A creative writing teacher has to deal with a lot.
By Melodie Campbell
It all started in 1992. I’d won a couple of crime fiction awards, and the local college came calling. Did I want to come on faculty and teach in the writing program? Hell, yes! (Pass the scotch.)
Over the years, I continued to teach fiction writing, but also picked up English Lit, Marketing (my degree) and a few odd ones, like Animation and Theatre. Such is the life of an itinerant college prof. (Pass the scotch.)
Twenty-four years later, I’m a full-time author. Except for Wednesday nights, when I put on my mask, don a cape, and turn into SUPER TEACH! (Okay, ‘Crazy Author Prof.’ Too much time alone at a keyboard can be scary. (Pass the scotch.)
Recently, a jovial colleague asked me if I was a good teacher or an evil one. I’m definitely on the kind side of the equation. The last thing I want is to be a Dream Killer. But even the kindest, most dedicated writing teachers can get frustrated. So when Anne suggested I rant on these pages, I gracefully accepted. (With the sort of grace that might be associated with a herd of stampeding mastodons.)
So here are my top ten peeves as a creative writing teacher:
THE OBVIOUS
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“I Don’t Need no Stinkin’ Genre.”
In addition to basic and advanced writing skills, I teach the genres in my course. Meaning, we deconstruct each of the main genres of fiction (mystery, thriller, romance, sci-fi, fantasy, horror, western, literary…etc.) to see what publishers expect. This is particularly important when it comes to endings. Mickey Spillane said those famous words: “Your first page sells this book. Your last page sells the next one.”
Most publishers categorize the books they accept into genres. Most readers stick to a few genres they like best for their reading pleasure. So it stands to reason that if you can slot your work into an already active genre, you have a better chance of getting published and read.
Many students refuse to classify their work. They feel it is ‘selling out’ to do so. (Yes, I’ve heard this frequently.) They don’t want to ‘conform’ or be associated with a genre that has a ‘formula.’ (One day I hope to discover that formula. I’ll be rich.)
So I often start out with half a class that claims to be writing literary fiction, even though not a single student can name a contemporary literary book they’ve actually read. (Pass the scotch.)
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The Memoir Disguised as Fiction.
These students have no interest in writing fiction. They really only want to write one book ever, and that is their life story. But they know that memoirs of unknown people don’t sell well, so they’re going to write it is a novel. Because then it will be a bestseller.
Here’s what I tell them: What happens to you in real life – no matter how dramatic and emotional it is for you – usually doesn’t make a good novel. Novels are stories. Stories have endings, and readers expect satisfactory endings. Real life rarely gives you those endings, and so you will have to make something up.
If you want to write your life story, go for it. Take a memoir writing class.
(Or if you want to turn real life into readable fiction, here’s a great post from Ruth Harris on the subject.–Anne)
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“My Editor Will Fix This.”
Students who think that grammar and punctuation are not important drive me batty.
Hey, someone else will fix that. They even expect me – the teacher – to copy-edit their work. Or at least to ignore all seventeen errors on the first page when I am marking. (*hits head against desk*)
I should really put this under the ‘baffling’ category. If you are an artist or craftsman, you need to learn the tools of your trade. Writers deal in words, and our main tools are grammar, punctuation and diction. How could you expect to become a writer without mastering the tools of our trade?
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The Hunger Games Clone.
I can’t tell you how many times students in my classes have come determined to rewrite The Hunger Games with different character names on a different planet. Yes, I’m picking on Hunger Games, because it seems to be an endemic obsession with my younger students.
What I’m really talking about here is the sheer number of people who want to be writers but really can’t come up with a new way to say things. Yes, you can write a new spin on an old plot. But it has to be something we haven’t seen before.
There are just some plots we are absolutely sick of seeing. For me, it’s the ‘harvesting organs’ plot. Almost every class I’ve taught has someone in it who is writing a story about killing people to sell their organs. It’s been done, I tell them. I can’t think of a new angle that hasn’t already been done, and done well. Enough, already. Write something else. Please. Leave the poor organs where they are!
THE BAFFLING
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The Preachers: students who write to teach other people a lesson.
And that’s all they want to do. Akin to the memoir-novelists, these students come to class with a cause, often an environmental one. They want to write a novel that teaches the rest of us the importance of reuse and recycling. Or the evils of eating meat.
Recently, I had a woman join my fiction class for the express purpose of teaching people how to manage their finances better. She thought if she wrote novels about people going down the tubes financially, and then being bailed out by lessons from a friendly banker (like herself ) it would get her message across.
All noble. But the problem is: people read fiction to be entertained. They don’t want to be lectured. If your entire goal is to teach people a lesson, probably you should take a nonfiction course. Or here’s a novel 🙂 idea: become a teacher.
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Literary Snowflakes: students who ignore publisher guidelines.
“A typical publisher guideline for novels is 70,000-80,000 words? Well, mine is 150,000, and I don’t need to worry about that because they will love it. Too bad if it doesn’t fit their print run and genre guidelines. They’ll make an exception for me.”
I don’t want to make this a generational thing. Okay, hell yes – maybe I should come clean. I came from a generation that was booted out of the house at 18 and told to make a living. ‘Special’ wasn’t a concept back when we used slide rules instead of calculators.
Thing is, these students don’t believe me. They simply don’t believe they can’t write exactly what they want and not get published. And I’m breaking their hearts when I tell them this: Publishers buy what readers want to read. Not what writers want to write.
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Students Who Set out to Break the Rules.
