by Anne R. Allen
“Think outside the box” has become a mindless cliché these days. So many people repeat it that the meaning has mostly been lost. In fact, most people are unaware they are in boxes, so they have no particular desire to think outside of one.
But most of us are boxed in by beliefs that have been programed into our brains by our culture, families, politics, and that guy at the library check-out desk when you were ten who told you those Nancy Drew books were “trash” and you’d never amount to anything if you didn’t read the classics.
Shaming Creates Beliefs we Fail to Examine
I think shamers like the anti-Nancy Drew guy are some of the most insidious bullies out there. That’s because you usually don’t even remember them. You have no memory of that day at the library. All you know is you feel guilty when you read books you enjoy—plus you have a secret, persistent fear that you’re never going to amount to anything.
Very often a belief you’re sure “everybody knows” has come from a random shamer who once made you feel bad because of your lack of knowledge of a particular subject. It may very well be that the shamer was even more ignorant than you, or just plain wrong, but his condescending or bullying tone made you accept his statement as fact. (Remember that the most ignorant people are usually the most confident.)
The problem is that you’ve never questioned this “information” because you don’t remember the particular incident that planted that belief in your head.
It’s just there. And you think “everybody knows” it’s true.
I once worked in a bookstore where the owner asked me to put a book of Emily Dickinson’s poetry in the Romance section.
When I started to protest, she stopped me and said, “I know everybody thinks Emily Dickinson is trashy, but I love her.”
I said I loved her too and I thought the book belonged in Poetry or Literature, not Romance.
She laughed and said, “you’re worse than me!”
The discussion was over, and she made me put one of the world’s greatest poets in the section with the bodice-rippers and erotica.
“First Information” about a Subject Becomes Unexamined “Truth”
The only explanation I could think of for my boss’s behavior was that when she was quite young, some uneducated sexist moron had shamed her for loving Emily Dickinson’s poetry, so the “fact” Dickinson was trashy had become hardwired to her brain. No amount of reasoning could dislodge it. She couldn’t even hear what I said on the subject.
I say she was probably young when she heard this misinformation, because these unexamined beliefs are usually imprinted on our brains the first time we hear about a subject.
If the first time you hear about Emily Dickinson, you’re told she’s a major American poet, that’s what you will believe unless something big happens to dislodge that belief. But if the first time you hear about her, you’re told by an authoritative person (especially if they use a snarky or nasty tone) that Dickinson is “trash” you’ll believe that.
This belief becomes hardwired to your brain and a part of “who you are.” This means you’ll defend this belief as if you’re defending yourself or your family.
You don’t have to be a child when you first hear about something, but whatever you hear first about a subject—no matter what your age—will get filed in your brain as unquestionable fact if you don’t examine it or judge the source at the time of input.
For instance, if the first thing you hear about a political candidate is that he’s a successful businessman, no amount of proof that he’s a bankrupt failure will change your mind. In fact, every new piece of evidence will make you defend him more.
Researchers have discovered that when confronted with facts that negate their unexamined beliefs, most people will double down on those beliefs, rather than consider changing their minds.
So the schoolmarmish know-it-all in your first critique group who told you in a nasty tone of voice that only terrible writers use the word “was” may have trapped you forever in the mindset that “was” is a taboo word. You believe that “everybody knows” using the word “was” is the mark of a bad writer.
And until you finally ask yourself why you believe this odd pseudo-fact, your writing can’t escape that “box” you’re trapped in. (For more on the “was” police see my post “Should You Eliminate ‘Was’ from Your Writing.”)
People-Pleasers are Easily Trapped by Shaming Statements
People who want to be thought of as “nice” and strive to please all of the people all of the time can be especially susceptible to this kind of shaming.
If you have “people-pleasing” issues, when somebody makes a disparaging remark, the thing that has been disparaged may become taboo for you, even long after the unpleased person left the picture. In your mind you still need to please that person by sharing his dislikes.
I had a friend like this who inherited her parents’ house and immediately paid a lot of money to have the drought-tolerant junipers-and-rocks landscaping torn out. But she didn’t have the money to replace it. The house sat unlandscaped for years, turning into a slummy-looking mudhole. When she tried to refinance the mortgage, she couldn’t, because tearing out the landscaping had reduced the value.
I asked her why she had been so eager to pull out the perfectly fine landscaping her father had put in. She said “everybody knows tam junipers-and-rocks are awful.”
