—Of course you wouldn’t. No one would *ever* think of such a thing. Would they?
🙂
I hate rejections but the more I get rejected the less it hurts.
Still, we cannot get complacent. We must keep writing and submitting.
~Ingmar
Ingmar—Yes! You’re so right. Those rejections hurt less because with experience and a sane sense of reality, you’re developing the thicker skin every author needs to do just as you say: keep writing and submitting. (or publishing if that’s the way you roll.)
Ruth, thanks for explaining “Rejection” as it relates to writers and providing some coping mechanisms to alleviate the pain. Absolutely a wonderful, informative share.
That popular and famous authors have felt the sting of rejection provides needed perspective. Funny you mentioned Herman Melville–I was looking at Moby Dick the other night and was surprised to learn only a few people such as Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry Wadsorth Longfellow recognized the book’s quality; the general attitude was one of regret that Melville deviated from what had made him successful. Apparently, the book did not find traction until after he died.
BTW, I will stick with Tylenol for now!
Ken
Ken—Thanks for the flattering words! Thanks, too for the interesting info re Moby Dick. Creative work often takes years/decades to be recognized. When Jackson Pollock’s first paintings were shown, they were sneered at, and he was referred to (contemptuously) as “Jack The Dripper.” Now, of course, worth millions and millions.
The results of the Tylenol study blew me away. Wonder if it works for crap reviews, too???? Wouldn’t be surprised. 😉
I’m definitely going out and buying a bottle of Tylenol or Advil – something!
Patricia—:-) They didn’t say anything about Advil. lol
But might be worth waiting to see if CVS has a twofer special!
Ha! That’s funny…
Completely shocked about the Tylenol tip! Wow – didn’t realize there was such a physical connection. Thanks for an interesting read!!
Jemi—Me too. Totally blew me away! Maybe they should advertise: “Drug choice of successful authors the world over.”
Or: “Writers: Ask your doctor if Tylenol is right for you.”
They could offer freebies/samples at writers’ conferences, too. There’s a whole new market for them!
Thanks for this! I am just entering ththe world of submissions and rejections. The rejections sting a bit but they are not devastating (so far anyway). I find the comparison between physical pain and emotional pain fascinating. I wonder if emotional pain is easier to deal with if you’ve survived great physical pain? I mean, I went through a natural childbirth, so what’s a little rejection? LOL! We must remember what Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 1,000 ways that won’t work!”
Jen—Thanks for making an interesting point about emotional pain possibly being “easier” to deal with if you’ve endured physical pain. Makes sense altho I have also read that some people are simply more rejection-sensitive than others. So much work is being done on brain science that we may well find out—and find out how to be more resilient in the face of rejection.
Good luck with your submissions!
I had no idea Tylenol did that. That’s kind of cool.
Patricia—Who truly knew the powers of Tylenol? Definitely v cool. 🙂
I somehow find it challenging and take it very personally as natural when it comes to rejection when it comes to a point abruptly or out of nowhere with no clear cause especially when rejected by someone who has usually been close and accepted. It can also refer to when being rejected after long investment into something or someone as opposed to the very start.
Sam—I think most take rejection personally under the circumstances you cite. Rejection by someone usually supportive can definitely be a shocker. Also, as you say, better at the beginning rather than after a long investment.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Anne and I cherish our smart, savvy readers!
Nice post Ruth. Those quotes are humorous. 😉
Mid Miocene—Thank you for the kind words and happy to hear you enjoyed the quotes.
Great tip about the Tylenol – but for goodness’ sake, all you suffering writers our there, don’t hit it like you’d hit the wine or the chocolate, even a small overdose can be deadly!
Annabelle—Thanks for the kind words—and for the reminder that even over-the-counter drugs must be used responsibly.
Reassuring to know that agents and publishers want to find good writing. I haven’t started the querying process yet, but I will keep what you’ve said in mind.
Naomi—Welcome to the blog and thanks for taking the time to comment. Agents and publishers do indeed look for quality. It’s what they live for! Good luck on your queries!