There are many ways to tell a story. We creative writing teachers have some rules on viewpoint, and we discuss what they are, the reasons for them, and why you don’t want to break them.
Then we discuss why you might WANT to break them. Apparently, this isn’t enough. (*sobs into sleeve*)
I have some students who set out to break every rule they can think of because they want to be different. “To hell with the readers. I’ll head-hop if I want. And if Gone Girl has two first person viewpoints, my book is going to have seventeen! No one will have seen anything like it before. They’ll think I’m brilliant.”
Never mind that the prose is unreadable. Or that we don’t have a clear protagonist, and thus don’t know whom to root for.
e.e.cummings did it. Why can’t they?
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Students Who Don’t Write.
They love the class. Never miss a week. But struggle to complete one chapter by the end of term. Not only that, this isn’t the first fiction writing class they’ve taken. They specialize in writers’ workshops and retreats.
It seems baffling, but some people like to hobby as aspiring writers. They learn all about writing but never actually write. Of course, we veterans can get that part. Writing is work – hard work. Writing is done alone in a room. In contrast, learning about writing can be fun. That’s done in a social environment with other people.
THE ‘I COULDN’T MAKE THIS UP’
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Creative Writing Teachers Who Steal our Material for their Own Classes (*removes gun from stocking*)
Not kidding. I actually had an adult student come clean about this. By class seven, he hadn’t done any of the assignments, and admitted he was taking the class to collect material to use for the high school creative writing class he taught. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.
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Students Who Don’t Read.
This is the one that gets me the most. Last term I did a survey. I asked each student to write the number of books they had read last year on a small piece of paper and hand it in. I begged them to be honest. They didn’t have to write their names on the paper, so I would never know who had written what total. Here’s the tally of number of books read;
- Highest number by one person: 26
- Lowest number by one person: 0-1
- Average: 7
Yup, I’m still shaking my head over that low. He couldn’t remember whether he’d actually read a book. (How can you not KNOW?)
And these people want to be writers. *Collective groan* Why – will someone please tell me why anyone would want to be a writer if they don’t read books?
To be clear here: I read 101 novels last year. I read for one hour every night before I go to bed, and have done so for years. That’s seven hours a week, assuming I don’t sneak other time to read. Two books a week. And that doesn’t include the hours I spend reading students manuscripts over three terms.
If reading isn’t your hobby, how can you possibly think you can write? Why would you want to?
By this point, you are probably asking:
Hey Teach! Why do you do it?
As this term draws to an end, I decided to ask myself that question: why be a creative writing teacher? Then give myself a completely honest answer. Here goes:
It’s Not the Money.
Hey buddy, can you spare a dime? Part time profs in Canada are poorly paid. I’m top rate, at $47 an hour. I’m only paid for my time in the classroom (3 hours a week). For every hour in the classroom, I spend at least two hours prepping and marking. We don’t get paid for that. At end of term, I spend several days evaluating manuscripts. We don’t get paid for that either. This means I am getting paid less than minimum wage. So I’m not doing it for the money.
It’s Not all Those Book Sales.
When I first started teaching, an author gal more published than I was at the time said a peculiar thing to me: “Be sure you enjoy teaching because aspiring writers don’t buy books.” At first I was puzzled, but then I started to understand what she meant. Students are here to learn how to make their fiction better. That’s their focus. They really don’t care about what their teacher has written.
So why the heck do you do it, Mel? That’s time you could invest in writing your own books…
It’s Vegetables for Authors: It’s Good for Me.
Let me explain: It takes me back to first principles.
I teach all three terms. Every four months, I am reminded about goal/motivation/conflict. Three act structure. Viewpoint rules. Creating compelling characters. Teaching “Crafting a Novel” forces me to constantly evaluate my own work, as I do my students. In other words, it’s ‘vegetables for authors’ – good for me.
It’s the People.
By far, the most valuable thing about teaching a night course year after year is it allows me to mix with people who would not normally be part of my crowd. Adult students of all ages and backgrounds meet up in my classrooms, and many are delightful. I’ve treasured the varied people I’ve met through the years, and keep in touch with many of them.
Getting to know people other than your own crowd (in my case, other writers) is extremely valuable for an author. You’re not merely guessing how others different from you may think…you actually *know* people who are different. This helps you create diverse characters in your fiction who come alive.
As well, you meet people from different professions…doctors, lawyers, salespeople, bank officers, government workers, labourers, grad students, Starbucks baristas, roofers, police, firefighters, chefs, paramedics. I have my own list of people to call on, when I need to do research.
It’s Good for my Soul
I’m paying it forward. Believe it or not, I didn’t become an author in a vacuum. I had two mentors along the way who believed in me. Michael Crawley and Lou Allin – I hope you are having a fab time in the afterlife. Hugs all around, when I get there.
Students take writing courses for all sorts of reasons. Some take it for college course credit. Some take it for interest, as they might take photography or cooking classes. Others need an escape from dreary jobs, and a writing class can provide that escape, if only temporarily. But many actually do hope to become authors like I am. When I connect with one of them, and can help them on their way, it is magic. There is no greater high.
No question, my life is richer through teaching fiction writing, even if my bank account is not.
You can help Melodie’s bank account by buying her humorous books, like The B-Team. This will keep her from writing dreary novels that will depress us all. (Pass the scotch.)
by Melodie Campbell (@MelodieCampbell) February 11, 2018
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What about you, scriveners? Have you ever taken a writing class? Did you drive your teacher nuts with any of these things? (I know I was guilty of several…Anne) Have you ever taught creative writing?