I pointed out my mom’s pricey Southern California house had the same kind of landscaping.
She thought about it a while and said she once dated a landscaper who spent the whole evening complaining about people who still had junipers in their yards.
“They’re so 1970s,” she said.
Hmm. One date with a guy who had a financial interest in shaming people who didn’t keep up with landscaping trends…and this woman had to turn her own house into a slum.
That’s because she was a prisoner of her unexamined belief that the opinions of Mr. Bad Date had value and that pleasing him was important. Also, she had probably never heard of tam junipers until he delivered his tirade against them, so the only “fact” she had about them was they were “awful.”
Writers fall into this trap all the time. Because your 9th grade English teacher had an attack of the vapors any time somebody ended a sentence with a preposition, you feel compelled to twist your sentences into verbal pretzels to avoid displeasing that teacher, even though she has probably been dead for twenty-five years.
Perfectionism is the Bully that Keeps you Locked in that Box
People who are prone to perfectionism are also likely to be trapped by this kind of shaming.
I once had a roommate who was the worst housekeeper ever. In fact, he got evicted from every place he ever lived because of the squalor. When I moved in with him, I thought the mess was temporary (we were both actors in the middle of Hell Week before the opening of a big musical.)
But I was handy with a vacuum cleaner and a mop, so as soon as I moved in, I tackled the worst of the mess. I knew I couldn’t get it spotless all at once, but I could tidy things up and clean the high traffic areas.
I thought he’d be pleased, but when he came home, all he said was “you didn’t move the couch! I can tell you just vacuumed under it without moving it. And the drapes are still filthy.”
I later found out his mother was a meticulous housekeeper. Because he couldn’t clean the house to his mother’s standards, he simply couldn’t clean it at all. The only thing he could do was criticize people who did. He was paralyzed by the belief that everybody had to clean exactly the way his stay-at-home mom did.
I had another guy drop me as a friend when I wrote a story loosely based on an anecdote he liked to tell about his family. I asked a mutual friend why. I thought the guy would be pleased that I’d paid attention to his story. He wasn’t, the mutual friend said, because he wanted to write it himself.
I protested that:
1) My story changed all the characters to women, so it was very different from the one he might tell.
2) The man had never penned so much as a line of creative writing in his life, so the thought he might want to write fiction had never crossed my mind.
“But he’s always wanted to be a writer!” the mutual friend said.
The man died recently without ever having written a word. If he did indeed want to be a writer, he took that longing to the grave—along with his perfectionism.
This guy was a textbook perfectionist. Every article of clothing he wore was perfectly pressed (including his boxers.) He loved the theater, but he’d notice every dropped line and prop that was out of place. He could find fault with the most beautifully designed costume, and you did not want to go to dinner with him afterward, because he’d always send something back to the kitchen.
I suspect he feared his writing wouldn’t be “perfect” and that kept him from writing at all.
The man probably had more unexamined beliefs than most people, but we all have them. I know I have many. But I used to have more. (Therapy helps.)
The first step to freeing yourself from them is acknowledging they exist.
The next step is allowing yourself to play and have some fun. Put yourself back in the child-like state of mind you had before you were fed all those limiting beliefs.
I was able to change my misconceptions about genre by having some fun. Because my parents were both literature professors, I had an unexamined belief that literary fiction was superior to genre fiction. This kept me writing and rewriting the same unpublishable literary novel for years. When I finally let myself write a funny mystery, my writing flowed easily. I loved to read mysteries. Why not write them?
Some writers get stuck in the wrong genre for years because of an unexamined belief in its superiority or their own lack of range.
Others might not actually want to write at all. Maybe their creativity would be better served in another medium entirely. I was in a critique group with a man who struggled with every word, and went into despair when he got less than glowing responses to his long, conflict-free pages of description. Finally he dropped out of the group. A couple of years later I ran into him at an art opening—his. He had become an accomplished painter.
He told me he’d always thought he “ought” to write and that painting was “just playing,” but the writing had become so painful, he’d decided he might as well play. That led to him becoming a painter who made a lot more money than most writers do.
Like me, he had decided to take the easy route and “have fun.” And it turned out the easy path was also the way out of the box that trapped him.
