Writing clichés are allowed at Christmastime, even welcomed!
by Tara Sparling
When it comes to Christmas, writers and writing are inextricably linked. The rites and rituals of the season are handed down from year to year through books, TV, movies, and song. But where are the festive songs about writers?
I searched high and low, but couldn’t find a single Christmas ditty about writing, which was a bit disappointing. So in the best tradition of the season, I have reworked a very old song, and made it new.
And because it’s Christmas, it’s about writing clichés – because this is the one time of year when they’re allowed, even welcome!
On the first day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: a tall tale of misery.
Look, sometimes a good romp in the abject failings of humankind cheers me up no end.
But at Christmas we’re presented with a binary choice:
1) either we can have tales of fulsome families and saccharine sweetness so potent they cause tooth decay within two chapters and Type 2 Diabetes in four.
2) Yuletide disasters of gargantuan proportions involving three divorces, two deaths, an abandoned puppy, and the type of gift which has caused three historical massacres. Some occasional balance of the two might be fun.
On the second day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: two unlikely loves…
The classic meet-cute usually involves two improbably good-looking people who are predestined to fall in love with each other due to a single quirk of personality or circumstance which shapes them like two rather square jigsaw pieces.
Not so at Christmas. Anybody can fall in unlikely love with absolutely anybody in December, just as long as at least one of them has yet to learn the true meaning of the season.
…and a tall tale of misery.
On the third day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: three clenched pens…
By the 24th of December, far too many writers will see their efforts overshadowed by the all-important celebrity blitz of the Christmas book market. Expect two or three of them to be crying into their eggnog. Others will be clenching pens in their hands, muttering “Next year. Next year will be my time, once the current family pet narrator/beach barbecue disaster/time-travelling rug salesman trend is over!”
…two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the fourth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: four appalling words…
There are four words which strike fear into the heart of any reader, and are uttered more at Christmas than at any other time of the year. They are “Buy My Book Now!”
Of course there are certain words or phrases which should never be used inside a book ever, no matter what time of year it is, including but not limited to: totes, flatulate, moist, septic, and several other words too rude to mention on this blog.
…three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the fifth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: five old offerings!
People think that just because Christmas happens only once a year, nobody will notice that the stories are all the same, the TV shows are all repeats, and the movies all have endings which can be predicted within two minutes of the opening titles.
What they don’t know is that we do notice. We’re just too drunk on Christmas spirit to care.
…four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the sixth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: six plotholes fraying…
Our generosity at Christmas knows no bounds, which is why nobody has come up with an airtight Christmas plot since It’s A Wonderful Life; and even that needed magical Mcguffins to see it through.
It’s generally accepted nowadays that as long as a Yuletide plot features a tree, and at least one character who learns to eventually love Christmas, anything goes – including improbable snow, behaviour so out of character it qualifies as an out-of-body experience, and a child so well-behaved, it has a switch which will restore it to factory settings.
…five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the seventh day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: seven upset women…
Because Christmas only happens once a year, traditions take hold fast, but are slow to change.
One of these perennially popular traditions is that fictional female characters will engage in neurotic behaviour during the festive season, invariably becoming terribly upset about SOMETHING.
Unfortunately, by the time actual female writers have been bludgeoned with reminders of this ancient tradition, January has arrived, the world has moved on, and the following December’s literary offerings have already been made to order, thus perpetuating yet another year of upset women.
…six plotholes fraying, five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the eighth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: eight puns for milking…
Blame seasonal greeting cards – and in the UK, the jokes you find in Christmas crackers. But at no other time of year is anyone permitted to trot out a pun so cheesy it qualifies for agricultural subsidies, without being glared at, dismissed, or banned from all open mic events within a sixty mile radius.
Dad jokes rule. You’re allowed groans at particularly pungent puns, but only when accompanied by a fond smile. Because we love it, really.
…seven upset women, six plotholes fraying, five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the ninth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: nine heroes prancing…
Maybe it’s Santa, or the guy dressed up as Santa. Or the Dad who wasn’t around all year but suddenly came good on Christmas Eve, only to be instantly absolved of everything he did/didn’t do during the year.
Perhaps it’s the lowly store employee who was the only one to notice that little girl crying. Or the truck driver who got the entire family to the log cabin despite 10-feet drifts of snow.
These are the prancing heroes of Christmas. We have seen them all before, and we will see them all again. They are as recognisable as pine needles.
…eight puns for milking, seven upset women, six plotholes fraying, five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the tenth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: ten orphans weeping…
Because what is Christmas without orphans? Don’t ask Charles Dickens, because he won’t tell you. Every Christmas should have one. Nothing conveys the true meaning of Christmas better than an orphan, nor indeed any child who endures vast suffering only to show inordinate gratitude for a single hot meal at the end of it all.
God bless us, everyone.
…nine heroes prancing, eight puns for milking, seven upset women, six plotholes fraying, five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: eleven Scrooges griping…
Until they do a Yuletide about-turn on their entire life philosophy, of course, turning instantly from cynical tyrants into loving pushovers. It’s magic! Christmas magic!