If you’re in the area of the Central Coast of California on Tuesday, February 13th, you can meet Anne in person. She’ll be talking to the SLO Nightwriters about “How a Blog Can Benefit Any Author’s Career.” The meeting will be in San Luis Obispo at 11245 Los Osos Valley Road at 6:30 PM. FREE!
About Melodie Campbell: The Toronto Sun called her Canada’s “Queen of Comedy.” Library Journal compared her to Janet Evanovich.
Melodie Campbell has won the Derringer, the Arthur Ellis Award, and eight more awards for crime fiction.
In 2015, Melodie made the Top 50 Amazon Bestseller list, sandwiched between Tom Clancy and Nora Roberts.
She is the former Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada. You can find her at www.melodiecampbell.com
You can help Melodie’s bank account by buying her humorous books, like The Bootlegger’s Goddaughter. This will keep her from writing dreary novels that will depress us all. (Pass the scotch.)
BOOK OF THE WEEK
Brand New from Melodie Campbell!
The B-Team: The Case of the Angry Ex-Wife
They do wrong for all the right reasons…and sometimes it even works.
Perhaps you’ve heard of The A-Team? Vietnam vets turned vigilantes? They had a television show a while back. We’re not them.
But if you’ve been the victim of a scam, give us a call. We deal in justice, not the law.
We’re the B-Team.
Available in ebook and paperback
Great post, Melodie (& Anne) — Your writing student faux pas that resonates most with me (& most astounds me) is the student who doesn’t read. I’ve been part of the writers’ world for decades now (ouch) & I have met countless “writers” who either don’t like to read or claim they don’t have time to read. How many basketball players never watch a game? How many musicians never listen to others play music? Oy gevalt.
CS, that is a brilliant comparison: the musician who never listens to others who play music. Thanks for commenting!
Melodie—Thanks for a super post. I’ve never taught or even been tempted. Why? Slogging through the slush pile as a young editor at Bantam almost did me in so even the *thought* of teaching was a bridge too far. (Pass the chablis.)
Ruth, I can just imagine trudging through the slush pile. To do that, as your full time job, eight hours a day, is a total step beyond (okay, a mountain) what I do with fifteen-twenty students a term. Kudos to you, friend!
Simply marvelous, Melody. It’s so fun to read this until I catch myself realizing how real and accurate it all is. Your list of things that make your teaching fun apply to nearly all teachers I can think of, at least those who are worth it.
I wonder how it is that Hunger Games struck such a powerful chord? I’ve seen the movie, not read the book yet, but it seems so elemental, classic, hitting all the big strings on the harp, etc. Perhaps it was the style of the writing, and I shouldn’t guess ahead of doing my homework, but if you know please share. I’m guessing the essential elements of a huge sacrifice, and the endless ride of threat where our MCs have so close to zero control over what happens to them, just enough to govern how they behave, and that ends up giving them power. That’s what I drew from the video version anyway.
Will, I think it came at a pivotal time in the lives of many of my twenty-somethings. It featured a world where adults were bad, and young people were the heroes. If you were a young person at the time this came out, maybe it resonated with you. Perhaps it might compare to the protest songs of the 1960s/70s?
Thanks so much for your kind comments. I got my start writing comedy, and I’m glad some ‘lightness’ shone through the rant 🙂
As a millennial, allow me to shed light on the Hunger Games thing. Hunger Games managed to hit a lot of nerves for my generation.
It came just as we were entering the real world amid a slowly recovering economy, saddled with inordinate amounts of student loans. Having the villains be the rich and corrupt really spoke to readers who were feeling as broke as Katniss.
It addressed the evils of reality television – to a generation raised in the era of “put everything on TV to shock and entertain,” it was an opportunity to feel morally superior by recognizing the problematic nature of such entertainment. Look no further than the number of thinkpieces published about how anyone who enjoys the movies/merch/etc is a terrible Capitol person by ignoring the Message of the books.
It was also a backlash to Twilight by presenting a female lead who was viewed as feminist, and begat the trope of Strong Female Character. For a generation that related to Hermione Granger and disdained Bella Swan, this was a dream come true. Bonus points for the part where Katniss can’t be bothered with boys because she has a world to save.
Honestly, if Collins had managed to write a halfway decent conclusion, Hunger Games would be as seminal a work for us as Harry Potter. Instead, most people forgot about it, but the creative writing types (the ones who think they “get” the last book where the rest of us mere mortals don’t understand the genius) are still all over it, but convinced they could write a YA dystopia slightly better than Collins.
Anyway, just my two cents. I like the first two books well enough, and prefer the movies, but that’s been my circle’s experience with Hunger Games.
Irvin–Wow. Thanks for your fascinating and insightful comment. This makes perfect sense. I see how Katniss’s impoverished country stands for Millennial-Land, and what a powerful statement the book makes about the insanity of reality TV.
I only read the first book, so I didn’t realize that the story wasn’t resolved adequately in book three. That’s the perfect spark for writers who think they can do better. Thanks so much. This is a revelation to me. I’m sure Melodie will be very interested, too.
I think a lot of these writers look at a best selling novel, pick apart the commas and the “grammatically incorrect” sentences, sneer at how badly written the book is, and decide they can do better. Even newbies are not exempt from this. I used to see best selling writers show frequently on writing message boards, and not one person tried to figure out why the books sold well. They were focused on how terrible they thought the sentences were! It was “Hmmph! How can he/she be a best selling writer with such horrible sentences.”