Having fun and letting yourself play can be the key to unlocking that box and freeing your creativity from the beliefs you don’t even realize are keeping you trapped inside.
by Anne R. Allen (@annerallen) April 3, 2016
***
You can always find Ruth at Ruth Harris’s Blog and I post on Fridays at Anne R. Allen’s Books, where this week I’m talking to the amazing 70 year old filmmaker who won the LA Critic’s Award last year for his very first film. Why It’s Never Too Late to Follow Your Dreams.
What about you, scriveners? Have you ever had the kind of breakthrough that painter had? Have you ever realized you were trapped by some bogus assumption or wrong-headed idea someone planted in your subconscious? What triggered the breakthrough? Did you do something fun?
***
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David Whiting was a prisoner of so many odd beliefs it was hard to tell who he really was inside that cage he’d constructed for himself. In my novel, I give him a terrible mother whose life as a servant to the ultra rich made her turn her son into a phony version of the one-percenters she served.
A paper version is available for $10.99 at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
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When Fitzgerald-quoting con man Alistair Milborne is found dead a movie star’s motel room—igniting a worldwide scandal—the small-town police can’t decide if it’s an accident, suicide, or foul play. As evidence of murder emerges, Nicky Conway, the smart-mouth nanny, becomes the prime suspect. She’s the only one who knows what happened. But she also knows nobody will ever believe her.
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Sad story about the non-writer who wanted to be a writer and never did.
I can relate a little bit with the guy who became a painter. I find music easier. Writing isn’t impossible or difficult, so I still do that as well.
I’m sure I have beliefs about things that were ingrained in me when I was younger and didn’t even realize it. The one good thing about writing is I didn’t know a lot about it when I began, so not a lot of preconceived notions. (But probably some bad writing, but that’s a whole other issue!)
Alex–It was sad. I heard he’d died about a year after the mutual friend told me he’d wanted to be a writer and all I could think was what a waste. Yeah. Sometimes not knowing much when you start can be a good thing. 🙂
How funny that you mentioned Nancy Drew! Nancy is my theme for this year’s A to Z Challenge. I loved reading Nancy Drew when I was a girl and I’m not ashamed to say it 🙂 I read lots of other types of books as well growing up, but Nancy was one of my faves.
I remember doubting myself when it came to art, but then I took an abstract painting class that was a lot of fun. I realized that I didn’t have to draw something that looked exactly like reality (or at least what people saw), but could just have a good time experimenting with colors and techniques.
if there are any other Nancy fans out there, here’s a link to my A to Z “homage” to America’s favorite teenage girl detective – http://thecynicalsailor.blogspot.com/2016/04/a-is-for-anchor-nancy-drew-investigates.html
Ellen–Great to meet another Nancy fan. I’ll go over and check out your post. I think we’re all taught limiting beliefs when it comes to creativity. Sometimes it’s from parents who want to protect us from failure and sometimes it’s from people who project their own fears on others. Good for you for taking that class!
Brilliant post! Thank you Anne. A great reminder that we have to find our Inner Renegade to be (or stay) fresh and original. Doubly—maybe triply—important when time comes for revisions and we have to re-see our plot, characters in order to hone, refine and polish them.
Ruth–You make a very good point. Sometimes our unexamined belief is that the book is done. 🙂 Or that what’s on the page is somehow sacred. We have to let go and play with the rough draft and make sure everything will make sense to the reader.
So true! Thanks Anne and Ruth for reminding us. The problem is identifying that “inner renegade” as an actual renegade! I know I can’t, I get all muddled up and scared. There’s this aspect of fear…Another thing you might want to tackle, Anne, I’d love to have your take on that!
Claude–We writers have so many fears don’t we? Fear of finishing the book, and fear of not finishing it well enough. I know writers who rewrite a book for decades and never let anybody read it. Others don’t even want to look at the thing after they scribble down the rough draft. So in a way our Inner Renegade has to rebel against ourselves.
Anne, make fear the subject of another post! I love that idea: “our Inner Renegade has to rebel against ourselves”…
Wow, Anne, this column is deeper than the Marianas Trench! VERY useful support for writers who are suffering from these long-imposed blocks (poor devils, never happened to me of course. I’m sure of it…)
One more thing about folks who say “everyone knows” or “all reasonable/intelligent people think”. That’s a crystal-clear sign of the pessimist. It’s an acid-test really- I’ve never once met one who didn’t drop some version of that line early on in the argument. Optimists, by contrast, usually say “well, I still believe” etc. because they are comfortable being alone with their opinions. Pessimists need the company. Just like that emotion, they love the company.