And in no way a tissue-thin re-working of all those other stories!
…ten orphans weeping, nine heroes prancing, eight puns for milking, seven upset women, six plotholes fraying, five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, a writer gave to me: twelve cheesy endings…
It may seem like I’m moaning here, but I will defend the Christmas cheesy ending to my last breath. It’s the only time of year I want to punch the air instead of the book/TV/screen.
I want a happy ending, and I don’t care how it’s delivered. I’d prefer if it makes me cry as well as laugh, but look, it is the season of goodwill, and I will just be happy if it’s good.
…eleven Scrooges griping, ten orphans weeping, nine heroes prancing, eight puns for milking, seven upset women, six plotholes fraying, five old offerings! Four appalling words, three clenched pens, two unlikely loves, and a tall tale of misery.
by Tara Sparling (@tarasparling) December 10, 2017
***
What about you, scriveners? Do you have some favorite Christmas writing clichés? What Christmas writing clichés have you seen enough of?
Tara Sparling writes fiction and screenplays. Originally from the west of Ireland, she now lives in Dublin. Her blog explores bestselling book statistics and trends, literary and mathematical humour. Plus she talks about traditional and self-publishing, marketing tips, bizarre success stories, and spectacular failures. She has won blog awards for Funniest Blog and Best Newcomer, and her fiction has also been shortlisted in several national competitions. Besides her blog, she can be found hiding (poorly) behind @TaraSparling on Twitter.
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Ha! Nothing like a pile of holiday tropes on a Sunday morning. Thanks!
You’re most welcome. If only my family wanted a pile of tropes for Christmas I’d be laughing. I seem to have a lot about the place!
LOL! Thanks, Tara, and…well, I guess…Merry Christmas! 😉
Oh, I’ll take all the Merry I can get, Ruth, and many happy returns! It’s mental sugar. I can’t get enough of it.
This is marvelous Tara. I especially like the “child so well-behaved, it has a switch which will restore factory settings.”
Thanks so much, Eve… you know, if there’s enough interest in these children, I was thinking of talking to some product designers about the concept. There might be a good market for them, do you think?!
Why is it that my favourite Christmas movies are black comedies like We’re No Angels, and The Wrong Box? (What – The Wrong Box isn’t a Christmas movie? Lord Thunderin’ Jesus, I’m making it one. We watch it every year as a family, at this time.)
Waiting, with baited breath, to see what you do for Valentine’s Day, Tara 🙂
That’s the 1940 or 50s version of We’re No Angels, by the way.
You seem to be avoiding clichés in your choice of festive entertainment, Melodie… are you sure that’s allowed?! I like your style though!
That was funny! That would be one interesting story.
How about The Writer’s Christmas, Alex – Parts I, II and Eleventy! I’m sure nobody would accuse us of being self-indulgent.
LOL Merry Christmas!
Thank you Darlene, and a Merry Christmas to you too!
Thanks Tara, I enjoyed that and laughed out loud!
And that, Mark, is literally all I could ask for, for Christmas… thank you most kindly.
Loved it, Tara. And now I know why I’ve been marathoning “Highway to Heaven” on Netflix the last week… Christmas cheesy in all its glory! Doesn’t get any more cheesy or cliche than that show! I’m OD’ing on it all…
I do love a happy ending, but in my stories, I try my best (even at Christmas) to leave the cheese out of the recipe!
Have a wonderful Christmas, and thanks for a great, fun post!
It’s the only time of year I’ll defend a strict diet of cheese, Susan… although, having said that, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t changed the TV channel in a hurry a couple of times this week when my husband walked in the door. There’s only so many soft-focus realisations of kids-pool-shallow love an Irishman will tolerate in his own home.
Lol, this was just the writing cheer I needed at semester’s end. I have to report, though, that I did use the word ‘septic’ in my only holiday story — which has sold twice.
A Christmas miracle, I’m sure.
If there isn’t an award for getting away with using septic in a successful Christmas story, bowneps, there SHOULD BE. I will start petitioning the powers that be immediately. It’s no miracle. It can only be your own skill and talent and should be recognised accordingly.
Dear Lord it’s perfect. I was halfway through three clenched pens before it hit me you were rhyming the whole thing. And I don’t know if you can get Hallmark Channel all the way cross the pond but you are absolutely channeling it Ms. Sparling. (I know because it’s a big favorite with my lovely wife. Not at all because I’m turning in my man-card. Ever.)
Thanks, Will! We don’t get Hallmark, but we do have a few dedicated Christmas movie channels which I’m pretty sure bought the entire Hallmark catalogue. I’m glad you spotted my rhyming scheme. Obviously we can’t talk about drummers, and the Swans-A-Swimming gave me a major headache, until I equated said headache with being a woman in the first place, which was also kind of perfect in a way (ask your lovely wife)
This is funny! Thank you.