Selling out by writing genre? That’s someone who doesn’t read much. They’ve heard that literary is the elite stuff, and that genre is for the masses…and yet, probably couldn’t name a genre title either.
But I do get how HG shows up, especially if they’re young writers. It’s common for young writers to imitate because they want to write stories like they’re reading. I started writing when I was eight, and I had a lot of that. I did a girl detective like Nancy Drew and imitated a few TV shows. Some writers will slide openly into fan fiction. A friend says that it’s much easier writing someone else’s already created characters than creating your own. I disagree as the writer today; I might not have when I was a teenager.
Linda, you make a very good point about imitation. I’ve even heard from some young students that the books and series they loved came to an end. They want to continue them if the author won’t. So they attempt to write something close to it, so close that it doesn’t look original. Thanks for commenting!
Melodie, I really enjoyed this. Thank you, and why didn’t I know you write comedic mysteries and that you are Canadian? This fellow Canadian is going to go find your books. Thanks again for the fun read. I don’t teach, but I can imagine it, being just like that. Pass the Scotch!
Eve, thanks so much for commenting! I’d recommend The Goddaughter series if you are looking for comedy. It’s comic caper, about a mob Goddaughter from Hamilton (The Hammer) who doesn’t want to be one. If we ever meet in person, let’s share a wee dram.
ARGH! I hit save too soon. I meant to thank you for looking up my books. And hope that you enjoy them. Where were my Canadian manners?
Writing is hard work. Teaching is hard work. But what a boost when you succeed at either 😀
So true, Nancy. And as a teacher, you know it.
What a fun post! I’ve taken writing classes and been in online writing groups, and I recognized some of the types of students. I never drove any teachers batty, ahem. And no, that’s not why I write under an alias. I mean pen name.
You took the words right out of my mouth (so THAT’s why you’re using a pen name now!) Folks, Ginger Bolton is a successful writer of cozy mysteries. But you’ll never hear it from me.
Whoops – that didn’t come out right! I meant, “you’ll never hear who she really is, from me” – grin. (*slaps side of head*)
Too much scotch…..
This is vintage Melodie Campbell – part of me is laughing at the light-hearted tone and the other part of me is nodding in agreement with everything she says! A great read!
Joan, most of me is vintage now. Vintage starts at 50, right?
Melodie, maybe I shouldn’t be nosing in on this, but I just love every book you write and with your sense of humor, I can’t believe these people you are trying to help are so clueless! And no, I don’t think vintage starts at 50, try 79, I’m looking forward to 80 just because its easy to remember! LOL
Damn! Well there goes my idea for an organ harvesting novel, didn’t know it was a saturated market. I was going to title it Lend Me Your Innards 😀
Robert, with that title, I might just read it! grin. Thanks for commenting!
You’re welcome, Melodie! I was also considering The Offal Truth.
Replyingto Robert Kirkendall and his titles: Groan!!!!!
I’d read the Offal Truth – but it better be funny!!
Ha! Funny all around.
Thanks Lex!
Thank you, I’ll check out the Goddaughter series. Slàinte!
You’re right – it is a generational thing. And Millennials think they are all special, all entitled, and always win.
Some of those are hard to believe people are that thick-headed. But hey, you can’t make this stuff up, can you?
I see my role as one to give them the facts gently, Alex. I love their enthusiasm and the last thing I want to be is a dream killer. I suspect movies have given people a wrong idea about what it’s like out there, to be a writer. So many shows that feature writers show them getting a big contract with their very first book…
Well, at least I’m not guilty of that! I probably sometimes read when I ought to be writing!
I’m guilty of that too, Tricia!
Sorry, my previous comment was supposed to be replying to the poster who commented on would-be writers who don’t read.
Thanks, Melodie, for this humorous (humorous at least partly because it’s true) and very interesting post.
My pleasure, and thanks for leaving this comment, Tricia!
I had no idea organ harvesting was such a thing, Melodie. I’m supposed to be a harvester of trends. How did this zeitgeist pass me by?! Obviously my heart just wasn’t in it (sorry)
Or…we could just celebrate with a (wait for it) Harvest Festival? (ouch) (only for you, Tara)
Terrific post. I agree, eat your vegetables, teach, mentor, write more. Don’t stop learning and being curious and observant and funny, if you, and you can. Kudos.
Caroline, you said it beautifully. Can’t top that.
Wow, Melody! I cannot believe number eight and ten. Do they really want to be writers. What an enjoyable read. I wish you were my teacher.
Ingmar–I think Melodie didn’t see your comment here because it was in moderation. Alas, I run into wannabe writers who never read all the time. :-(. And they’re full of great ideas for books they want to discuss at great length…but they never actually write anything down.
Most teaching positions are not get rich employment. I know people who’ve been coming to our local writing group for years and have never finished a short story or a novel. And same at writing conferences. They like being aspiring writers.
I think you’re right, Susan. I’m a bit of a Pollyanna, in that I want everyone to succeed at writing. Thanks for commenting!
Melodie, totally loved your column this week. Haven’t we all met these writers who swan into a class or workshop or conference because “I always wanted to write a book.”
I say, go for it — but it’s really hard work as I’ve discovered after writing for newspapers and TV for more than four decades, and eventually having two novels published by a traditional publisher. When I started writing fiction again, aiming for a third novel published, I found the whole publishing world changed — which is something I write about on my blog.