And I’d say it’s pretty easy to be a perfectionist or bigot and also a pessimist.
Will–Great insight about pessimists vs. optimists. I kept thinking of the Leonard Cohen song called “Everybody Knows” when I wrote this piece. One brilliant guy, but certainly a pessimist.
I like the idea that optimists are better at being alone in their opinions. People who live in an atmosphere of negativity have not only limited themselves, but they can limit the lives of the people around them. Better to be alone.
Super point made. I started to write; because, I needed to create a job from home. Then I learned, there was more to writing than I thought, the writing would take a path other than I planned, writing doesn’t pay well.
But, I found a great hobby. I may take it more serious in time. However, I have no expectations. Yes I would like to finish something and sell it. I would also like to win the big lotto and buy a yacht with a crew who would cater to my every whim including picking up dog poo without being asked. Because, it wouldn’t be a new home without my dogs.
Letting go and enjoying what I do was hard for me. I’ve always been so driven and task oriented.
Ann–“Writing books pays well” is an unexamined belief most people have, isn’t it? Until they actually try to make a living this way. Haha. But you’re right that it’s a fantastic hobby or part-time career. Yes, I guess we’d all like to live in luxury and have our every need anticipated. But I don’t think most people ever achieve that–at least after they’ve left the womb. And if we got it, would we really enjoy it? That may be another unexamined belief.
Interesting you would say that about being wealthy. I have reached the conclusion that people of great wealth are not always that lucky. You would think material things were very important. But, it is really only a small part of what makes a life worthwhile.
Ann–I have one-percenters on both sides of my family, and they certainly have the same pain and tragedy as anybody else. I write a lot about rich people who lose everything and find happiness. It’s not just a good storyline. I think it’s true. It’s terrifying to be in real poverty, but I think the sweet spot is having enough to get by but still have ambition and something to work for.
I believe that even thinking of rewards (.e.g., money, fame,etc) puts one off one’s creative game.
I used to refer to this sort of visceral understanding as the cup hooks in the cupboard. We think about the mugs & cups we hang there, but it never occurs to us to examine the cups on which they hang; such things are just there until a blog post like yours points them out. Thanks again.
CS–Great metaphor for those beliefs. We never look at the cup hooks. But we need to every so often. 🙂
Anne, I think this wonderful post goes right to the heart of introverted writers like myself. When I was ten, I had a 5th grade teacher who introduced us to poetry. We’d sit with arms folded, our heads on our desks, while he read everything from Alfred Lord Tennyson to Ogden Nash–one of my favorites– and Edgar A. Guest. I remember we had to chose a poem to memorize and recite to the class. I chose Guest’s “It Couldn’t Be Done.” Being an Irish Catholic and full of pessimistic attitudes about life that were reinforced at home and at school, I fully embraced, not the message in the poem–that the thing that couldn’t be done, COULD be done, but the title itself. It’s been a struggle but now looking back over my life and near the end of it, I realize most things I’ve attempted, I’ve been able to do. Think I should have paid more attention to the poem’s message? 🙂 Great post as usual.
Paul–I loved those little verses we used to memorize in school–I don’t suppose kids learn them anymore. Edgar Guest wasn’t a great poet, but he was a wonderful versifier. Here’s the first stanza of the poem. I remember it well:
Somebody said that it couldn’t be done
But he with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one
Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it!
Brava! You nailed it.
Yes, we’re all hard-wired, Anne. One of my closest UK writing friends is a passionate Socialist. Mention ‘Margaret Thatcher’ (a UK icon of the right-wing) and he foams at the lips. Yet he’s a highly intelligent man. Another is a fundamentalist Baptist Christian (yes, they do exist). Mention Islam and he does the same. (Ditto.)
Mention Jeremy Corbyn (the new leader of the UK Socialist party) to me, a hard-wired Tory, and I twitch like Pavlov’s dog.
Hard-wiring starts in childhood. All we can do is grow old, acquire wisdom, over-write our programing and laugh at ourselves.
‘Having fun and letting yourself play.’ Ay, that’s the essence of fiction writing. Maybe creative writers are the only sane people left in the world?
