Fear of success: If you never publish, you can keep believing Midnight in Paris is a documentary.
by Anne R. Allen
What is “Publishing Success?”
Our culture attaches all sorts of romantic ideas to the business of writing. Beginning writers tend to conjure up nostalgic writer fantasies like Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris reveries and ignore the boring facts of what it’s like to actually write for a living in the 21st century.
I understand why newbies don’t want to know what’s under the hood of the industry when they’re starting out. If they did, they probably wouldn’t get past page one of their first story.
So how do we define a successful writing career today? You don’t have to quit the day job and move to Paris to call yourself a success. But you do have to publish your work regularly (indie, trad, or both) and get paid something for it.
Jami Gold wrote a great post on the subject last week. She pointed out that a lot of writers have day jobs. And they’re wise to keep them.
Jami mentions the sad story of author Merritt Tierce that’s been circulating in booky circles lately. Ms. Tierce’s publishing success turned out to be a giant failure, even though she got the fabulous book contract and the rave reviews we all fantasize about. Mostly because she quit that day job too soon.
But I’m not talking about the fear that success in today’s publishing world doesn’t mean as much as it once did, or worries that writing isn’t even a real job any more, as Ester Bloom wrote at Billfold.
It’s possible to have real success as a writer today, but I agree with Bob Mayer, who wrote in response to Merritt Pierce’s article that most of us have to work a lot harder than we did a few years ago.
Fear of Success
What I’m talking about here is a more primal fear.
It’s one I suffered myself. Although if you’d told me I was fearful at the time, I’d probably have given you an icy stare and crossed you off my A-list.
I’d always wanted to be a writer, but I had all sorts of reasons for not pursuing my dreams.
I was young and wanted to have adventures. Travel! Have wildly inappropriate relationships!! Live a glamorous life in the thea-tuh!!!
All that serious writing stuff would have to wait until I was too old to remember my lines.
The truth was that although I wrote fiction from the time I could hold a crayon, and I had tons of stories, poems, and half-written novels in my files, I didn’t get any of my writing officially published until I was over forty, unless you count getting a few plays and teleplays produced.
The reason was…I never really tried.
I wouldn’t have admitted it then, but I wasn’t emotionally ready for my close-up.
Fear of Success vs. Fear of Failure.
Being scared of failure wasn’t my problem.
Failing was something I did on a regular basis. I was always quitting jobs that weren’t “a good fit.” And failing at romantic relationships was a favorite hobby. Plus I’d failed rather spectacularly at marriage.
I also failed a number of times as an actor and director.
But I moved on from the experiences and was able to learn from them.
My writing fears were different, though.
Why? Maybe because writing was what I REALLY wanted to do with my life. The rest was just playing.
I feel conflicted when I see writers who are stuck the way I was for so long.
You know the ones. Their Facebook or LinkedIn profile lists them as a “writer” but you’ve never seen them actually arranging words into sentences on a page. They might talk vaguely about that novel or poem they’re working on, but nobody ever sees it.
These days I’m spoiled because I know so many determined writers who are the opposite of fearful. I love watching them move from placing their first stories, to working on novels, to finding publishing success. They educate themselves and submit to contests and blog and are active in writing groups. Baby steps turn into giant steps and—zoom! They are on their way.
But others stay stuck at square one for decades the way I did. They’re telling the same lies to themselves, or have invented new ones.
Do You Identify as a Writer but Never Try to Publish?
In the old days, when people asked me what I did, I didn’t say “bookstore clerk/administrative assistant/whatever pays the bills and part-time actor-director-film extra and acting teacher.” I didn’t even say “I’m an actor,” although I earned money at it some of the time.
Instead I’d always say “Oh, I’m a writer.”
I’m sure I wasn’t fooling the people who were close to me. They knew I wasn’t making money from my writing. Some of them probably cringed for me.
I don’t know if was lying to myself or giving myself a pep talk. Maybe I was trying to get through to that little part of my psyche that still had the “professional writer” dream.
It’s not that I didn’t write. My drawers were full of plays and poems and stories. I was in several critique groups. But I didn’t send anything to agents or magazines or contests.
I only had a vague dream of being a writer that glimmered in some distant future.
Meanwhile, all my time and energy went into acting and teaching and running a theater and directing plays, which I found increasingly less fulfilling as I climbed the ladder to another kind of success I didn’t particularly want.
The Wake-up Call
It wasn’t until my father’s death a few days after my fortieth birthday that I got the big wake-up call.
When I heard the devastating news of my dad’s sudden death, all those clichés flashed at me in big neon letters:
“This isn’t a dress rehearsal. Life is short.”
Did I really want to be a writer? If I did, I had to make some big changes. I had to do the things anybody who is “stuck” in life needs to do:
- Ask yourself what you really want.
- Name the barriers that keep you from getting it.
- Confront those barriers and figure out how to surmount them.
My writing dreams were still in there, and I was doing some pretty stupid stuff to hold myself back.
When I see writers doing the same things, I sometimes wonder if I should say anything. But I don’t. They have to confront their fears on their own. Maybe this piece will give them a nudge.
Five Ways Writers Can Block Success
1) Never Finish Projects
I had approximately 34 unfinished novels in my files. And 87 stories and poems that were “not quite there.”
I would hardly ever polish anything. My most enjoyable writing sessions involved starting something new. Even though I was in several critique groups and loved going to writers’ conferences, I’d take notes on what needed fixing, but I wouldn’t follow through.
Sometimes I’d write a whole novel for a group, writing to please them, but I’d never focus on what I needed to do to ready the manuscript for submission.
2) Aim Too High
This is really embarrassing, but for years, when I did finish a story, I only sent it out to prestigious literary magazines and the high-paying women’s magazines, knowing perfectly well the big guys never publish anybody with no publication credits.
Then I felt justified in babbling at parties about how difficult it was to get published.
When I talk to writers now who go on about how the system is rigged and only people who know bigwigs can get published and blah, blah, blah… I ask where they’ve submitted.
They usually name only A-list publications, so I know they are sabotaging themselves for some reason. Either they fear success or failure or both.
If you think you can start your climb at the top rung of the ladder, you’re either delusional or aiming to fail.
3) Don’t Read Contemporary Bestsellers
It’s easy to fail at writing commercial fiction if you don’t read it. Because both my parents were literature professors at prestigious universities and I was Ivy-educated myself, I grew up as a literary snob. If a book wasn’t reviewed in The New Yorker, I probably didn’t read it it.