My impression is that some indie authors think it’s easy because they can publish instantly and they think they don’t have to be constrained by rules of genre or length or punctuation. At least your students are actually taking a class where they might be open to learning something about writing a readable novel?
“5. The Preachers: students who write to teach other people a lesson. And that’s all they want to do. Akin to the memoir-novelists, these students come to class with a cause, often an environmental one.”
Now I wonder where they get that silly idea?
EVERYTHING CHANGE CLIMATE FICTION CONTEST NO ENTRY FEE. Submit one piece of fiction up to 5,000 words using the impact of climate change as an element of your story.
Bill–Melodie doesn’t have anything to do with the “opportunity alerts”. I do those, so I thought I’d jump in.
You bring up an important point. There are a lot of things you can do in a short story that can’t be sustained in a novel-length work. Short fiction can make a political statement or offer a quirky monologue, or omit all dialogue and work, but many of those things become tedious in the long form.
Bill, I laughed out loud when I saw your comment. There’s a ‘gotcha’ – grin. This is a short story anthology, correct? I teach novel writing, but I’ll definitely point my students to it. Heck, I might even enter…
Believe me, I wasn’t implying that Melodie was responsible for the juxtaposition. I happen to agree with her that writing for the sole purpose of advocating a particular political or social position is not necessarily a good idea.
This is wonderfully enlightening. Can’t imagine myself ever being a teacher, but I do enjoy when my humble comments in critique groups are found to be helpful. I imagine when you find those rare, talented and grateful students it must feel quite grand and be what helps to keep you going. Teachers! Yay teachers!
Christine, you’re right. A student in my very first writing class 26 years ago- Lynda Simmons – went on to write for Harlequin and Kensington, plus other publishers. She’s my good friend now, and we do workshops together. I feel very lucky.
I’m sorry, Melodie, I’m thinking of making organ harvesting a part of my next novel. I’m thinking it will have an English countryside setting. The DCI is investigating a series of organ thefts from the county churches.
Owe! Ouch! WHY didn’t I see that coming? You got to it first, Ali. You’re go.
Melodie, I enjoyed your blog post. You flavor each comment with an encouraging sense of humor.
One note regarding #8: Students who don’t write. This is where you’ll oftentimes find me. It not just a group of people who want to create a hobby of taking writing classes. Many of us begin by believing that we understand your instructions—and we often do understand.
But we cannot execute, because we don’t have sufficient imagination. Oftentimes we take repeated editions of similar classes, until we finally gain the courage to admit that understanding concepts does not equal the ability to apply those concepts.
After innumerable—years worth of—attempts, many of us realize and admit that we are avid wannabes, but we are not talented writers.
Writing teachers could help by letting class members know ahead of time that attending writing classes, and even understanding presented concepts and techniques, is no guarantee that every member of the group owns the talent and imagination to become an interesting writer.
Unfortunately, too many large writers conferences—because they must fill up next year’s seats—tell the opposite, soft lie that all attendees—if they persist with enough hard work, can someday become a well-read author. This lie is no more true than to indicate that with enough persistence and hard work, anyone can become a well-respected carpenter.
Life doesn’t work that way. Talents are unevenly distributed.
Anthony, your comment blew me away. I always tell my classes in the first class: even if you decide you will never write another word after leaving this class, you will still take something with you. The understanding of what makes a good book.
I also say: you need two things to become a writer: the ideas, and the craft. I can teach you the craft. You need to determine if you have the ideas. (and if you also want to spend your time this way.)
One of my dearest friends has tried to write for years. She’s a professional editor of fiction, with many best-seller clients. She said to me recently, “Mel, I can come up with characters. But for the life of me, I can’t think of plots.”
Yes, you need both. And you’re dead on right.
Note: I am not a teacher nor do I aspire to be one, but doing this writing thing for about 12 years (give or take), the closest I’ve come to being a teacher is dealing with the poorly constructed and highly infuriating e-mails from co-workers who make twice my salary and have triple my education level (must control computer rage).
In regards to the amount of reading that you do, I should equal that sometime this summer (I’m currently 20 books read so far through mid February). I truly enjoy reading ever since I was a child and it boggles my mind that you got students who treat reading as an afterthought (although my two children, 17 & 25, are the same way sadly), I’ve learned quite a bit about writing through the fiction and non-fiction that I’ve read, most recently learning from a medieval murder mystery series how to properly switch languages without adding pages of text.
I actually do want to partake in a creative writing class, if only to learn what I’ve been missing throughout the years. But as they say, trying to come up with money and spare time as the exact same time has been a (mostly) futile effort.
GB, we do share that time constraint. Until last year, I worked full time, and raised two kids. It’s hard to find time and money to pursue this. I’ve wrote ten novels in ten years, but I gave up a lot to do that.
You’ve given me a great opening to a quote I have on my Twitter feed:
If you want to write, you have to make it your 3rd most important thing: after family, after day job. But before anything else. #writing
Hi Melodie — thanks for the great post!
I have only taken one writing course – and it was script writing to boot – but, the instructor would also hand out tips on local, regional, & state writing contests. This wasn’t like now, where there are wonderful tips in a number of places alerting writers to contests and markets. But this small effort gave me an ‘in’ that forced me to face disciplined writing (deadlines, length limits, genre, etc) and gain the experience of being more organized, having to think harder about what I was going to write, and having respect for the ‘rules’ of the game (so to speak).