John–Political hard-wiring is probably the most dangerous. I was brought up by Lefties and I had a real education when I wrote a novel with an evangelical Republican congresswoman as a protagonist (Food of Love) I had to get into her head and learn what things set her off. It helped me look at my own knee-jerk reactions. Camilla is a lot more conservative than I am, too. So she’s taught me a lot. 🙂
Gee Anne, this blog post might endanger the careers of online writing “experts” everywhere. And that would be okay with me. I think we all have unexamined beliefs across the board, not just in writing. And your comment about people pleasers hit home with me. Being a middle child made me a real people pleaser. I still have to watch that tendency in myself. I think though to be creative and true to your own creativity, you have to understand the rules and then be willing to tell them to take a hike if the rules get in the way. I’m a big fan of fragments. Drives the sentence police crazy. Anyway, thank for this. Great observations.
Anita–Love. Me. Some. Fragments! Haha. Yeah. I give a lot of hard-line rule-keepers a tough time. And as John mentioned above, this stuff affects all aspects of our lives. Rules are great as long as you examine them. I always ask: “Who says? Cite your sources. Give me some footnotes!”
Being anonymous in the Amazon, it’s easy to believe no-one appreciates your stories. The old adage that ‘writing isn’t a real job’ haunts. I’ve ignored those ghosts but they’re persistent little critics.
With a past invaded by people-pleasers and pleasing, it’s hard not to believe the lack of book reviews is a personal dismissal. The years spent polishing a craft can feel wasted on the slow days.
But as an author I hope to please a reader, and it’s difficult to feel my writing is worthy when I blog my books into white space. I tell myself it’s early days. I’m new to blogging as I’ve concentrated on writing nine self-published novels first.
I am a big Leonard Cohen fan who grew up with Nancy Drew. Not that authors really grow-up. Like you say, Anne, we have to play.
Here is my link to my website with the invitation to blog together. http://www.veronicaknox.com
I write fictional stories with supernatural elements about the lost identities of people in famous paintings and the artists of the Italian Renaissance, missing works of art, and time travel, but my latest novel is a story of magical realism about the unknown child from the TITANIC – a story that grew for years after seeing an exhibit in a Titanic museum of baby shoes that belonged to a child lost in the sinking…
By the way, the 104th anniversary of the sinking is only days away – April 15th 1912.
Veronica–‘Reviews show whether a book is good or bad” is another belief that needs examining. We now know a whole lot of those reviews were purchased. So if you don’t purchase reviews, does that mean you wrote a bad book? I don’t think so. 🙂
Marketing and getting visible are two things writers have lots of trouble with. Social media cuts into our writing time and can make us miserable. I’m desperately trying to carve out some writing time between the blogging and social media obligations. They’re overwhelming.
Your books sound fascinating. I majored in Art History, so I love the idea of exploring the people in those famous paintings!
I “adored” this post. It took me back years ago – maybe 15 or more – when my close friend told me I should write a book. I thought she was freaking crazy. I’d gone to college and gotten my Master’s degree but I’d only written 25+ page essays and such, not a book. Years passed then suddenly I got a “bee in my bonnet” in 2009 and wrote my first novel. It took my 11-year-old daughter telling me her classmate wondered why I didn’t have a job outside the home, to kick me in the backside and take the plunge.( I guess being a full-time mom didn’t count as “work”.) Now, I’ll never look back. Thanks, Anne, for taking me down memory lane.
Patricia–People have so many unexamined beliefs about writing. Some believe all writers make tons of money. Others believe it’s not work at all. Still others say nobody can do it unless they have advanced degrees from pricey universities. They’re all wrong, but they’d have to question those beliefs and most people don’t want to do that. Truth is scary.
Congrats on following your writing dreams in spite of all the misinformation out there.
Ahhh what a thoughtful post!
I resonate with it on a personal level, as I’ve just recently decided that my house is set up for ‘normal’ people–you know, all the correct furniture in the correct rooms? And that whole thing needed to stop… I live alone, work at home, am up odd hours, often sleep on the couch, and have my work projects strewn everywhere–all while trying to maintain a ‘dining’ room, ‘living’ room, etc. So — this past week I upended the whole place and set it up to work for ME and my needs, and not what each room is ‘supposed’ to be. — And noooo, my floors don’t get waxed every week either…
I’ve spent my entire life trying to be ‘normal’ and it’s never worked — always simply makes me miserable, because my mind and POV just doesn’t fit the ‘norm’.