Which meant I had a whole lot more to learn than most people when I started writing contemporary mysteries.
I cringe when newbie writers say they “never read that crap on the bestseller lists” and then go blank when I ask them what they do read.
That usually means they haven’t read anything since their literature classes in college.
Of course some of those writers do read a lot, but not in the genre they’re trying to break into. Unfortunately if you only read Don Delillo and Jonathan Franzen, you’re not going to attract readers of Lee Child or Dan Brown.
Some writers only read literary authors because they’re literary writers, of course.
That’s fine, as long as they realize what it takes to break into the literary writing establishment. It tends to be a closed ecosystem.
Academic literary writers live and work in academia. They usually make most of their money teaching. They get advanced degrees, train in MFA programs, and intern at high-end literary magazines.
If you’re not part of that ecosystem, you probably need to read bestsellers like the rest of us. And even if you are, it sure helps to know what the majority of book buyers like to read.
4) Workshop Addiction
I let myself fall into this pattern for a while. There were a number of writers’ conferences in my area and I belonged to several critique groups, so I’d shop the same work around to a number of workshops. Everybody’s critiques would conflict, so I’d focus on the negative ones—and decide my work was terrible.
I became a negative criticism junkie.
The negative responses would justify putting my project in a drawer and starting a whole new book or story. Which I could then take around to the same groups, with the same results.
Another kind of workshop addict is the writer who constantly revises. He’s been taking one novel to the same writers conference workshop for 20 years. Every sentence has been rewritten 100 times. This person will always find something wrong that will keep him from publishing. (Edit—Linda Maye Adams has a horror story in the comments about a co-author who had this kind of addiction. Talk about aiming to fail!)
Then there’s the praise-seeking of workshop junkie. I’d like to think I never fell into this trap, but criticism junkies and praise seekers are equally self-defeating.
I’ve met a lot of praise seekers in my workshopping journeys. They usually wander into a critique group for one or two meetings. But they never stay.
As soon as somebody suggests that twelve-page info-dumps might not be the best way to begin a novel, or that giving all the characters names beginning with “Q” might be confusing to the reader, the praise-seeker is out of there.
The only reason he’s there is to hear his work is perfect.
Perfectionists like this usually scorn self-publishing as second-string, so they may send stuff out to agents, but they’re in no danger of being published, so they never have to confront their fear of success.
5) Be Above the “Crass” Business of Publishing
A helpful woman in one of my critique groups kept telling me to join the Romance Writers of America, but I paid no attention. I was not a romance writer. Romances were just “supermarket fiction.” I wrote literary women’s fiction, thank you very much. Who needed to hang out with a bunch of pulp writers?
In other words, I was running from success as fast as I could.
If I’d joined RWA, I would have been able to learn in a few meetings what it took me years to find out on my own about how the publishing business works.
Just recently I heard a writer complain that publishing was “rigged” because no agent would take her phone calls when she was in New York on vacation.
She hadn’t even bothered to learn the basics of the query process.
And these days you don’t have to join an organization like RWA to find out the basics of traditional publishing. You just need to do a quick Google search or glance at an agent’s blog.
Somebody like that phone-happy woman is going to fail even more miserably as an indie, because she won’t bother to find out how to get a book properly edited and formatted, or get the right cover for her genre. And of course she won’t follow Amazon guidelines and will probably buy a bunch of reviews and get kicked off the site. And she’ll keep complaining forever about how everything is “rigged”
It is. Against people who are determined not to succeed.
What Fuels Fear of Success?
1) Fear of Public Exposure
Personally, I had a lot of irrational fears of being exposed in public. I wanted to keep my private life private. That may be why a lot of beginning writers want to hide behind a pen name. (Although in the Internet age, pen names provide little privacy, and a whole lot more work.)
When an agent asked for a full manuscript, I’d often have nightmares about being on a TV talk show of the Jerry Springer variety.
- I’d have all the wrong clothes.
- Or none at all (you know the dream.)
- They’d ask me a question and no words would come out.
It was the actor’s nightmare, but ten times worse.
At the time, I was happy in the theater world where I could hide in plain sight on the stage every night. I was with people, but protected from them by costume and make-up. The person on stage wasn’t me. I was somebody else, saying another writer’s words.
I could get applause and public recognition, but nobody had to know the real me.
In my writing, however, the real me would be hanging out for all to see. This might have been partly from Imposter Syndrome and partly from being an introvert masquerading as an extrovert (which is true of many actors.)
2) Fear of Lifestyle Changes.
What if I got the big contract and had to change how I lived? I knew a few successful women authors. They had to fly all over the world and wear pantyhose and talk to corporate business people and act as if they cared about all that stuff.
Designer clothing and the life of the ultra-rich was only interesting to me as the stuff of comedy. Yes, I had relatives who belonged to the 1%, but my parents were both black sheep who had escaped that world.
Would I have to pretend to be like Camilla if my books about her were successful? I had a horror of exchanging my jeans for Versace, and my Nikes for Manolos. (I didn’t say my fears were realistic.)
My biggest fear was that I’d have to pretend to be somebody I’m not.
3) Fear of Losing Artistic Freedom
That was a biggie.
As I said, I did know actual bestselling authors. Their lives involved working their butts off while under fierce deadlines. They seemed to spend a lot of time doing stuff they didn’t want to do.
In the days before indie publishing, some writers seemed like indentured servants, bound by contract to corporate publishers and tyrannical agents.
They’d finish a book and the agent would hate the protagonist and make the author do mass rewrites. Editors would demand another rewrite. Then the marketing department would demand a major change of focus. Or the removal of a major love interest. Or a change of setting or historical period.
The only person whose wishes didn’t seem to matter was the author.
Did I want to go there? Was I strong enough to stand up for myself? (It turns out that publishing with a small press allows for a lot more freedom, but I didn’t know that. See #5.)
4) Fear that the Reality of Publication Won’t be as Cool as the Fantasy
This is where that Midnight in Paris dream kicks in. Deep down a lot of writers have that Scott-and-Zelda, Hemingway-in-Paris fantasy. I know I did.
But my conscious brain knew that if I ever got that big prize—the big book contract or the major bestseller, I’d have to face the fact that my Midnight in Paris fantasy was never going to happen. The 1920s are over. And those perfect, misty Gertrude Stein-salon 1920s never quite happened at all.