So, I enjoyed the class, but even more, I loved that my teacher encouraged us to try our hand at contests. I didn’t win any, but got a few notes of ‘it didn’t suck’ — lololol
As an editor now of way-too-many years, I feel I have worked with some of your students, like those who have never read a novel in their chosen genre — or those who have an axe to grind.
I think it’s wonderful that you keep giving — I understand the scotch, though. Thank you for your generosity and for sharing your humor. I need to shore up my cozy mystery/humor tales list, as my kindle is getting skinny…now I know where to go!
Maria D’Marco
TigerXGlobal
Maria, thank you so much for your comment! I’m sure I didn’t have enough gratitude at the time. But I now dearly remember the mentor (Michael Crawley) who gave me that push to submit my work. And later, Lou Allin, who put my name forward as a comedy writer, to her publisher. I am ‘paying it forward’ for them wherever I can, and with pleasure.
I enjoyed this. It reminded me of the creative writing class I took in college in the late 1980s. I was fresh off a four year tour in the Army and considered an ‘adult student’. The class was a mix of adults and more traditional aged students. I have an 11th one for you that you may have run into in your years teaching.
The thing I remember that gave our professor the most heartburn was plagiarism. This was in the days before all the software that detects that sort of thing. One of our assignments was to create a poem. A young student copied an old poem nearly word for word that, as the professor spoke about it, most of us sat there thinking it sounded familiar. The professor began to read it. A latecomer to class, an older gentleman, recited the poem from memory as he was taking his seat. Words can’t describe the controlled anger I saw that day as a young man was escorted from the class, by the elbow, by the professor.
The poem was the “Two Dead Boys Got Up To Fight” limerick.
Anne H, I enjoyed your story! I teach Crafting a Novel now, so it’s a little more difficult for plagiarists. There would be no reason to take the course if you didn’t really want to write a novel, which is a commitment of several hundred hours. Still, with the pirating we get these days, it’s something we probably should be looking out for. Thanks for commenting!
Delightful post! Makes me want to teach writing classes myself, but I don’t drink Scotch.
Darlene–Chocolate works. 🙂
Oh dear. I think you would be at a distinct disadvantage then, Darlene. Mind you, your name isn’t Campbell, so as Anne says, Chocolate may work 🙂
I read one or two sf stories about harvesting organs (not the church music type) far back in the previous century. I also did not know there’s been a glut of that sub-genre. I read online stories and such when I should be writing, but not novels. Since I work full time I arrive at work twenty to thirty minutes early and read the book there. Of course, it takes four to five weeks at that rate to read a full-length novel, but it prevents me from reading it at home.
I’ve only taught h.s. English, so I never had any volunteer students to teach writing to. But I do attend local writers’ conferences and often contribute. I do get that warm fuzzy feeling when I can give someone(s) information they didn’t have that will help them in their writing pursuits.
Thank you Melodie for the insight. And thank you, Anne and Ruth, as always.
Thank you very much for your comment, Fred. I love your humour (‘volunteer students’) – must use that in class this week!
Nice article! I’ve been writing professionally for years, and I still haven’t learned it all! When I do, I’ll stop, and that ain’t happening any time soon.
When I started, I did my best to identify the spots I wasn’t too good at, and took specialised classes in those. For instance, I couldn’t get the hang of deep third pov, but a wonderful class really helped me get there.
Such an informative, yet entertaining post! Fab learning about Melodie and her writing. I’m definitely visiting her books. And so cool to learn she’s a fellow Canadian! (Torontonian?) 🙂
Oakville, DG! I’m the past Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada. Have we passed in the halls somewhere before? Maybe at the OLA conference? Your name is familiar.
Hi Melodie. I can tell you I haven’t been to any crime writers conferences as I’m a memoir writer (who doesn’t write under the guise of fiction, lol). You’ve probably seen my ‘mug’ on social media around – I’m everywhere LOL. Nice to meet you. I live right in the city. 🙂
Thanks for your insights. I’d love to take classes from you. I don’t write fiction but you shared valuable info for those who write memoir, too.
You said, “What happens to you in real life – no matter how dramatic and emotional it is for you – usually doesn’t make a good novel. Novels are stories. Stories have endings, and readers expect satisfactory endings. Real life rarely gives you those endings, and so you will have to make something up. If you want to write your life story, go for it. Take a memoir writing class.”
I agree that real life doesn’t often make a good novel, but well-crafted memoirs should have inspiring, meaningful endings.They should tie everything together in a satisfying way that lingers with readers and makes them glad they read the memoir. The memoirist isn’t finished writing until he or she has crafted a top-notch ending.
Well said, Linda! I love what you say about ‘tie everything together in a satisfying way that lingers with readers’ – particularly the lingering part. Memoirs have a different purpose from novels, and I think you nailed it when you said ‘inspiring’.
I’m familiar with most of these (I’ve worked as a creative writing teacher, too). I’d take it as a compliment when another teacher wants to learn from you. But it’s No 10 that’s strangest (and also so true). You could just as well say “Writers Who Don’t Read” or not much. This is so common. I know many writers who experience most of their stories on Netflix.
Isn’t that sad, Ned! I consider reading our main ‘professional development’ as professional authors. Certainly, reading great books is how I learn how to make mine better. Thanks for commenting!
Great post!
People who don’t want to pick a genre make my head hurt. Readers LIKE to know what sort of experience to expect when they pick up a book. Expectation management is a thing.
If it LOOKS like one thing, but turns out to be a different thing, they’re gonna get a lot of 1 star reviews and not sell many copies.
I still remember this good book I read. I think it was called “The Forgotten Dragon” about a wizard’s dragon familiar, whose wizard had died.