If you have something in your life that makes you miserable, you’re probably trying to be someone you aren’t. And who are you? Don’t ask anyone else, eh? No one knows you better than you.
Thanks, Anne, for my Sunday afternoon musing time…and hope my chuckle at the billionaire reference was appropriate.
Maria D’Marco
Tiger–Congrats on “unboxing” your house! I used to do that too. I even kept a guest room until I realized that room had “office” written all over it.
I hear you about trying to be someone you aren’t. And that goes for your writer voice, too. So many writers all try to sound the same, because they think that’s how “professionals” sound. But the real professionals know how to market their uniqueness. (Yes, that’s meant to be a subtle chuckle-inducer for those so inclined.)
‘This belief becomes hardwired to your brain and a part of “who you are.”’
It’s interesting, I’ve just read an article in The Wall Street Journal “The College of Chinese Wisdom” that basically encourages to do the same thing: have fun, let yourself play, and see what happens. It suggests that the “who you are” thing is a myth, because everything is in constant flux.
Once we realize that “who you are” is not set in stone, we become free of whatever holds us back, because we can just ditch it. And go paint, or do whatever we really feel like doing.
Great post, Anne, thank you.
Sasha–Thanks for the tip! I’ll have to check out that WSJ article. I agree 100% that the “who you are thing” is a myth. I get so annoyed when people try to excuse bad behavior by saying “that’s just who I am.” If you’re a person who can’t be bothered to be kind to yourself or others, it’s time for you to change.
It’s in the Review section, Sat-Sun, April 2-3, 2016 🙂
My mom must have been influenced by the anti-Nancy-Drew crowd. She was so vehemently against those books, I assumed they had x-rated content and never touched a one.
No kidding–I’ve never read a single Nancy Drew. And I thought all those other girls were naughty. Such a confusing life! Ha! The question is: Will someone who never read Nancy Drew be able to write well?
Thanks for an interesting post.
Katharine–Both my parents had Ivy League PhDs and taught literature on the university level. I was not allowed to even look at the Nancy Drews in the library. I had the same thoughts–those books must be seriously smutty. But I went to summer camp. Where it rained a lot. And I read every single Nancy book I could get my hands on. I loved them! (Although I was a little disappointed at the lack of smut. 🙂 )
Tsk tsk!
So, do you think I should try to find me some and thereby become better able to finish my latest, or something? 😉
I’m not sure Nancy has power to change the past. 🙂 But reading some contemporary compulsively readable “trash” may help.
Hi Anne
Sorry to hear the WordPress migration didn’t work for you. Such a hassle and all the work & costs involved. I’m a big fan of the WP platform and find Blogspot too constraining. But any migration like that can be a headache, not to mention a major traffic hit, etc.
Please do keep your domain though. You can point it at blogspot meantime. You want to keep your options open and having a domain based site is superior long term. You don’t want to be tied to a platform.
Loved the article. Life may be a learning experience but it’s also an unlearning experience. 🙂
David–Great line “Life is also an unlearning experience”–so true.
If I were younger and more tech-inclined, I’m sure the WP thing would have worked out But right now it’s too stressful. And I lost a lot of my Blogger readers. I will no doubt lose more readers when we move back, but I need to have time to write. This blog is a labor of love that doesn’t pay a dime, so having it hemorrhaging money and taking all my time didn’t make sense.
Your post made me laugh. I hate the anti-Nancy Drew guy. He probably just didn’t want to see girls forge their own paths. And I worry about your friend. Was she ever able to re-landscape her yard?
The “everybody knows” that I struggle with is appropriation. Everybody knows a white writer has no business writing non-white characters, i.e., appropriating someone else’s story. A journal editor called me on appropriation once, and I think of it guiltily every time I take up my pencil. (Hasn’t stopped me from doing it though.)
Deb–I have no idea if she ever landscaped her yard. I hope so. It was a cute little house.
Oh, don’t get me started on the “inappropriate” stuff. My first novel, Food of Love, is full of racially and sexually diverse characters, and I was told by lots of agents it was inappropriate for me to write about anybody who wasn’t exactly like me. I finally found a publisher in England, where political correctness hadn’t taken such a firm hold. But these are the same people who complain there’s not enough diversity in literature. If Shonda Rhimes can create Dr. McDreamy and Mellie Grant, why can’t I write diverse characters? It makes no sense. Write inappropriately!