But as long as we don’t let that prize come near us, we can cling to the fantasies, and live in that Midnight in Paris dream forever.
What Do You Really Want?
When I got that wake-up call, I had to face all these fears, realize that most of them were pretty silly, forge on ahead and get serious about my career. Because that’s what I really wanted.
But not everybody does. And that’s okay, too.
Some writers don’t actually have a burning desire to become professional writers, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You may be holding yourself back because you really don’t want to go on that journey at all. There’s nothing magically fulfilling about being a working writer.
There are lots of fantastic ways to be creative, and writing as a hobby can be a very satisfying one.
If the hobbyist writer is someone you love, you may be disappointed when you realize they honestly don’t want to go pro. The hobbyist may be pretending to want publishing success for your sake. Then you’re the one who needs to let go.
Your loved one may be a happy amateur who simply doesn’t want to deal with the hassle of publishing, and if you’re a real friend, you’ll accept that. It may help to read my post on why being a hobbyist writer can be a good choice.
by Anne R. Allen (@annerallen) October 2, 2016
***
What about you, Scriveners? Did you ever suffer fear of success? Did you have that Midnight in Paris dream? Have you ever sabotaged yourself with any of these self-deluding tricks? Know somebody who does?
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Terrific post, Anne. So much is sitting down and doing the work. I think we’re all vulnerable and insecure at times. What writer I know isn’t? But your posts are a tremendous help to us all. Just keep on doing what you’re doing. It’s right on the money. 🙂 Paul
Paul–Thanks! Some writers aren’t as afraid of doing the work as they are of other people reading it. I think it’s because so many writers are introverts and they’re really terrified of the exposure success could bring.
I’m with Paul – Keep doing what you’re doing.
Thanks, Charlie!
Finishing things is important.
Louis–But if they’re finished, somebody else might read it. 🙂 If it’s never finished, you don’t have to do anything with it. That’s the secret to failing on purpose.
Missed one way of blocking success: Endless revision. Pretty much, finding yet another reason to go back and revise one more time. It’s a way of fooling yourself into sounding productive when you’re not.
Many years ago, I worked with a cowriter who had the fear bad. I was all about getting it done and getting it out. He was great in the early stages of the process, but when the end was in sight, he turned into someone very different.
At first it was subtle. He’d go back and tweak the first chapter. I kept telling him to stop doing that because he was just rearranging the words and not doing anything productive. But he kept wanting to “fix” the first chapter. When I asked him what was wrong with it–I was willing to do something on it if he could answer that question–he would claim in exasperation “I don’t know!” I’d tell him then, “How can we fix if we don’t know what’s wrong?” He said, “I don’t know.” When this didn’t work at getting me to go revise like he wanted, he’d pick fights with me. They started out as him getting angry because I was trampling over his ideas, merely because I was suggesting alternatives. It made me wonder briefly if I was, since I can be very focused, but my instincts said no.
The fight picking got worse. We’d be on break in a restaurant, and he would take a small piece of a sentence I’d said and launch into a nasty attack. I’m going, “What’d I do? What’d I say?” I found myself going solo on the queries, while he fussed and griped and stated he hated queries and wanted to network with the agents instead. I had no problem with networking like that, but we needed to do the queries, too. I was also trying to come up with ideas for the next book, and he immediately dismissed them without discussion, stating they were unworkable. By the time we went to a big writing conference, we were barely civil, and it was falling apart. When he bought a critique on auction for the book, I knew we were done. He had no intention of letting it go.
And I walked away from the relationship and the book. Hardest thing I did. He didn’t understand why. Six months later, he asked me to cowrite again. Last I heard, he was working on three novels, but I don’t think he’s writing any more. Fear is a terrible thing.
Linda–Yes! You always add so much to this blog!
I did forget that one. It sort of goes with my “workshop addiction”, but it needs more attention. I should add a note about this comment to the post. Great insight!
And what a horror story working with that partner! He was a true critique addict. You are well out of that.
Anne, thanks for writing this important post about fantasy and reality, illusion and disillusion. Another example of blocked success is the person who has written one book, gotten it published, even had a fair amount of attention, but who never writes another book, essay or short story. For them, even a taste of “success” is paralyzing. Happens more often than one might think.
Ruth–What a sad thing to get what you want and then throw it away. I’ve never personally known one of these writers, but I’ve certainly read about them.
As an editor with the Big Five, I can imagine you saw this happening more often than we realize.
I suppose when authors do see “what’s under the hood” and realize they are not living in Paris and sitting in cafes with famous painters and poets, they realize this isn’t what they want to do after all.
Or maybe they fear they can’t replicate that first book. That’s why having several books in the files before you start the process is always a good idea.
Thanks for this. I hadn’t thought about it, but it’s definitely part of the “fear of success” syndrome.
Boy this one hits close to the heart. I’m torn between wishing I could devote myself full-time to chronicling and wondering how on earth I could do any better at the stuff I can do.
Honestly, I’m a hobbyist- I think I’d have to sign for that. I’ll do what I can with my tales and hope (!) for good things, mainly as a return to my dedicated publisher who has spent and risked so much on me already. But there’s no option to leave the day-job, short of the Powerball.
In another way, I’ve already reached that pinnacle in miniature- a micro-publisher who knows the business side has come in to help me without reservation and is immune to deadline pressure, basically showing perfect confidence that sooner or later the work I’m doing will return her investment.
A friend, to put it neatly.
Not sure I’d want to change our relationship, maybe ruin it with too much success! But she will get her money back, that I promise you. As they said in Ghostbusters, everyone has a third mortgage nowadays!
Terrific post Anne, should be required reading for all of us in the middle.
Will–I think you actually ARE the definition of a successfully published author. You have a traditionally published series that’s strongly supported by your publisher. You tour and speak at conferences. You also have a strong social media presence and blog.
Yes, you have a day job. But almost all authors do these days, as Jami Gold point out in her post. This is the new “success”. It’s *&%! hard work, but if you love it, it’s what you do.
The reality isn’t as good as the fantasy. Better to know that going it.
Sad story about the author who quit her day job too soon.
I’ve never wanted the pressure that comes from writing full time. Perhaps some would call that a fear of not wanting to risk finding out if I could make it. But I’ve made enough and done well enough to take my own path and at my own pace. And I still have my day job, which I actually enjoy!
