DEAR SANTA: THIS IS WHAT A WRITER WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS

What a writer wants for Christmas. Please, Santa? 

by Tara Sparling

Dear Santa,

This year I have been a very good writer.

• I did all my homework, cheered on my fellow authors, and accepted rejections with grace and good humour.
• Smashed through writer’s block and only lost faith in myself every other Tuesday.
• Rewrote Chapter One 47 times and never complained (except for that one time I screamed for 6 minutes).
• But most of all, Santa, I never stopped writing.

This required courage, stamina, energy, faith, and on occasion, the ability to completely ignore logic, reason, and everybody who loves me.

So look – you’re a magical being, right? For whom anything is possible?

And just like a writer, you make wishes come true, only in your case, it’s not imaginary. You and Rudolph and all his furry mates deliver wishes down chimneys! And actually make millions of children happy every year on December 24^th. Or whenever it is you visit in December in the Netherlands or Germany. And possibly Turkmenistan (I can never remember, despite having been told more than once).

This is the reason I’m writing to you to tell you what I want for Christmas, Santa, this year. And every year.

I know I’m an adult, but I do have this very active imagination. Which allows me to believe in pretty much anything which suits me at the time.

So would you give this child-at-heart a break – literally – and make a writer’s wishes come true?

I promise if you do, I will write you a story with Santa the superhero, who puts all others in the shade. I’ll make sure it blitzes all the non-believers right into a parallel universe. And that just shows my commitment, Santa – because I don’t even WRITE science fiction.

Therefore, and without further ado, this year I would like:

1. That Idea I Had at 3AM For The Guaranteed Story of the Century

You see, Santa, I was so sure I’d written my idea down.

I remember clearly that ‘Eureka!’ moment. That instant when you just KNOW you’ve a smash bestseller on your hands. It doesn’t happen very often, but that night, it most definitely happened to me.

I was asleep, I think, and perhaps I was dreaming when I came up with this certain blockbuster. At any rate I sat bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night. Then frantically scrabbled about in my bedside drawers for notebook and pencil in order to record my fleeting moment of genius.

Before it was lost forever.

The only problem was, the scribble I found the next morning was mostly illegible. The only bit I could make out was “Google the Flemish Aardvarks.” Try as I might, Santa, I just haven’t been able to make story out of that.

So if you could just see fit to supply me with the rest of the brilliant idea I actually had, I promise to be an even better writer next year.

2. The Stories I Write To Turn Out As Brilliantly As They Were When I First Had The Ideas For Them

I’m sure you’re well acquainted, Santa, with the disparity which can often arise between the perfection of imagination, and the cold truth of reality.

In your case, I imagine it mostly relates to that must-have toy which every six-year-old child has to get this year. If they’re not going to turn into grossly discontented serial-killing adults. They’re going to be totally over it by December 26^th — never to play with the darn thing again. But you still have to get it for them.

My story ideas can be a bit like that.

Remember the idea I had about an 11-year-old boy whose imaginary conversations with his lovable pet mongrel save the world from diplomatic disaster and outright war?

Well, forty-two chapters later, I somehow found myself with a rambling tale about a 37-year-old dog breeder who inadvertently brings down his local residents’ association.

And how did I get there? Well, I don’t know, Santa.

Could you use some of your magic to keep me on course for how brilliant my ideas are in the first place? I promise to be an even better writer next year.

3. My Next Book To Serendipitously Tie In To The Precise Cultural Zeitgeist of the Moment

You’ve been a zeitgeist from time to time yourself, Santa, so I know you’re going to get my jive here, if you know what I mean.

It’s just that it did seem a little unfair that just as the world economy collapsed in 2008, I was launching my book about a morbidly shallow super-rich couple who find love amid leveraged shareholdings.

And similarly, I must say it kind of hurt a bit when I realised what was going to happen to my collection of short stories about the enduring legacy of Bebo and MySpace.

Just once I’d like to be at the front of the juggernaut, Santa: like putting the finishing touches in 2016, say, to a remarkably prescient novel about an unconventional American actress who falls in love with an English prince.

Or even writing “The End”, that very same year, on an edgy political thriller which would explain in great detail the shadowy forces bent on forcing the UK out of all political, cultural and economic alliances, in a coup colloquially known as a “UKexit”. That sort of thing.