This is a post I needed to read. I’ve been working on a story and been struggling with it because it doesn’t fit easily into the romance genre. There is a love story, but the focus is more on one character over the other. I’ve been struggling with what I should do about it, and the other day did ask myself why did I have to make it fit easily into romance? I generally don’t do things the easy way when it comes to genres (novella series with both gay romances and straight romances. Try marketing that to fans who tend to like one but not the other!) Thanks for this.
Patricia–Writing Romance is like writing a sonnet. Everything is very carefully prescribed. But “Women’s Fiction” allows for almost anything–from rom-coms to serious literature. I personally much prefer Women’s Fiction to Romance, because it surprises me. (I have gay and straight romances in all my books, too. It may limit my audience, but I’m writing about the world I actually live in.)
Oh, that inner critique! The one that says, “you’re only good at writing trashy comedy novels – why don’t you write something *important*?” I have a feeling that if I were a literary writer, some voice would say, “this is all very nice and self-indulgent, but why can’t you write something that actually makes *money*? Thing is, all those inner voices are outer voices I’ve heard from other people. Tuning out the right people is the answer. I’m still learning to do so.
Melodie–Oh, those nasty voices! Learning to silence them takes a lot of work. You have to figure out who put that voice in your head in the first place, and then learn how to evict them permanently. Sometimes it means evicting a real person. Before I could have success with my writing I had to surgically remove several Negative Nellies and Energy Vampires who were reinforcing all my own insecurities and sucking away all my time and energy
Thanks for this — so many people are held back by limiting beliefs or unspoken societal rules. Posts like this encourage us to examine why we have certain beliefs to see if they serve us or not. I’m guilty of so many of the things you list, but I’m working on changing them!
Coreena–We all have to be constantly vigilant. We hear something from a trusted friend and it’s true. But where did the trusted friend hear it? In the Internet age, we need to verify everything. We live in an era when facts are falling by the wayside.
Yes indeed, “letting yourself play can be the key to unlocking that box and freeing your creativity.” I wouldn’t say “can be”; I’d say “is.” Even for writers who plot as meticulously as architects, as that is their form of play.” Play is invigorating.
Steve–You’re right. I stand corrected. Creativity must happen in a “play” environment. Anything that happens in a repressed, boxed-in environment is going to be derivative and ordinary.
Love this post, Anne, and it is spot on from a psychological standpoint. Those early/first messages get in there and they are so, so hard to uproot. Thanks for addressing this issue!
Kassandra–It’s so true about “first messages” and most people have no idea they’re being “imprinted” with misinformation. I’ve even had somebody quote *me* as an authority not to be questioned, when I’m trying to explain that I was wrong, or things have changed since I gave that “first information.” Brains tend to be awfully inflexible.
I think our primitive predecessors needed to learn quickly and always remember both what they learned from their own experiences and what their elders told them about which animals, people, wild berries, etc. were safe and which weren’t. Survival of the fittest favored those with good memories, and sadly those with more rigid thinking. There’s also the problem of “source amnesia.” You remember the info but not where you heard it. If it was from an iffy source, you’ve long since forgotten that (or if it was from the same person who is now telling you something different, you may not realize that either 🙂 )
Kassandra–Thanks for the insight. You’re right.I think evolutionary psychology does explain why this was necessary for our ancestors.. But in the age of advertising and manipulative “news” reporting, it can work against us, big time. Great point.
Thanks for another great post, Anne. I did have one experience with an unkind librarian as a child and it has stuck with me, so I can relate to the story you shared at the beginning of your post. Now, thanks to self check-out at the library, we miss out on any unfriendly or friendly opinions from others on the books we check out (although dialogue with librarians can make for great writing material–as you just showed). Also, for those who need inspiration on how to play, check out Stephen Jepson’s website. At 74, he stays fit and creative by living out his theory of “Never Leave the Playground.”
Tina–Most librarians are wonderful people and great resources for children (and adults) so I think it’s sad we’ve lost them to self-check-out, but every so often there was a bad apple.
“Never Leave the Playground” sounds like a fantastic piece of advice. I’ll check out Stephen Jepson’s site.
I don’t think I had any preconceptions/beliefs that held me back as a writer. I think the erroneous beliefs never had a chance to take hold ’cause I started living at the public library when I was a lad in the single digits age bracket (which makes roughly 40+ years spent at the library).