Alex–I think you are one of the big success stories, although it may not feel like it. You’ve built your career slowly and like Will Hahn, stayed with a small press rather than try to make a big splash with either the Big 5 or an indie gamble.
But that slow and steady writing routine means you can keep the books coming for your fans every year, plus your day job means your family doesn’t starve. 🙂 You also have a massive following because of your blog and the IWSG and all those writers you’ve helped on their journeys. That’s success indeed!
Anne:
What a great post. As you may know, I’ve given up writing my Blog (no excuses here) but, thank goodness I can still read yours. I never had “fear of success” syndrome because I always believed I wasn’t good enough and just kept trying to get better. But now, finally, I’m selling my cozy mysteries and they have readers who love them.
Phyllis–Sometimes something has to go. I understand letting go of the blog. If you have your fan base and you’re turning out books regularly, you’re writing successfully as far as I’m concerned. I’m not doing that very well myself. No finding the time for my fiction. Not every writer needs a blog. And I do know they can be a burden. Trying to have two of them has taught me that. 🙂 Congrats on finding your niche!
Terrific post, Anne. I do know a few of these writers, and I always try to encourage them to finish their novel to no avail. I had the opposite problem. When my first published book was released and the reviews started to roll in, paralyzing fear of disappointing those same readers set in. I convinced myself that I’d never be able to write again. How I overcame that fear was to turn to the short form. With flash fiction I was able to move past the fear and get back to novel writing. I’ll never forget that fear, though. At the time it almost crippled me.
Sue–Thanks for sharing that. I think that’s what Ruth is talking about that happens to a number of authors who are published by the Big 5, sometimes with great fanfare, never to be heard of again. They get hit by that fear–which isn’t so much fear of achieving success, but fear of staying there.
Great tip to go back to the short form. Writing flash is probably the perfect exercise for the blocked novelist, whatever the reason for the blockage. Thanks a bunch! That’s really useful.
Her name is Merritt Tierce I believe ?
Bohemian–Thanks so much! I’ve fixed it now. I know it was Tierce in the original version of this piece, but I suspect the Word autocorrect gremlins were at work. I always compose in Word before I paste into WP.
I’m just now writing something about Lucrezia Borgia and the gremlins corrected it to “Lucretia” three times. Grrr. I’m so glad you caught that!
Great post, Anne! I definitely have struggled with several of these issues over the years. I’ve written about the impostor syndrome as well because I know I hold myself back from success. It’s a sad thing, but hopefully by learning how to identify these signs, we’ll be able to overcome them. 🙂
And thanks for the shout out to my post about day jobs!
Jami–Thanks for stopping by! I loved your post about day jobs. Also your post about imposter syndrome. That may be one of the things that keeps us from success, for sure.
I read you regularly and share your posts on my FB author page. You have one of the best writer blogs around. Thanks for all you do for writers!
Hey Anne,
I saw a lot of truth in your post. I think all of us have a little bit of that fear. For me, I think it was just not believing I was good enough- that there was some magic genetic marker I didn’t have and was afraid someone would validate the truth of that.
And honestly I couldn’t tell you why but one day, like you, I decided that that was it. I would go for broke and just do it. Because being a writer was all I ever wanted to be and the only thing I wasn’t really being. If that makes sense.
I don’t think I ever had the Paris day dream – my dream was/is more modest. I just wanted to be a working writer. To hopefully someday make my living as a writer. Well, I actually do because my day job is as a freelancer. But the dream is to make a living as a fiction author. Really don’t know if it will happen but what else do I have to do? Right?
Learning about the publishing business is a heart stopper. And it probably is good for newbies not to poke that bear too much in the beginning. I’m just starting to lift the hood on that and it’s not a pretty thing. But like anything else, it is what it is and you can only do something about it by learning about it, failing, learning some more and eventually getting it right.
I think that the real secret to writing success (and that’s defined differently from writer to writer) is to persist. Yes, sometimes it sucks and you long for the days when you were waiting tables and your biggest worry was how much you’d have to tip the busboy. But nothing is easy. Not a cubicle job, rocket science or even writing the perfect facebook post.
Again, thanks for all you do. I look forward every week to reading your posts and benefiting from your experience and wisdom.
Annie
Annie–Thanks for the thoughtful comment and the kind words. Like a lot of commenters, I think you may have more of what can be considered success in today’s writing world. If freelance writing and fiction writing keep you afloat without having to pick up another job, you’re doing better than most.
Making a living as a novelist is like making a living as a poet these days–not something that happens to a lot of people no matter how hard-working you are. It’s a saturated market.
A lot of authors who were doing very well as indies a few years ago aren’t doing so well right now. And trad pub is certainly not paying the bills the way it used to as advances shrink. The only novelists I personally know who are really doing well are traditionally published with Amazon imprints. And they are a small, elite bunch.
So you may be living the dream more than you realize!
LOL! Sorry, I just spit my diet coke all over the screen. Okay, I’ll take it, I’m living the dream. In the end, we do what we love and I guess you can’t ask for anything more than that.
Late to the party here–would have missed it altogether, but insomnia’s staring me in the face.
Your post (and people’s comments) make me think of two things.
One, a “friend” (dynamics are always complicated) who has been talking about writing The Great American Novel for years. She’s never come out and said it, but she’s dropped hints here and there that she considers my books 1) not very good writing 2) not contracted with “real” publishers and 3) not “real” (read: traditional literary fiction).
I admit that it’s taken me quite a long time to let go of the implied criticism/judgment. I’m not published with one of the biggies, I’ve never hit the NYT or USA Today bestseller lists, and some of my earliest publications truly never should have found the light of day.
I think, for me, “fear of success” has really been “fear of realizing this may be the best success I can achieve.” I was part of the generation raised to believe I could do anything if I believed and worked hard enough, and I was also educated to believe that supermarket and dimestore novels were beneath me.
Then, after a few years trying to learn the romance market, I realized just how well the bestselling authors know their craft. It’s not the high literary tradition I cut my teeth on, but it’s a mixture of delivering customer satisfaction and finding something unique in archetypal narratives.
The second point was the terror at revealing my soul. Maybe all writers have it? When people slam my characters, my writing, my plot resolutions…it feels like my life in front of an impersonal jury. Even if much of the writing is not autobiographical, there’s always a bit of my soul involved. When that bit of soul gets crushed (no matter how well I’ve learned to rationalize negative reviews), it hurts. Success means more attention. And, horrors, the possibility that my family will actually read what I write. 😀
Thanks again for a wonderful post. I hope the nasty gremlins leave your blog alone.