If you could be so kind therefore as to align my cultural stars, I promise to be an even better writer next year.

4. The Best Agent in the World; A 7-Book Deal With No Deadlines But A Mortgage-Busting Advance And A Major Movie Tie-In, and Viral Notoriety For The Month of my Launch

I know what you’re thinking, Santa. You’re thinking: the cheek of me! That’s not one thing – that’s three things, and possible even five! I’m a charlatan and a disgrace to my name, as well as my country!!

But let me explain, O Bearded Personification of Jollity: it’s just that these things are so intrinsically linked, I’m merely trying to make it easier for you.

I grouped them all together, because let’s face it, Santa. The latter parts all flow from the former, don’t they? So if you just get me the best agent in the world, the rest will follow, and then it’s all turkey gravy, Father Christmas.

We might have to work on the viral notoriety a bit – I mean, maybe I wouldn’t want it to involve video, for instance, unless of course a cute dog or cat were involved – but we can probably come to some arrangement regarding appropriate levels of humour, excitement, and something my family won’t disown me for (again).

Anyhoo, if you could find it in your heart to deliver, I promise to be an even better writer next year.

 5. The Blockbuster of 2019

Finally, Santa, I don’t want to sound greedy or anything, but I’ve been at this for a while, now, and I think it’s my turn.

And let’s be honest about it – I could have asked for the blockbuster of 2012, but I didn’t. That year you gave it to E.L James instead, but was I bitter? Indeed and I was not.

All I’m asking for here is just one teeny tiny New York Times bestseller, which moves in the region of 62 million copies, thus securing my writing career and future for the next five decades.

Ideally, it would also make me enough dough to pay an entourage which would carefully manage which book reviews I see. And which book reviews somehow disappear from the face of the Earth without either trace or explanation. (But I don’t want to push my luck here.)

Still, if you were so inclined as to make this wish come true, Santa, I promise to be an even better writer next year.

All that remains is for me to send my love and hugs to you and Mrs. Claus, and the same to Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer whose names I can never remember despite hearing those rhymes each and every year.

Yours desperately sincerely,

Scribbler xxx (who really has tried their best to be a very good writer this year

What about you, scriveners? What do you want for Christmas? I mean really really want? 

Tara Sparling

Tara Sparling writes fiction and screenplays. Originally from the west of Ireland, she now lives in Dublin. Her blog explores bestselling book statistics and trends, as well as literary and mathematical humour.

She also blogs about traditional vs. self-publishing, marketing tips, bizarre success stories, and spectacular failures. She has won blog awards for being new, bookish and  funny. Her fiction has also been shortlisted in several national competitions. Besides her blog, she can be found hiding (poorly) behind @TaraSparling on Twitter.

Read Tara’s award-winning blog! It’s hilarious. 

OPPORTUNITY ALERTS

STORY QUARTERLY (the literary magazine of Rutgers University.) $15 ENTRY FEE. First prize $1,000 and publication. Shorts, short shorts, & novel excerpts up to 6,250 words .1) LITERARY FICTION CONTEST:  December 17, 2018-February 17, 2019. 2) CREATIVE NONFICTION CONTEST: November 9, 2018-January 12, 2019.

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BOULEVARD SHORT FICTION CONTEST FOR EMERGING WRITERS $16 ENTRY FEE., Prize $1,500 and publication For writers who have not yet published a book of fiction, poetry, or creative nonfiction with a nationally distributed press. Up to 8,000 words.  Deadline December 31.

DISQUIET LITERARY PRIZES $15 ENTRY FEE.  Fiction, Poetry, and Nonfiction categories. Up to 25 pages for prose 10 pages for poetry. The top  fiction winner will be published on Granta.com, the nonfiction winner in Ninthletter.com, and the poetry winner in The Common. Grand prize winner will receive a full scholarship including tuition, lodging, and a $1,000 travel stipend to Lisbon in 2019. Runners-up and other outstanding entrants will receive financial aid. Deadline January 10, 2019.

SEQUESTRUM EDITOR’S REPRINT AWARD $15 ENTRY FEE. $200 and publication in Sequestrum will be awarded to one previously published piece of fiction or nonfiction and one previously published piece of poetry. A minimum of one runner-up in each category will receive $25-$50 and publication. Maximum 12,000 words for prose and three poems. Deadline April 30, 2019. 

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