I think the only annoyance I had to battle through was a lot of naysayers saying that I couldn’t string two words together to make a sentence. Well, lo and behold, some five years after those comments were made, I had my first book traditionally published. In the acknowledgment section, I actually wrote a lovely “up-yours” to those people who said I couldn’t string two words together.
GB–That’s a great argument for libraries and also for evicting the naysayers from your life. Congrats on freeing yourself from that bad information and proving them wrong!
It’s so sad when fear stifles someone’s creativity, but it happens all the time. Thank you for another excellent post, Anne. You never fail to inspire.
Sue–Fear stifles so many things doesn’t it? Fear-based people not only give away their creativity, they give away their freedom. Examining the sources of our fears is the first step to freedom. (And turning off the news occasionally.)
After reading your post, Anne, I feel energized …. as if I just finished the greatest session with a support group. I try not to ” ‘should’ on myself,” but there are times, especially when I’m discouraged, it’s easier to stay safe and stuck instead of striking out in new directions. Many thanks for the reminders and encouragement!
Cat–It’s all about examining our “shoulds” isn’t it? Everybody is imprisoned by “shoulds”. Some people are completely paralysed by them. It’s always good to ask “who says,” and “why?”
I can relate to a lot of this. Ingrained beliefs are hard to dispel. I think I am dealing with one now that I really need to get a handle on. I have recently started to make some “extra” money with a small business adventure. I keep losing it. I lost $140.00 dollars on the plane when my purse fell to the floor and I didn’t take the time to look carefully for what might have fallen out. I accidentally gave the man at the tire store an extra $100.00 bill and didn’t realize it until I got home. I am beginning to wonder if I have a belief that I don’t deserve to have “extra” money. Or that others deserve it more? Thanks for this post that covers so much more than just writing.
Christine–What a perfect (and sad) example of an unexamined belief that is controlling you without your conscious knowledge. If someone/thing imprinted you with the false belief that you shouldn’t be successful, then subconsciously throwing away the fruits of that success makes psychological sense. Now you have to evict that idea from your brain forever. You might try repeating some affirmations about deserving success. Best of luck and congrats on your business success!
I chuckled all the way through this post, from this statement onward–“In fact, most people are unaware they are in boxes, so they have no particular desire to think outside of one.” The Emily Dickinson anecdote had me loling. Anyway, now that I’ve settled down I should think about some of my wrong beliefs. I’m not sure what they are though. Time to go play!
Karen–We all have them, but some people have more than others, that’s for sure. Glad I gave you a chuckle or two.
Anne, I was off for a while and missed a post or two. Why are you moving back to Blogger? I hope the move is smooth, whatever the reason. This is a fantastic post. I used to be a literary snob (I sympathized with you) until I started writing myself. The fact is, all types of writing are difficult, no matter what the genre, because they all involve knowing how to tell a good story and understanding how to reach an audience. The other fact is, I’d always enjoyed reading all kinds of books, but I once took a class on literary writing, and I think I was brainwashed. When I finally left, it was like waking from a witch’s spell. I could breathe again. 🙂 Thanks so much, and good luck with the move!
Jan–I’m hoping the move won’t be as painful as the last one. This site is too big and expensive and time-consuming and leaves me no time to write. I’ve never enjoyed tech, so it’s just not my cup of tea. I don’t care about having a million choices of font sizes and share buttons. For me, less is more. I think I’m a boutique person in a Big Box world. Ha!
“Waking up from a witch’s spell” is a great analogy. I grew up in that literary snob Ivy-League world and those people were all so eager to trot out their knowledge and snobbism. I could do it with the best of them, in several languages (including Latin and Greek.) But I hated being around those people. If your only way of having fun is putting other people down, you’ve got a sad, sad little life. I’m so glad I escaped.
I’m so not a tech person, and prefer the boutique mentality, so I’m with you there. I was very uncomfortable in that class, so I was glad to escape as well. I love genre stories (especially paranormal and fantasy). They’re fun. Period. Enjoy the rest of the week! 🙂
Great advice for writing, but even more so for life. Thanks, Anne. I’m off to find a fanatical right-wing conservative, and give them a hug. At least, that’s what I heard you saying….
Tara–I’m not sure I’d advise you to hug a Trumpster. But you might challenge them to some Jello wrestling. 🙂