Anastasia, I can’t tell you how surprised I was to read your line: “fear of realizing this may be the best success I can achieve”, because that’s exactly how I feel. I had already written a comment about Anne’s blog post and then went back and read some of the other comments. I found yours and “whammo” – it was my thinking written by you! Thank you for that light bulb moment.
Patti
Anastasia–This is exactly what I’m talking about. Success of the kind your friend is fantasizing about doesn’t really exist, except for three people who write for the New Yorker.
I have those “friends” too. They’ll never publish, or even finish a short story, but they will never read my books, because 1) they are about women (how could that possibly be art?) 2) they sell (ditto) 3) They’re funny (Americans believe all art must devoid of humor)
When those people call themselves “writers” I just smile and save the laughter for when I get home.
I kind of get this, even though I’m the opposite of all your ‘signs’! I’ve just self-published my 13th book, and accept the way publishing is now (ie, a business, not about creative ability), and I never write whining, bitter blog posts about the state of the industry, or talk about it, because that would achieve precisely zero – it’s a bit like moaning about the weather. I think the wise writer (or actor, artist, singer, whatever), just gets on and does the best he/she can and works with reality, not idealism. I also think that self-pubbing is the way of the future, but that’s another subject.
How I identify with the fear of success thing is something that surprised me, though. 4 and a half years ago I did a free promotion for my first two books. This was back in the days when there were only a quarter as many Kindle books as there are now, and free promotions could catapult your books into super-visibility. After the promo, the exposure took one of mine to #24 in the UK Top 100 (I mean the main chart, not an obscure genre chart), and the other to #96. I was on the front page of the Kindle site, at #1 in ‘Movers and Shakers’. And you know what? I felt a bit ‘buzzed’, yes, but mostly I just felt like hiding under the duvet. I felt exposed and scared. All I’d ever wanted, I thought, and I didn’t like it! I didn’t capitalise on it, and so that initial success simmered down, and now I’m just an average seller. But it gave me a huge surprise that I’d reacted like that – maybe I sabotaged myself on purpose by NOT capitalising on it – all sorts of people were telling me what I ought to do, and I did none of it.
Weird, huh?!
Terry–I’m with you. This is the way we publish now.
I had a little of that mixed-buzz feeling when I first saw my books climbing the charts. (Oh, those heady days of 2011-2013!) My publisher put The Gatsby Game, one of my first ebooks, on free for the first time over Christmas in 2011, and it hit the top 20 on Christmas morning and I could not swallow one bite of Christmas dinner.
Exciting times, but I know that feeling of wanting to hide under the bed!
I think I had that “Midnight In Paris” syndrome, but a two year reality check plus a disastrous relationship with ASI cured me of that headache. over the past 7 years, I’ve been plodding along with my writing, releasing stuff on average about once every 13 months or so. A slow pace for sure, but unlike the first couple of years, I make sure that it’s polished to my satisfaction (although not to the extent of that particular writer with the revision fears. I’m willing to do three, four at the max) before it’s presented for public consumption.
G. B. I think vanity publishers like ASI weaponize the the Midnight in Paris dreams and use it against authors in devious ways. “We’ll take care of everything. You just sit back and buy that ticket to Paris.” Then you wake up and you’re broke and have no sales and cartons of unedited books in your basement.
Good for you to keep going and doing it right this time.
Great post, Anne, as always – I put it up on my favorite social media website, http://www.Thingser.com, saying it was “compassionate advice”…Because that is what it is! You are a great help to your fellow writers, and especially to those who are starting out.
Though I’ve self-published 6 books, I still consider myself a newbie, largely because those books never got the success I thought (ha ha!) that they deserved. And I used a very silly pen name (Claude Nougat) that I now deeply regret. That name I was hiding behind – yes your comment about pen name is spot on! – is a name I came to hate: It didn’t reflect me in any way at all.
So I reclaimed my real name (that’s the one I use here, and now it’s on Twitter and FB and everywhere) and my real life as a non-fiction writer (I’m a trained economist, Columbia U.) I’m a Senior Editor at Impakter Magazine (mainly a Millennial audience and college graduates) – and I’m enjoying this new job enormously. But you know what? Sometimes the old itch comes on, I feel like writing fiction again…But I will never, ever self-publish again. Big mistake that: I can’t take all the book promotion that’s required. It’s just beyond me! I have nearly 5,000 followers on Twitter (real ones, I never paid anybody to give me followers, I don’t believe in using click-farms) but honestly, I’ve never had a single book sold through Twitter campaigns. And 99 cent sales don’t work the way they used to. It’s as if we’re on another planet, and all the rage around e-books has died…And we’re back into a traditional book eco-system where publishers and agents make all the calls…
Do you agree with that? I’d be curious, I would love to have your point of view. Maybe you could blog about the changes to our eco-system since the high point in 2011 when self-published authors could suddenly find deals with big publishers like Amanda Hocking…If only I’d read this article in the UK Guardian in 2012, I might never have self-published at all, here’s the link: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/may/24/self-published-author-earnings
Claude–Congrats on your new job! It sounds awesome.
You’re right about the amount of work needed to promote books right now–way more than in the heady indie days of 2011-2013, when one tweet could make 50 sales.
Bob Mayer’s post I linked to above gives a great overview of the changes in the indie world in the last year. They are massive.
I think indie authors who established themselves in the early days are still doing okay, although they’ve had a drop off in sales. But they are in specific genres: thrillers, mysteries and romance, mostly
Literary fiction never did well in indie publishing because it depends on reviews from the big, well known journals like the New Yorker, the NYT book review, the TLS, the Guardian, the NY Review of Books, etc, and they only review trad pub.
Self publishing success really depends on genre more than anything else, I think. That and your marketing skills and stamina.
My comment disappeared! Here, I’m trying again (hoping it’s not going to be a duplicate!)
Great post, Anne, as always – I put it up on my favorite social media website, Thingser, saying it was “compassionate advice”…Because that is what it is! You are a great help to your fellow writers, and especially to those who are starting out.