So glad you liked it, Patricia. I had a lot of fun with this one myself…
In the U.S. we have The Hallmark Channel and Lifetime Channel movies with original/new movies every weekend between Halloween and Christmas. In the meantime, they play the ones from previous years and new ones already shown this season on endless loops. Of course, there’s always the love story angle with two people you know within two minutes of the opening montage will be together at the end. There are though three overarching themes that keep popping up again and again:
1. Save the inn/store/town or village
2. A wedding at Christmas
3. The party to end all parties
Sometimes two or all three of these are combined and offered in addition to the love story that’s central to the whole thing.
After I posted this, I saw this article by the Washington Post which I thought everyone reading here might find interesting. We Can’t Take Any More of 2017 So We’ve Turned to the Hallmark Channel in Desperation: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/we-cant-take-any-more-of-2017-so-weve-turned-to-the-hallmark-channel-in-desperation/2017/12/07/1ad3dab6-d6ca-11e7-b62d-d9345ced896d_story.htm
That’s a brilliant angle I wish I’d thought of, Anne… and having seen how uncomplicated it is to format a Hallmark movie let alone the resurgence in the popularity of them, I might have to start submitting immediately in other to ensure my future in 2018…!
On the thirteenth day of Christmas, my Truelove gave to me… A Taraa Sparkeling read.
Love you, Tara!
Love you too, Carolann. Now look what’s happened… I’m professing love and joy… CHRISTMAS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/we-cant-take-any-more-of-2017-so-weve-turned-to-the-hallmark-channel-in-desperation/2017/12/07/1ad3dab6-d6ca-11e7-b62d-d9345ced896d_story.html
Absolutely brilliant, Tara. I love this! Clearly this remake must be performed on a cold winter’s eve before the fire in a pub with lots of writers and alcohol. Merry Christmas. 🙂
With the YouTube video to follow, naturally! Merry Christmas Diana!
Having a nasty dose of winter stomach purging virus, I was badly in of a laugh today! Thanks Tara for hitting the spot so hilariously! 😛
Thanks for hosting Tara today, Anne 😀
I always thought my writing was a kind of stomach purging, Jan, so it all feels like karma to me I must say… Merry Christmas!
I absolutely loved this! Happy holidays!
I think my favorite thing about Xmas cliches is that, cognizant of them as we all are, we all have a few movies from our childhood that we’ll defend to the death regardless of them subscribing to at least seven of the twelve you mentioned. For me, it’s Christmas with the Kranks – there were very nearly fisticuffs with someone ten years older than me, who disliked the Kranks and yet claimed The Santa Clause is a good holiday movie.
This would not be a good time to say I liked The Santa Clause, Irvin, so I definitely won’t be doing that. As for hitting the points on this list, perhaps it’s actually the ultimate recipe for success! I never thought of that, and am going directly to begin the screenplay which is going to change my life. It’s going to be tearful, I just know it.
I think you’ve hit on a whole new niche: an airtight Christmas plot. Does that involve Tupperware?
If it does, P J, it’ll be overflowing with baked goods at this time of year. That fulfils the sugar quotient… and actually, also the tears, eventually, so the answer is most definitely Yes.
Seriously spot-on fun! Thank you, Tara and Anne 😀
I’m going to ask for ‘seriously spot-on fun’ on a t-shirt for Christmas, Nicholas. My family will be devastated.
Because of the plagiarism lawsuit? I didn’t want to do it, but a strange Irish power couple made me. You may have met them–a skeletal woman and a man with a shining cranium?
If they weren’t holding platinum-plated weaponry to your head, I will never forgive you! Can you at least fend them off until New Year?!
I absolutely LOVE this! These are all things that drive me MAD at Christmas. Call me a Grinch, but I don’t have enough Christmas spirit to absorb the irritation engendered by the PAP we are subjected to at this time of year. It has the same effect on my mind as too much Christmas food has on my body – a sort of psychic nausea.
Psychic nausea… how brilliant is that! You’d better watch out (no seasonal pun intended) or it’ll become the malaise of the year in 2018, all the cool kids will want it. Delighted you enjoyed the post, Annabelle, and hope you have a merry, cliché-free Christmas!
Thank you – you too! 🙂
Smiling and wishing you A Very Merry Christmas, Tara! <3
Thank you Bette! Many many happy returns!
This was absolutely delightful! Loved six plotholes fraying and eight puns for milking 🙂 Merry Christmas, everyone!
And a merry Christmas to you too Tina… the plot holes and puns also send their best regards ????
Ha, ha, ha … or should that be ho, ho, ho!! Methinks, behind it all, you enjoy all this festive stuff — cliches and all. Sure aren’t writers only striving to come up with a better class of cliche? And there lies posterity. Great read
Can’t deny it, endardoo. I love it. All of it. All the schmalz and the sucrose and the twinkly sparkle of it. The only thing is, when someone injects a bit of originality into proceedings, and a new cliché is truly born, then the real magic happens… and I’m as full of awe as a puppy appreciation society.
Brilliant! And hilarious! Thank you for the Christmas cheer.
And merry Christmas to you. 🙂
You’re most welcome Biff Sock Pow! Hope your Christmas was full of even more cheer…