ONLY. It wasn’t about the dragon! It was a fantasy world and all, but the real story was the detective ‘who-dun-it’ story. Which was well written! But mumble-twenty-mumble years later, I STILL remember that sense of betrayal.
—
I’ve been guilty of not-reading, myself. I have trouble putting down a book at bedtime and if I want to get any sleep, I’m gonna have to start early enough I can finish the thing in one sitting. Plus, there’s this novel I’m working on that I really shouldn’t neglect just to read….
I’ve gotten a lot better. 4 books read already this year!
Really astute point about the sense of betrayal. I call that the ‘promise to the reader.’ When we write a blurb, and an opening, we make a promise to the reader about what sort of book they are buying. Yup, we’ll get one star reviews, if we stray too far from their expectations after they have put down their dollars. Thanks for commenting!
It’s definitely not a generational thing. I taught creative writing on the university level for 30 years, at universities and colleges, public and private, and you nailed my top 10 peeves. Welcome to the club!
Thanks for commenting, Alexandria! You’ve got me smiling. I bet we could come up with at least five more…
Great article. Point 8? Yup, I have some of those in my after-school writing club for elementary grade students. A big yes for point 9. I’ve had several schools “borrow” my curicullum
Thanks for commenting, Terri!
Fantastic post. One thing about #6, though: it’s very possible to self-publish/be an indie author and make money, even a living. I do. Not easy, but no harder than the traditional route. And as an indie, I have no “publisher’s guidelines.”
Not saying it’s not wise to pay attention to genre conventions and all that, but with most of the money coming from ebooks, length and other constraints only matter as they relate to telling a good story and thereby selling good books.
So tell all those snowflakes that if they want to ignore publishers’ guidelines, simply go indie and self-publish. Some writers work better by personal control and trial-and-error than by trying to fit round pegs into square holes.
Hi David! Absolutely. My particular class is for those who want to be traditionally published, hence the genre deconstruction. But self-publishing certainly gives us the choice to write and publish things that a trad publisher wouldn’t consider. Yay for that!
Melodie, great post! I teach fiction writing to other supposedly working writers (and most are!) and have run into a few like you have. But like Charlie Perryess said, the one that amazes me the most is the writer who doesn’t read.
I had a writer friend once who never read anything. She was a prolific, if juvenile, writer (juvenile in her sentence structure and word usage, not age!) wrote about 30 books, but the last was no better than the first. She did not learn in all the time she was writing. Why? Because she never read a book in all the time I knew her! And was proud of that fact. Said “reading makes me sleepy.”
So, she wrote to make others sleepy? Incomprehensible! I *pass the Scotch* if my current work isn’t better than the previous one…
Here’s to writing well… and lots of Scotch!
What a telling story, Susan. One of the commenters above put it the best way I’ve ever heard: can you imagine a musician who never listened to other people playing music?
And yes – I see that my own fiction has improved over the years, and I’m sure that’s from seeing good examples in my reading. Thanks for commenting!
I’d of been one of the ones saying I’ve read “Uh… maybe 0-2?” books in a year.
I’ve always liked stories themselves and making up stories, but it was very TV-oriented. My writing during my school years would be almost script-like and with a camera point of view, trying to paint the scenes like they’d appear on TV (adding the senses of smell and touch are foreign to me).
It was always so hard for me back when I had to find a book to read from a school library, because I could never tell which novel would be interesting to me solely by the title and maybe the tiny sniplet inside the cover. Sometimes in the past, I would notice a book with a plot that interests me, but then it would turn out to be written in such a boring way it was almost a chore to finish reading it. (though, lately I’ve found that it’s fun to download and read novel samples from Amazon, and then buy whichever ones have me completely hooked.)
Ange, those samples are great, aren’t they? And it really shows us how important the first chapters of a novel are. We’ve simply got to hook people on that first page and chapter. Thanks for commenting!
I have to say that the Amazons sample reads have saved me a lot of frustration, not to say really bad reviews of authors whose writing style I did not like.
Thanks for a wonderful post! I have a question/comment re guidelines about the length of manuscripts, however. It seems to be that published fantasy novels are on average much longer than the 70-80K guideline you mention. A quick scan of the internet found me some fantasy guidelines that were 100-130K. Even so, plenty of epic novels are clearly in the 150K plus range. Do you think guidelines tend to be different for different genres, and particularly for epic novels? After all, they can’t really be written as short books. 80K seems extremely short to me. As a fantasy reader (and writer), I’m used to much longer books!
Macanae–Melodie will probably have her own answer for this, but here’s a post on genre word count guidelines. https://selfpublishingsites.com/2010/01/word-count-guidelines-updated-for-new/
It’s from 8 years ago, but things are pretty much the same. Books are getting shorter all the time, though. The average bestseller lost about 50 pages in the last decade. Fantasy is an exception, mostly because of George R. R. Martin.
But famous authors get away with stuff a newbie can’t do when trying to break in. If you’re trying to get a read from an agent, it’s still good to keep your word count under 100K. Their eyeballs get tired. 🙂
Hi M! The average first novel in most of the genres is about 70-80,000 words. Romance is often shorter (50-60,000) and fantasy longer. My first fantasy book, Rowena Through the Wall, was 90,000. It’s the first of a trilogy.
Fantasy publisher tend to allow longer work, at least for their more experienced authors. First books are generally shorter than later books.