Though I’ve self-published 6 books, I still consider myself a newbie, largely because those books never got the success I thought (ha ha!) that they deserved. And I used a very silly pen name (Claude Nougat) that I now deeply regret. That name I was hiding behind – yes your comment about pen name is spot on! – is a name I came to hate: It didn’t reflect me in any way at all.
So I reclaimed my real name (that’s the one I use here, and now it’s on Twitter and FB and everywhere) and my real life as a non-fiction writer (I’m a trained economist, Columbia U.) I’m a Senior Editor at Impakter Magazine (mainly a Millennial audience and college graduates) – and I’m enjoying this new job enormously. But you know what? Sometimes the old itch comes on, I feel like writing fiction again…But I will never, ever self-publish again. Big mistake that: I can’t take all the book promotion that’s required. It’s just beyond me! I have nearly 5,000 followers on Twitter (real ones, I never paid anybody to give me followers, I don’t believe in using click-farms) but honestly, I’ve never had a single book sold through Twitter campaigns. And 99 cent sales don’t work the way they used to. It’s as if we’re on another planet, and all the rage around e-books has died…And we’re back into a traditional book eco-system where publishers and agents make all the calls…
Do you agree with that? I’d be curious, I would love to have your point of view. Maybe you could blog about the changes to our eco-system since the high point in 2011 when self-published authors could suddenly find deals with big publishers like Amanda Hocking…If only I’d read this article in the UK Guardian in 2012, I might never have self-published at all, here’s the link: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/may/24/self-published-author-earnings
Claude–Your comment was held for approval. Anybody who hasn’t commented on the blog since we moved to this new server gets held. It’s an attempt to fight the hackers and spammers. Since I’m in California, lots of comments had to wait a while. Sorry about that.
Interesting post, Anne. I don’t have any fear of success because I don’t think I’ll ever be in the league of Danielle Steel or Nicholas Sparks or Stephen King anyway, so I’m not worried. I’d like to sell enough books so that people recognize my name perhaps; but I’m not aiming for uber-success. The only thing that has ever freaked me out was that I’d have to do a book signing. That made my stomach turn. In reality, the authors I see doing successful signings are already well-known. And the other day I saw for the first time a famous author signing that you had to pay for a ticket to enter. WHAT? I was appalled.
Patricia–You didn’t have such grandiose fantasies to be afraid of. 🙂 And luckily, signings are pretty old school these days. Mostly people do them for the fun, not the sales. You can sell way more books with a blog tour than with an in-person book tour and it costs a whole lot less. And you don’t have to buy a fancy outfit!
Paying for a signing? I’ve never heard of that. A reading from somebody really famous, maybe, But a signing? Yikes. Was it a politician or something? I sure wouldn’t pay.
Anne, it may have been a reading, yes – and the signing went along with it perhaps. I was just surprised because I follow some of my favorite authors and I’d never seen a “buy a ticket to this” thing. WOW..
Patricia–It may be a comment on the sad state of the publishing industry. But it’s a revival of a very old tradition. Authors like Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and Charles Dickens made a lot of their money by charging money for readings. Of course they were very, very good at those readings, which also came with flamboyant lectures. They were as much showmen as authors. But maybe this is the return of an old trend.
Caught you on Smarty Pants. Love catching up with industry in the car!
Hope your hacker gets taken down by a bigger shark.
Beth–I’m glad you liked my podcast! Thanks. Yes, I hope that hacker gets hacked! Grrr.
I’m a day late reading this and am glad I remembered to tune in! So many truths in the above post, Anne. I was afraid to get my first book published because – wait for it – they might want a second! And it was SO MUCH WORK writing the first book, that I didn’t think I’d want to do it again. Especially with a deadline facing me. (12 months? wait a minute 9 MONTHS? You want it WHEN?)
Twelve books later, I’m obviously over that fear.
And I also wanted to mention that I have a friend who loves to write, but has decided he has no interest in publishing his five fantasy novels. If someone else would do all the editing, marketing, interface with publishers and readers, and just send him a cheque, that would be one thing. But he wants to WRITE. Not do anything else that is part of the deal. He seems to be content with that. Nice to see that species of writer acknowledged in these pages.
Melodie–I think that fear creates the kind of writer Ruth talked about in her comment–the one-hit wonder. She says there are a lot of them–writers who found writing one book such hard work they never want to go there again. Thank goodness that didn’t happen to you! I love your books.
I do think hobbyist writers like your friend shouldn’t be criticized if it makes them happy, but we can’t help wanting to tell them they might make a lot of people happy if they did share their work.
I remember an editing client who had a house filled with gorgeous paintings of trees. Stunning paintings she’d done herself. I couldn’t help commenting on them.
“Oh, that’s just a hobby, ” she said. “What I really want is to be a writer.”
After looking at her “novel” I wanted to tell her that as a writer, she was a brilliant painter. But I didn’t. I guess she needed that dream. But it was too bad nobody could set her straight. Those paintings were magnificent.
But maybe she could only paint that well because painting was “just a hobby.”
Anne and Melodie—IME what often stops the one-book authors is their feeling that their second book has to be “better” than the first one. Problem is, no one—least of all the writer—knows what “better” means. They think they have to top themselves but have no clue about how to go about doing so. The result is paralysis or a series of misfires as they blindly strive to achieve an undefinable goal.
Another issue around the one-book writer are those writers whose work is/has been very heavily edited/rewitten by the editor. Those writers are dependent on extensive editing/rewriting and are in deep doo doo if the editor leaves or the next book is simply un-editable.
Ruth–Thanks for the insight. Two very different dynamics going on here, with the same result.
The extensive rewrite (editor-as co-author situation) may have been what happened with Harper Lee. When “Watchman” came out, I think it became clear to a lot of us that To Kill Mockingbird was a collaboration that probably couldn’t have been replicated. It also may have been to painful for Harper Lee to see her work so heavily edited and maybe she didn’t want to go there again.
Reading this, I feel quite happy that for once, I haven’t read a post going “Oh my God, this is ME!” I’ve written for years, and when I got to the grand old age of 22, I was doing my MA (in Cinema Studies) and wondering how I could earn a few quid on the side. Someone suggested I try getting my short stories published, and I thought hey, how hard can it be?
Very, apparently.
So yeah. I was initially motivated by finance, although I suppose I was already regularly writing short stories before that. It just seemed like a win-win. Even though it took me three years to actually get anything accepted. But still. I think once you’ve had those first couple of acceptances, you kind of have to keep going, just to justify it to yourself, if not other people. After all, who wants to be a one-hit wonder?
Icy–Interesting to hear from somebody who doesn’t have the syndrome. Maybe that’s because you were interested in film, rather than publishing. (So you didn’t have that Paris fantasy holding you back. 🙂 )
As far as the one-hit wonder, do read Ruth’s reply on Melodie’s comment. She knows–she watched a lot of them come and go when she was on the editor side of the desk in New York.
Yup, I think I’ve been guilty of this. I think I’ve sabotaged my submission packages because I’ve feared the acceptance letter; I feel safe in the shadows.
Leanne–“Feeling safe in the shadows”–you’ve put it perfectly. That was me. Sometimes I sabotaged the queries subconsciously, by leaving out something crucial or misspelling the agent’s name. But I seemed to be aiming to fail the whole time.
Hi Anne,
my favorite’s “Fear of Public Exposure” — actor’s/writer’s nightmare: I can relate, even though my chances of ever being on a TV show are slim to none 🙂
I love the post, but I’m not sure I read it the way you intended to write it. I mean, you’re being hard on yourself for not pursuing your dream sooner, but all I see is a natural process of growth that takes time, and results in the realization of the dream you’ve had and pursued all along.
I believe in “To every thing there is a season…” If it hadn’t been for the “I’m a writer” pep talk, “wildly inappropriate relationships,” odd jobs…perhaps there wouldn’t have been Anne R. Allen, author?.. Just a thought.
Sasha
Sasha–You’re absolutely right that I simply wasn’t ready to be a professional writer or pursue those goals when I was younger. I was too busy having a lot of fun, even though a lot of it was “inappropriate”. Too bad I couldn’t just admit that to myself and not have to tell a lot of silly lies to myself about being a writer before I was ready.
But I would not have been a very good writer without all those failures and adventures. That’s absolutely true.
And being on television shows is mostly very boring. Not that I was on any high profile shows, to be sure. 🙂
Very interesting post, Anne…. Really enjoyed the parallel to MIDNIGHT IN PARIS…. FANTASTIC MOVIE… but yes, it is a lovely dream that will take away from the reality… I am one of those writers who is still plugging away. I have set backs, but I get back on track eventually… Time to start pushing again. Been busy illustrating a children’s book. YAY… very fun, but tons of work. At least my art, cover design, and blurbs have been published, so I still hoping for my novels and stories. We all know it’s a very long journey for some of us.
I always wanted to be an artist and actually have my degree in Illustration and interior design, but when the design market tanked in 08, I turned to a new love, writing….and let me say wrote like a madman for four years nonstop because I was out of work. But at least I learned to write again and still learning. What’s really cool is I occasionally get hired to creative edit. I have a gift for atmosphere and descriptions…. setting the stage, so to speak. SO it is an interesting journey and I am READY for success. No worries here… lol.
SO sorry to hear about the hacking maniac… we would all be devastated if something happened to your amazing blog…
Michael–Interesting that the design market dried up just as the indie book market opened up. Publishing has been going through seismic changes ever since. The one thing we can count on is that whatever is true today will be obsolete tomorrow. I get so tired of the people who go on and on preaching last year’s trends as “dogma” they’re sure will never change.
Print is coming back, it seems, and it never left us in children’s books. Congrats on the illustration job.
Visual writing is a gift, so congrats on being able to combine the two.
Midnight in Paris was so fun, wasn’t it? It was as if he was filming my dreams. Owen Wilson’s naive charm was just right for the story.
But hackers are a nightmare. They make no sense. Why not hack somebody with something worthwhile to steal?
HI, Anne,
I couldn’t agree more. Don’t these people have a life?!
I knew print would never go out… we LOVE OUR BOOKS too much!
Thanks… I am very excited about this illustration job. I will book a fantastic book once it come out… Should be out sometime next month…. such fun.. I love Folk lore and this one features Icelandic…I’ve leaned it’s such a beautiful country…
I agree, Owen Wilson was superb in the role…
One idea that you don’t mention, Anne, is that not all people who, 1. Want to be writers, 2. Work hard and complete fractured stories, and 3. Submit those stories, will find success. Some of us, after many years’ worth of effort, discover–and must admit–that we don’t own the talent necessary to attract readers. I am a member of that club, and I’m certain that I’m not alone. My particular defect is a lack of imagination. Language is okay, theme and concept come clear, but in all the years I tried I never realized an effective and meaningful ending to the stories I tried to write. My endings were hack work, and I knew it.
Folks like you, Paul and Ruth perhaps don’t realize the gift of imagination that you owned from birth and developed through hard work. Or perhaps you do understand that fact, but don’t address it because your purpose is to encourage everyone who puts the work into studying your advice. I appreciate your advice, I do, but addressing fear of success and fear of failure is not the same as addressing failure.
Anthony–I’m not sure I buy that. Good writing doesn’t come from imagination as much as it comes from observation and empathy. Stories are all around us. It’s how we tell them that matters.
The “talent” comes in writing them down in a way that makes the stories interesting to other people. That doesn’t take imagination as much as it takes careful observation and the ability to feel what others are feeling.
If what you’re writing feels as if it’s “failing” maybe you should try a totally different approach. Do something you’ve never done. Write from a completely different POV than you’ve ever used, or write a well known story that has a beginning, middle and end all mapped out, but tell it from the POV of somebody we’ve never heard from
Try Cinderella from the POV of the Prince. Who’s really in love with the Wicked Stepmother. And set it in New Jersey. Or whatever. As far from what you’ve done as possible. If you’ve been writing serious stuff, make it farce, or vice versa. I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.
You banged a lot of nails on the head here Anne. I’m sure many can relate. I could identify with much of what you said about how you procrastinated with your writing in earlier decades. It seems as though many of us determined to become writers only followed the wake-up call after 40 and fifty. So, better late than never. 🙂
Debby–I think the truth is that a lot of people don’t know what to say when they’re younger. They have to go out and have all those adventures first. Later on, we can sit back and try to make sense of it all. That’s when we’re really ready to write. Sure was true with me, anyway. Writing takes a certain amount of maturity.
Perfect post for me to read this morning. If I try to revise these first few chapters one more time I’ll disappear into a monster heap of paper! In my last revision I introduced two totally new people plus a new challenge for my heroine (romance genre), and it was all unnecessary, didn’t reveal anything new about my heroine, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum ad infinitum. Sigh.