Here’s the real reason: It’s all about cost: a print run is more expensive if it requires more paper. Publishers have ‘lines’ – they like to keep the price the same for all books in the line, and therefore, they want the costs to be the same for all books in that line. Hence the word count guidelines per line.
I think that’s my main message. You’ve got to check the publisher guidelines when you are submitting your work. Don’t send something outside their word count. They simply won’t read it. Thanks for commenting!
As a fledgling editor working through a batch of submission right now, these all definitely feel familiar! At the same time, all I can think about is my college writing professor, whose major pet peeve was simply the word “chuckle.”
He is the reason I include the word “chuckle” in nearly every piece of fiction I write. 😀
Great post and very entertaining. I’ve not taught creative writing, only scriptwriting as part of the university video production course. I could tell by the second week which students were going to make it (on the writing side) – usually 2 or 3 from a class of 70 – they had that special spark, a different take and angle. At the other end of the scale i remember trying to convince a student that her work was not what was required – a script for a shopping centre promo – she had copied it word for word from the brochure.
Absolutely hilarious and enjoyable post! (I’m going to buy stock in scotch.) Funny comments, too. I’m glad I didn’t have a mouthful of sco– ah, coffee…when I read Robert’s posts. The Offal Truth, indeed!! Still laughing my butt off! Thanks for sharing a bit of your world and some great information and advice in these “Top Ten Peeves.”
One of the best and funniest posts I’ve read in a while, thanks!
May I share this to my Facebook editing page?
Emily–Yes. It’s always okay to share a blogpost to social media. That’s how new people (and search engines) find the post. Thanks for sharing!
What a great post. Although I have not taught fiction writing-I have taught many many semesters of courses in scientific and grant writing. So mant of the lessons here could apply to my students as well. I particularly love the one where the student does not want to follow any guidelines established by whomever they are submitting their work to. Also love the one about never having read anything in the area they are submitting to. So this begs the question why do I continue to do what I do? It’s for the rare student where you know you are going to say ‘I knew him or her when.’
Rayka, your last line says it all. I am shocked at how I feel when one of my students gets published. It’s the best feeling – I go mad, cheering for them! Thanks for commenting.
Fantastic post! Absolutely hilarious! I couldn’t help but laugh while reading ????. It felt like reading the summary of your creative writing class, which I attended last year. I recall that you frequently harped on points 5 and 10. If there’s any encouragement, I’m really glad I took the class. I came away with many lessons, some of which you’ve aptly summarized in this post. I’m making steady (although I think, somewhat slow) progress on my novel. Also, although I’m a long way from reading 101 books per annum, I’ve moved from an average of 2 books per month to 5 (with a target of 60 books per year). Again, thanks for the post and for sharing your knowledge in the creative writing class.
PS: Picked up the second Goddaughter’s book (The Goddaughter’s Revenge); fast but very interesting and humorous read. Nice work! Moving on to the 3rd…
Ugo, I’m so delighted you posted here! Thank you! Yes, I guess I do ‘harp’ (and apparently it worked, because you noted those two points, and you are STILL WRITING! You have done my heart good. That is what I wanted for you. And next – that publishing contract. You’ll get it, I’m sure! And write me when you do.
This post is hilarious!
Macjam, if you think that’s funny, you should see how I look right now. 🙂 No webcams on MY computer.
You’re my kinda writer, Toots. Loved everything you said. Thanks and just bought The B-Team. Heather
Macjam, if you think that is hilarious, you should see how I look right now.
Okay, WHY did that post twice? Rats! Heather, thanks for commenting and I hope you enjoy B-Team! It’s a little snarkier than The Goddaughter series. I might be getting older and grumpier. Anne, what do you think?
Mel: that’s an impressive set of classroom guidelines. If I were still the Dean of Arts at Sheridan, I’d hire you as a FT prof instantly. Love the literary snowflake. After years of mystery reviewing, I still get emails from authors asking for the magic formula…and now I can say, pass the scotch, or in my case, pass the whisky. Better yet, I suggest they use the Campbell formula offered in every Goddaughter title: formula= talent, hard work, a love for words, know the industry and pass the scotch. Still back on the literary snowflake! May I borrow that one?
You can have literary snowflake, Don! I’m still stealing FOAD. It’s an even trade, grin. Thanks for commenting!
I think you solved half of these with the not reading enough section. If you actually spend more time reading you’d be as sick of the cliches, book clones and preaching as everyone else and avoid doing it.
I’ve taught Creative Writing classes for over 25 years (yup). Only I title mine “Creative Writing for Fun” and I teach through different towns’ adult education programs or library programs, which pay a lot better than colleges. My students range from the age of 18 to 90; I only allow 8 students max per session; and I stress the FUN part. That way, I don’t get annoyed when they want to write about their Aunt Edith’s worst Thanksgiving turkey meal ever. My students, for the most part, don’t take the class to publish; they take the class to enjoy writing, to share their stories (we read what we write in class out loud), and to learn about themselves. It’s a marvelous experience for me – each and every session students rave about what a good teacher I am. But all I do is give them a space to feel safe and to write their hearts out.
And P.S., over the years, several of my students have published in literary journals and/or self-published.
P.P.S. I save the scotch for when I’m preparing these classes, since I put together exercises for each one depending on the class “personality.”
Rough–Melodie Campbell teaches creative writing at the university level, to young adults who are paying for a solid university education. Your classes sound like great fun for beginners who want to play around with their creativity.
Your goals are very different. Melodie’s post is, like all our posts, aimed at people who want to learn to be professional writers.