But being 73, retired, an introvert, and a newby writer with about 7 or is it 8 novels sitting under my bed or hiding in my computer, I have no particular confidence in my abilities in writing. If you wanted a 400-500 word article on brain injuries in teenagers, or 350 word article on effective parenting or on being recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s – sure, I’m your writer. But fiction? Double-sigh as Mork would say.
Cheers – and thank you from the bottom of my heart. These blogs keep me going.
Celia–It sounds as if what you need is a confidence booster! Have you tried writing some short romance stories? Maybe you could mine some of those older novels for short pieces and start sending them to contests and magazines.
And, of course, you could write those essays on brain injuries, parenting and Parkinson’s. Creative nonfiction is a big, growing field. The Internet is hungry for content. And nonfiction is much more lucrative than fiction. It’s just as creative as writing fiction. Give yourself credit for what you do well!
As my mother said when I was in 9th grade, “One operetta does not an actress make.” And one published essay does not a writer make. It’s easy to get lost in the excitement of finally seeing a piece in print. (I know. I just let it happen to me in August.) But I am learning that to really be a writer is to send a new piece out… and not be (overly) dismayed when that piece is rejected. Sit down, look at other potential markets and send that piece out again. With the words of your post in my ears, I am heading back to my desk to do just that!
Kathryn–I often say that the difference between an amateur and a professional writer is that professionals get lots more rejections.
Congrats on getting that first piece published! That’s a major milestone! Now, as you say, you need to send out more and more and more. Catherine Ryan Hyde tells the story of how she got something like 150 rejections before she got one story accepted. Now she regularly makes the top ten authors on Amazon. Building up those callouses is part of the process. You’re on your way!
Anne — Just wanted to report in to you and your readers that I did re-submit that essay. And this time there was success. It was bought, and it ran on WHYY’s website a week later. More evidence of the value in your advice re perseverance!
Kathryn–Woot!! That is awesome. Congrats. You’ve proved it works. Rejections mean only one thing: that you’re sending out your work. People who don’t submit don’t get rejections. But they are the real failures. Keep it up!
That’s such a bummer about the hacking. Ugh! I went through that, as you know, and had to pay a web designer hundreds of dollars to fix my blog.
I read your post asking myself, “Is this true of me? Am I afraid of success?” I don’t think so. I think I’m more discouraged by a lack of it. But if any of those ring true for me, it’s the problem of aiming too high. Many of my publications feel more like failures than successes because they weren’t published by bigger newspapers/magazines/publishers. Not a great way to stay motivated to keep writing!
Bustopher/Meghan–I remember when you went through that hack and I thought “my blog isn’t that big a deal. It won’t happen to me.” HA! Our Blogger blog got hacked last year. Luckily I followed your advice and kept it backed up and we were able to move it to WordPress. No damage done except all our content was pirated to some stupid site in Brazil and for a day or two all our traffic was redirected to his ugly site. A change of password fixed that and we moved to a self-hosted WP site.
But the hackers trying to get in now are much more dangerous criminals I’m soooo lucky to have Barb Drozdowich as webmaster. She’s a gem. She and her server simply shut down the block when the “brute force” attacks reach more than 100,000 a minute. They usually stop after about 12 hours and move on. But that has happened twice. I suppose it will happen again. I have no idea why we get targeted.
I think we may have to redefine “success” in this oversaturated publishing world. So many people out there are lying. If you check the actual Amazon pages of the “I sold 10 zillion books last month” people, they’re usually selling about the same as the rest of us. They just lie in order to sell courses.
I counted my sales by the hour a few years ago. Now it’s by the week. That seems to be true of 90% of authors I know.. Some are doing great, but they’re mostly all with Amazon imprints.
The same is true of blogs. The more people claim to be able to help you get “10 million subscribers in the first week” the more sites I see offering “blog traffic for sale”. It’s all bogus. Blogs have been fading, because so many of them have inferior content or because authors have been convinced that newsletters are better.
But I think blogs will come back. Everybody’s on newsletter overload. And people would be more likely to read blogs if they didn’t have %&*! popups.
We never know what’s going to be coming down the road. This business is in a constant state of flux.
Not so much fear. More like resentment. Publishers should do the publishing, not authors. The get too big a cut for just hiring a printer. I have a lot of work published in print magazines and online. I’ve suffered, suffered, suffered from wrong advice and comments. It costs so much to be a writer, even, let alone an author. I have one book all written, another half-way. I’m doing all I can to create a tribe right now, but resent the time all of this takes from the books.
So which fear is that?
Home’s–It doesn’t sound as if you’re afraid at all. You’re just building platform and getting your ducks in a row before you publish. These days, it’s best to have at least two polished books in the hopper before you query or self-publish..
And if you write nonfiction, your blog and published articles are essential to success. Once you have a solid “tribe” (which is what they call “platform”–but I like your word better) publishers will be happy to look at your writing. Until then, nonfiction is a no-go. Yes, it’s annoying as &%!! but you really have to do all that marketing stuff or nobody buys your books–trad pubbed or indie.
It sounds to me as if you’re doing it just right.
Thanks, Anne.
Thanks for understanding. I hope I’m just being me and sometimes people like it. I think you are right, but I’m not looking at the whole picture, here. 😀
And, yes, nonfiction. Although I enjoy writing fiction and have plans…
When I’m writing, that’s when I know that I know what I am doing. It’s so fun and easy and makes me feel so confident and worthwhile.
When I’m trying to trick people into being my friend, when I’m faking a smile to make people buy stuff, I grow whiny and grumpy. Which can be counterproductive, maybe, a little? (Hurry up and put it in the buggy, stupid,” she growls softly with a half smile.)
I just want all those potential customers to leave me alone and let me write.
I just want the life of an author, not of a marketer.
I know. Having some nutty dreams.
But thanks again.
We’d all like to be able to go off to our writing caves and just write. I sure would.
Most writers are introverts and at the same time a little too empathetic. Empathy is pretty much a no-no in the marketing world. Which makes me furious–I don’t think it was always this way.
Look at the popup epidemic. Everybody hates popups, so they hit us with more and more and more. That is the work of sociopathic thinking. Marketers see us as prey, not fellow humans. They want to beat us into submission. . .
But we gotta try to market and be real at the same time. Not sell our souls. It’s a fine line, but I know authors who are doing it.